I didn't write this, but I wish I had because IT'S BLOODY SNOWING AGAIN here. And the *$#%&# snowplow just went by. AGAIN. Sun Parlour of Canada? Pah.

December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes  drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9  
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!  Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry -- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The  cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
I wish I didn't huff and puff so.
December 15  

Twenty inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
I think that's silly. We aren't in the Yukon, after all.
 December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell.  

The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
 December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God, I hate it when she's right.
I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.  

December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last  night. More shoveling!
Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the town will have it done and bill me.
I think he's lying.
 December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy.
I think the asshole is lying.
 December 23
Only two inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24
Six inches. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! Twenty more inches of the damn slop tonight. Snowed  in.  
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot.
If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 15 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in.
The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.  That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.
The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Views: 188

Comment by koshersalaami on February 7, 2018 at 8:57am

I love this

It’s snowing here. I finally found a guy who will plow my driveway regularly for not much after the high school kids I used to hire don’t have time any more because they’re in community college.

School’s closed today. We’re dog sitting for family, so I periodically dress up and go out with my dog - not on a leash - and the guest dog, who is on a leash. Guest dog is a year old Boxer. Doesn’t like when it snows. I put this weird jacket on her that came with her. My girl is a Bernese Mountain Dog and generally thinks the colder and snowier the better, but I can hang out on the porch and wait for her. Not for the Boxer, wouldn’t trust her recall here.  

Comment by Boanerges on February 7, 2018 at 4:46pm

Glad you liked it, Kosh. We finally broke down a couple of years ago and bought a snow blower. It's been worth every cent. It's fun to watch five-foot, 100-pound Red dancing it down the driveway while I lean on a shovel and applaud. (If you're wondering why she's doing it and not me, it's because she insists -- she likes it.)

Anyway, most dogs and winter don't get along very well, at least in our experience -- two minpins who got lost in snowbanks and a spaniel who got ice balls in her foot pads. Burmese mountain dog sounds ideal for this climate.

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on February 7, 2018 at 6:23pm

I use the bucket on my tractor to fix them stink'in highway plows.  

I "plow" my driveway from the house out to the road then I "plow" 50 feet of my side of the road so that the bastards don't have any "snow ammo" to "attack" my driveway with.  

I do wish I knew where the snow plow driver lived though.  I'd tootle on over there and use my bucket to dump a few tons of snow on HIS driveway.  I bet that would get me some of them nifty white pills, ya think???

Comment by Steel Breeze on February 8, 2018 at 6:47am

Ha!....pretty damn true....the plan for years was for us to move south when i retired......was ten years ago....still here....need a bigger microwave....

Comment by alsoknownas on February 8, 2018 at 8:50am

Funny piece.

Comment by Boanerges on February 8, 2018 at 9:50am

If you find out, Amy, be sure to take some video/stills that I can send along to the (ahem) appropriate people here. You know, just as sort of a subtle reminder that actions can have consequences....

When we moved out here 12 years ago, SB, we discovered that just because we're as far south in Canada as you can get without getting wet feet, it doesn't mean we're not still on the frozen tundra. Or so it seems.

It is, AKA, and I wish I knew who wrote it so I could properly credit it.

Comment by Boanerges on February 9, 2018 at 8:39am

FM, I admit to being torn. Our street in the city where we used to live got plowed out maybe 10 times in 15 years, no matter how much had fallen. Here, they're right on top of it, if I can call it that, with combination plow and salt trucks. They're pretty much oblivious to where the road stops and lawns begin, so there's a lot of soil mixed up with snow that gets thrown into laneways like ours. We're fortunate, though, that we don't have sidewalks, as we did in the city, that we HAD to shovel regardless, or face fines.

Anyway, it's snowing (again) with as much as 12 inches in the offing over the next 24 hours. The plow's already been by once, and will be again soon, I'm sure. We're not going to bother clearing the driveway until later. Much later. And Gobless snowblowers....

Comment by koshersalaami on February 9, 2018 at 8:55am

I found a local service that plows and shovels. They’ve been doing my neighbors for a while and one morning at 7 AM I saw them so I went across the street to talk to them. Now I”m on their schedule. It’s like $25-30 a pop and they get here way earlier than my high school kids used to. I don’t own a snowblower so I’d just shovel. At this particular house I don’t get too much snow plowed across my driveway because I’m at the end of my side with a driveway at a right angle to me. 

Comment by Boanerges on February 9, 2018 at 3:02pm

Thought about having someone else do the clearing, since I'm 70 and Red's not a whole lot younger. Bought a snow blower instead a couple of years ago. I guess it's sort of like cutting grass down the ravine and along the creek bank. I['ll do it until it kills me, I guess. I'm kinda stupid that way.

Comment by Tom Cordle on February 13, 2018 at 2:52pm

Think I"ll stop complaining about all the rain we're getting here in Tennessee


You need to be a member of Our Salon to add comments!

Join Our Salon


Hooking up on BS

Posted by Robert B. James on June 24, 2019 at 7:47am 5 Comments

Just a Little Too

Posted by Doc Vega on June 24, 2019 at 1:39am 0 Comments

Water View II

Posted by koshersalaami on June 23, 2019 at 3:00pm 11 Comments

The Merlin Of BindleSnitch

Posted by Robert B. James on June 23, 2019 at 7:07am 7 Comments

Old Soft Shoe (POEM)

Posted by J.P. Hart on June 22, 2019 at 1:00pm 4 Comments

I saw one Mountain Lion

Posted by Robert B. James on June 22, 2019 at 8:00am 3 Comments

© 2019   Created by lorianne.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Privacy Policy  |  Terms of Service