I woke up at 830 tonight from one of those "I am about to die" dreams. I had fallen asleep around 600 after a day I took off work to put my apartment together. My dear friend from college was coming to visit for the weekend but she had to cancel at the last minute.
In the dream I was in a concourse or a food court area. I had been moving around from place to place as I was waiting for something to happen. There weren't many people in this space. Finally, I settled in to a booth-type lounge chair that was somewhat divided. On the other side of the divide, a woman who resembled me but who was not me was talking (rather, listening) to her significant other, a slender man who was articulate and the more he said, the more I wanted to listen, but I was not actually with them. They were going to a concert or some fun event and I was not. He was wearing a kilt. He said things that, indirectly and through my own inferences, caused me to admire him.
Rather than intrude on their couplehood, I went to the restroom. A woman was waiting for me as I did my business. Not that there weren't other stalls, but she was waiting for me. I felt I was with her but I did not know her.
Next scene, I am driving in my Trailblazer and my mother is my passenger. It is raining and I am pulling into a curve. As I do, the wind intensifies into a force I cannot fight. But I continue driving into it. I never thought I could have done anything different. The tornado force winds lift the car off the ground and as we ascend, we tilt and rotate. So I was there, trapped in my own vehicle with my mother, and waiting for impact.
Heart pounding, it took some time for the sleep paralysis to release me.
The woman and her husband are my friends. My friend that was supposed to come down this weekend, and her husband, a captivating individual who can hold people's attention. We are currently divided. I need to separate myself from their coupledom. Give them space. Give me space.
I still don't know the woman who was waiting for me. Is she someone who will appear later in my life only after I've "finished my business"? Which could be my schoolwork, something that is consuming my life right now. Why do I assume it is a woman?
Then there's my mother in my fated vehicle. I don't speak to my mother and I did not speak to her in my dream. She did not speak to me either and we seemed content with that. When we had been on speaking terms, we could not handle sitting in silence. But the more we spoke, the more we were likely to say something to hurt the other. She would snap back, I would usually hold my tongue, but had also begun to snap back. The silence between us feels better this way.
Then, ultimately, our mortality is a force we can't control, it will pick you up and have its way with you. Yet we can't stop moving toward what is coming. I did not say a thing to my mother as we drifted in that moment waiting for impact. She did not say a thing to me. We barely acknowledged the other was in the car, sharing this last experience.