You know that I hate you and despise you in so many ways. You do nothing but lie all the time. You are a con man, and you're only interested in yourself. But most of all, you really don't know the simplest things about how to run something like the US Government.
Now that I've gotten that off my chest, let's say (just for a moment) that you really want to make America great again. Actually, your options are getting more limited every day, what with the investigations by Robert Mueller, who cannot be stopped. But what if I offered you a way to transcend all those investigations into your business practices? What if I in fact offered you my best advice on how to become the greatest POTUS in American history instead of the worst? Because Donald, you know and I know that this is the direction you're headed in.
You have a long history of sticking knives in people, and I will propose a strategy where you stick more knives into more people than you've ever done before. Unfortunately, Donald -- you'd have to be a man and stand up to the waves of hatred that would come from some of your best friends. But what if I told you that in the process of stoking their outrage, you would in fact be in a position to have your image chiseled out on Mount Rushmore? Does that sound interesting to you Donald?
The first thing that I think you should do is to set up and repeatedly play and replay the biggest and best imaginary games. All of this role playing would have to be above top secret, because by doing so, it would create any number of scenarios where your life was in danger. And if you did the wrong thing, you would create your imaginary assassination. Or you would create an imaginary World War III. The point of playing these secret imaginary games would be to perform failure analysis. If you were killed in the imaginary games, there would be nothing lost. You could just reset the game and play again.
But I know how much you like spectacle and entertainment, and I think that performing these games would be a lot more productive (and ultimately fun!) than watching Rachel Maddow or whoever you watch on TV. And watching that shit makes you crazy, Donald. You don't need that.
The first place you would have to go would be to the CIA or Pentagon, because they have the games all ready and waiting for you. They're called simulations or war games. These games are designed by absolutely the smartest people in the world, and the one advantage these games have is that they move things along at an incredibly much faster pace than real life. They are the best games of all!
But in order to play these games, you would have to have some strategy. You could play according to the rules that your friends have already provided. Alas, I'm sorry that those courses of action will definitely lead to your quick removal in office one way or the other. But what if you did exactly the opposite of what your advisers have been telling you to do? The beauty of the simulations is that you could try on my strategy (or something like this) and see how it compares with the strategies articulated by your closest advisers.
One thing that you're famous for is doing exactly the opposite of what people with good common sense and wisdom are telling you to do. If you did 180s on doing any number of ways, I think that could provide you a great deal of pleasure and excitement. And again, it would be much better than trying to go out in public with no net below you when you do an actual high wire act. The beauty is, the next day, you could go back to the games and do something completely different, just to see how things work out.
The first thing I would tell you to do is the exact opposite of what you've been doing with foreign leaders. You call them up confidentially. Someone leaks, and then you wind up looking like a fool. But what if you started calling foreign leaders like Saudi Arabia, Iran, North Korea, Israel, and other countries, and instead made arrangements so that your discussions would be 100% open to the press? I know this is radical, but bear with me.
What if your first objective was to actually try to make world peace, and what if you were perfectly honest with the other heads of state? What if you said in front of CNN, God, and everyone that you wanted to work out mutual agreements between these countries that actually pushed you and them to come to some kind of compromise (or deal!). And in the process, you would be figuring out ways to create real peace and prosperity.
If you were calling Iran, what if you acknowledged the fact that Iran is the most democratic country in the Middle East? What if you offered to work with Iran and others cooperatively to make real peace in the region? Or Israel, what if you called your friend Bibi, and you told him frankly how he is in the process of turning Israel into a second rate dictatorship, and that you are considering breaking off relations with him and his country? What if you called up the head of Saudi Arabia, and you told them that their practices stink 100%, and you're really not interested in being their friend any more because we have the oil? What if you told Saudi Arabia, they could get in line with making real peace regionally with you, or you stopped funding them and their deadly efforts in Yemen, among other things?
The bottom line is, you could experiment with the secret games -- absolutely betraying all of your allies, and you could see what sleeping with your "enemies" looks like? I know you love reality TV, but imagine the fake consternation and chaos you could create by playing the games this way.
Sure, the games are structured in such a way as to have realistic responses. One of the first side effects would be to crash the world economy. But what if you quckly cut defense spending by 75%, while you simultaneously increased domestic social welfare programs by 500%? You could experiment with numbers and tactics, and see how they played out. If things crash and burn in the secret games, then so bet it. The best thing is that you would not only live to see another day, bur you could revise your strategies and set up a different game the next day.
Another possibility is that your friends (in real life) would turn against you in so many ways. Let's say your severe right wing pals start an insurrection against you? What if you quickly isolated those imaginary rebellions, and sent the violent law breakers (like the KKK and Nazis) to prison as quickly as possible? And what if you absolutely abandoned the Tea Party, and started a coalition with moderate Republicans and Democrats only? I'll bet you could get some really interesting results.
Oh yes, your billionaire friends would suddenly hate you with a white heat. Remember, it would not be reality. But imagine what would happen if the vast majority of the American public actually fell in love with some of the crazy strategies that you had tested and retested until you got perfection?
The games might show that your popularity would go through the roof, and you could then actually think about winning the election in 2020 instead of being either escorted out or carried out of the White House.
What do you think of that, Donald?