Fate can blow me.
Sometimes you just can't have it your way. Life isn't Burger King. There is no amount of preparing, planning or or praying that can make the ride any easier either. There are some of those afternoon days or weekends when the one thing you desperately want and need is the one thing you can't have. I'm talking about Fate. That's right. She poses there, hip cocked sassily to one side, a wry little omnipresent smile tell you that when she opens her mouth to let you in on a little secret and you're not going to like it. She's a bit of a cocky broad, always thinking about the tragedies yet to come to our lives.On Friday, I was checking out the calendar to plan my strategy over the weekend. Fate nonchalantly swaggered over to me, snapping her gum. "Heya Rose!"Chirps Fate.
"Hey Fate." I reply, still looking at my calendar.
"Sooooooo, I was just wanting you to know that you aren't going to be making it to Yoga this weekend." She tilts a pout to the side of her face in a feigning empathy. I don't notice.
"What? At all?" I cross my arms, appearing indignant.
"Naw, sorry, Just not going to happen."
I'm a little agitated toy, that has just been wound up. "Well, we'll see about that. I'm very versatile, very creative. I'm totally going to get to Yoga."
"All right Rose, have it your way. Good luck!"
This is Fates favorite game called, 'let's watch 'em squirm!'She let's us in on a little slice of our future and then watches us duke it out with our own inevitable path. But this time I'm resolved to break through the shackles Fate had set before me.
Saturday came with all of it's soccer-shopping-sun-is-shining glory. I was determined to make it to the 1:30 Yoga class. After a few time hurdles and consoling a defeated Magnolia ( Magnolia's team-1, other team-6)I had managed to make it to the gym by one.
"Ha! In you face, Fate!" I Gloated.
"Wow, you sure showed me." She said, slightly underwhelmed. She was still watching me, but she was out of tricks. I won! I was at the gym! I hummed a little to myself as I jumped on a treadmill for a victory run, beaming at myself while the 1812 Overture blares in my Ipod, celebrating with orchestral glory.
I almost didn't notice the front desk Attendant Shelly abandoning her post until she started walking towards me.
"Um, hi Rose, do you have an extra pair of pants for Julian? He just fell in the toilet."
"Humming ceased, the Overture died and all 80 people in the orchestra stopped to point and laugh, save on trombone declaring comedic defeat.
Up until yesterday, my car usually has enough supplies in it to feed a small village, clothe a family of four and provide sanitary napkins, chocolate and deodorant for a wayward friend. But for some reason I cleaned it out of all junk, garbage and useful supplies.
Where was Fate then? Why does she have to be so sadistic? Why couldn't she be more like my own personal Executive Assistant? She would be so much more more helpful with her shoulders slumped over a date book, pushing glasses up her nose and giving the itinerary for the week. "All right Rose, you are going to have a productive week. For starters, you will just barely have enough paint for the bedroom, so don't buy anymore, because judging by the look of this weekend you'll need the money. On Saturday, Jules will fall of a swing at the park. He'll be fine, but he'll need some stitches, so you will need an ER copay. Oh yeah, don't forget when you are shopping on Friday to get some cash for coffee and cocoa at the Hospital for you and Magnolia."
Thats not that hard! "Is that so much to ask, Fate?"
"No, but that not nearly as much fun. Cop, slow down Rose." Fate tells me, riding shotgun on our way home from the gym, Julian's ass smelly and soggy.
"So you're going to try again tomorrow?" Fate asks hopefully.
"Oh, you'd better believe it. I'm not taking this lying down."
"All right, I'll see you then! I have a date to watch a guy find both of his girlfriends at the same restaurant.I am not missing that one! And good luck on that diet!" Fate giggles.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean"But before I could get an answer, as if she would give me one, she vanished leaving me, Magnolia and Swamp-ass to drive home in silence.
I wonder if Fate realized the power of suggestion I think to myself, while eating a sugar-free fudgecicle. If she hadn't said anything, would it have made a difference? Is she really Fate, or just Chaos in disguise? I thought about this the whole time I ate 10 more fudgecicles.
I still had one more chance for Yoga. It's not that I really enjoyed sweating on a loner mat in a room with 15 other people and turning myself into a pretzel. It's more than that. It's my time alone, where I'm not a wild child tamer. I'm not a provider of food, butt wipes, Germ-X or the remote. No, In Yoga I am a pretzel with every muscle in perfect accord, with ass cheeks so clenched, not even a whisper of a fart escapes. Its a beautiful thing.
After a recharging hour, I feel much more at ease with my domesticity. Maybe not content, but at least it provides a renewal of tolerance.
Sunday rambled and rolled, the the day remained intense and focused. At 3:00, I'd be at the Gym a half and hour early for Yoga. It was on.
2:15- Quick shower with no less than two children. This saves time, water and towels.
2:19- Out of the shower, leaving Magnolia and Julian to make drawings on the steamy shower door. I quickly dry off and get clothes on and get clothes for the kids.
2:23- Jules get out of the shower, dry off and dress.
2:25- Jules jumps into the shower fully clothed. Magnolia screams at the top of her lungs to notify me as I'm sitting on the toilet two feet away.Repeat entry for 2:23.
2:29- Magnolia get out dries off and dresses. Feed the dog.
2:32- Pack extra clothes, extra underwear, extra snacks, Ipod, Germ-X, nuclear fallout radiation suits, swim fins, and a life size replica o four kitchen sink.
2:36- Try to wedge the kids into the car around the sink. So much for the notion of the clean car.
2:37- Peel out of the driveway.
To achieve the desired look in their photos, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen coyly smile and say the word 'prune'. It makes their lips look plump and sensual. I find their choice in words ironic. But I rationalized, if they can get through red carpet traffic with their identical mouths held right, I just might be able to get through pavement traffic with the same mantra.
So, I'm thinking 'prune' and squinching my mouth to appear soft and luscious, when in actuality, it looks more like a baboons anus. Whatever it takes to make the trip in 23 minutes.
2:56- I'm only 2 red lights from the gym when she shows up.
"Hello" I say through cramping and puckered lips.
"Hows the puckered lip thing going for you?"
"I'm two lights away." Victory is mine.
"Yeah, ya' know, it's still not going to happen." Fate says blandly.
"You know what, Fate? You can blow me! I'm there-"
"Three" Fate interjects.
"- I'm so stinking close, I can all ready smell the testosterone-"
"Two." Peeps Fate.
"-I'm going to run two miles, do pow-pow-power Yoga-"
"One." She can't wait.
"-and then spend half an hour in the sauna and it's going to be-"
"Action!" The annoying trollop chimes.
"Mom! Owee, owee, owee! My nose!" Julian's starts writhing in his seat.
Great. "What's wrong with your nose?"
He mumbles an explanation and once I deciphered it, all I could get were the words, 'thing' and 'up' and 'nose' and 'owee'.By this time we are in the parking lot at the gym. I note the time, just so I have something to tell the urgent care.
Upon inspection, what looks to be a Mardi Gras bead has been stuffed up his nose and was curling up in a sinus cavity. "I know what it is, Mom. It's a berry seed thing. It' one of those that you can't squeeze in your fingers, it's one you have to step on to crush." So now we know what it is and where it is, but getting it out is a whole new problem.
It's mighty hard to laugh with a KIA full of gym gear, two cranky kids,, one with a whistly nose and all of us bummed out. So Fate laughed for all of us. She is an evil, cruel woman. But would you expect anything less?
I went to the Urgent Care where they know us.
"Well hi Julian!What is it this time?"
" Hi Susan, Same thing, different orifice. Jules stuck something up his nose."
"Good gracious! What are you going to do with him?" Susan exclaimed while filing our paperwork.
"Well, he picked the lock on the closet, so I guess that's out." Oops, I think I went a little too far. Susan sneered politely and closed the service window. I went and sat down next to Fate, with Magnolia and Julian leaping from tile to tile around the empty waiting room. Letting out a discontented sigh, I turned to Fate. " Could I have avoided this?"
She shrugged, " We'll never know."
I flipped my lower lip out and pouted. Fate wrapped her arm around my shoulders and smiled. " Oh honey, look at the bright side."
"What is that?" A crestfallen me asks.
"At least he's clean!" At that time someone else entered the waiting room though I didn't look until she came and sat down next to me. "Hey toots! What's shaking?" Chirped a bubbly and quirky gal and there she was. Aunt Flo in her radiance. Shit.
"Oh hell no!" this was it. My life was over.
"Hey Flo! Whatdoyaknow?" asked Fate.
"Well Fate! It is so good to see you! It's been a while, now. That Homecoming dance last month?" Said Flo.
"I told that silly girl 'no white dresses! Only only if your a bride do you wear white after labor day!' Poor girl. Nothing like ending the dance in tears!" Said Fate.
It's a comfort to know that I'm not the only one who gets a tag team from inconvenience and discomfort. Yep, I'm not the only one who gets dragged through hell from time to time.
" So Flo, what are you doing for the rest of the day?" Fate looked hopeful.
"Well, now that my work is done here, and by the way you're welcome, dear, I have a debut at a Bat Mitzvah over on the east side." Flo said as she was looking through her planner.
"Oooh, that sounds like a blast,mind if I tag along?" Fate was over the moon.
"oh, so that's it? You just going to leave after destroying my afternoon?" I sulked.
"Oh sweetie. Give yourself a little more credit. We only give you what you can handle. It's an opportunity to be strong!" Comforted a loving Aunt Flo.
Yeah, thanks, I thought. I'm feeling strong. Strong cramps, strong headache, strong desires to scream and cry.
"You'll be fine. Just breath and take things slowly." Flo offered.
Then Fate turned to me and said, "See ya toots! and good luck on that diet!"
"Oh, blow me!"I snapped at her, but she had already left.
The seed, as it turns out popped right out with the help of Dr. Brown. So easy,and with a sticker and a giggle, we were off. The time was 3:45.
I ate 1/2 carton of triple fudge hemorrhage for dinner, 1/2 a baguette for a snack and spaghetti for desert. Awesome.
After my nightcap of Cool Whip, I finally figured out the rules of fate.We have options. You can go with it and submit, or you can fight it, kicking and screaming the whole time. The only difference between the two is that the latter is a much more entertaining experience than the former for the average observer. And though we might not get the end result that is more than often desired, we do get a result with a lesson with every mistake. Hopefully in your case it will mean less trips to the ER and less caloric binging.Good luck.