Ditches and Divin'- OS Weekend Fiction




I feel a story comin' on. Gather up and come in close. Is ev'ryone here? Good.

A long time ago in a place not too far away I woke up in a ditch one evenin' with no idea how I'd got there. Darn pretty sunset, but bloody effing cold, too. No coat, no shoes. At least I had my pants. The last time I was in that ditch I woke up naked.

What? Oh, you want to know about the last time? Naw, this story is about a certain day in the life. We can tell naked stories another day. Yeah, I like naked stories, too, but we have t'think of the kids, ya know. Hey, you wanted to bring 'em. I said adults only at this party but you had to have yer own way.

So I woke up in a ditch with my pants on. I figured I was ahead of the game. Crawled out, shook myself off and started down the road to town. My shirt was a mess but my hair covered most'v the damage. Damn fool had thrown me into a muddy ditch. At least the mud held my hair in place.

This all started with a bet. Yep, a stupid bet at that. We'd been "divin'" on my birthday. You really gotta try that sometime.  And at the third or fourth dive there was a man. Yeah, yeah, there had been fellas at the other bars, but this was a M-A-N. All the right parts in all the right places. Yum. We bet each other on who could land him. Loser had to streak main street. I won. Oh buddy, did I win.

Turns out my friend has all kinds of bad luck. Yep, she got caught streakin'. The cops weren't too friendly about it, neither. Kept her naked in the jail all night. You really don't wanna piss that girl off. Mean'r'n a snake with it's prick bent backwards.

Welp, she got even with the cops. Funnier'n shit, what she did. Turns out one of the cops was havin' a bachelor party and she knew the entertainment. They got them boys to shuck down as part of the show. Yep, they fell for it! Durn fools. Thought they was untouchable. Well, Elliot Ness they ain't, that's fer sure. They got to do the walk of shame that night. You heard about it? Wasn't that the funniest thing you ever heared? Oh, you seenit. That's right, you live above the hardware store. Pictures? Heh heh, good for you.

She somehow twisted around that it was my fault, too. Said I cheated on the bet. Tain't my fault I got a rep, ya know. How'd he find out? Oh, I might have let it slip, maybe thrown in a small demo. Yeah, well, ya know what they say about that Carnegie Hall- practice, practice, practice... Hee, hee, hee.

I'll tell ya, that girl can really keep a secret when she sets her mind. I had no ideer I was a target and I can usually read her like a dime novel. This time it was National Enchilada Day and we was doin' shooters. Damn witch slipped me a mickey. Yep! Right in front of my eyes! Well, actu'lly, she said birthday boy was in the bar and I fell for it. Yeah, I have a weakness. M-m-m. Next thing I know, I'm naked in a ditch at the edge of town. And not the edge I live on. That was quite the trick gettin' home, let me tell ya.

This last time was the 10th time she's dumped me in a ditch.  First time with m'clothes on. Why? Probably gettin' tired of buyin' new boots. Oh, every time she dumps me naked I dump her boots by the mayor's bed. She had a thing with him once, and his wife hunts her down whenever she finds her boots.

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