I got through my first treatment of chemo. I should stop here and just say goodbye. That is all anyone who went through the two poisons they pumped into me for five hours last week should say. If anyone who has cancer or will have cancer finds out what it did to me for five days last week, they might decide not to take the treatment. I wouldn't want to be the reason a person does or does not take their cancer treatments. All treatments are different, so please, don't go by me. I am prejudiced by what it did to me, and it is poison by the way.

The first treatment I took made me want to die and I adamantly will not take but the already scheduled next two treatments, period, unless I see some concrete improvement in the next PetScan. I would not take another treatment at all, but I'm not letting the fucking agony I went through for five days last week all go for naught.

It wasn't the sickness or nausea that got to me. They had pills that helped with that. But when they told me it might get into my joints, and it might hurt, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be lying on the floor crying like a two-year old for his pacifier. Anyone who has read me for any amount of time, knows that I'm on a first name basis with pain. Hell, we play golf together. (he cheats). But there's pain, and then there's the agony that the poison they pumped into me did to my body. The chemo literally set every joint in my body on fire and throbbed like the drums you hear in old Tarzan movies. I kid you not.

I should have known. I have gout in my ankles anyway. Add arthritis in my knees, hands and arms along with permanently inflamed bursitis in my right arm that I ruined playing baseball in my army days and you have "The Perfect Storm". I had to double-up on my meds to stop the pain (it didn't) so I ran low, and it being a holiday, the doctors were gone and the particular pharmacy I "have" to purchase my medications from was closed. Therefore, I had no choice but to suffer until I saw my family doctor on Thursday, five days later. It was a Tsunami of errors and I literally wanted to die. At times I thought would.

As I said, I do not plan on continuing this course of treatment if I see no improvement after two more sessions. I would rather live out my life free of the pain and sickness that this poison embarks upon you. I do not want my families last memories of me to be a sick old man agonizing in pain and soiling the fucking bedsheets. I will not go out that way, period!

But, so far I've concentrated on the negative. Maybe, just maybe, this chemo stuff may work. There is always that chance. Stranger things have happened, and if you think about it, anything that hurts this much has to be killing something. It may be my other organs, I have no idea, but if it's anywhere around the cancer that is in my body, it's choking the hell out of it. Nothing can hurt this much and not do damage to something.

So, in eight days, I will sit back down in the Chair of Torture for five more hours and take another two doses of chemo poison, my second, and pray to my God that it does not hurt as bad as the first one did. But I do know this. I will have enough pain meds to kill a small elephant and may even have what we hippies in the 70's called "Doobies" just in case the meds don't do the trick. Just Kidding. (yeah, right)

Views: 1036

Comment by Jonathan Wolfman on July 14, 2015 at 3:47pm

We love you, friend.

Comment by DaisyJane on July 14, 2015 at 3:48pm

i hope you have plenty of doobies around, kenny.

i am so sorry it was so hard.  

sending you love and big hugs.

Comment by JMac1949 Today on July 14, 2015 at 3:50pm

Opiates and cannabis are a great combination.  I once had a block (about four ounces) of blonde Afghan hash laced with pink opium, the best drug combo ever.  That block lasted over three months.  Be better and be well.  R&L ;-)

Comment by koshersalaami on July 14, 2015 at 3:50pm
I'd definitely load up on pain meds and use anything you can get your hands on. After all, it's a matter of life and death. Whatever it takes.

If I were you, I wouldn't be kidding.
Comment by Alysa Salzberg on July 14, 2015 at 4:13pm

I am so, so sorry you had to go through this.  I'm also very glad you can get a lot of pain meds for next time- not to mention those "doobies".  Sending healing thoughts to you.  

Comment by Cranky Cuss on July 14, 2015 at 4:37pm

Besides echoing what everyone else has said above, I just want to add how much I admire the fact that your sense of humor is intact. Because man oh man, I doubt that mine would be. Whatever it takes to reduce the pain, do it, my friend.

Comment by Sheila Luecht on July 14, 2015 at 4:49pm

Pain is the enemy. Fight it however you can. Tell those doctors that too. You need stuff. This is so tough. Shitty in fact. Thinking of you.

Comment by marilyn sands on July 14, 2015 at 5:19pm

I'm sending you the biggest hug I got!  Good - you got it!

You're our Hero & a damn great Writer!

Comment by Schmoopie on July 14, 2015 at 5:39pm
You are one tough motherf*^!er Kenny. I'm so sorry this treatment is nothing short of torture. I hope they can give you stronger pain mgmt meds next go round.
Comment by Lunchlady on July 14, 2015 at 5:51pm

Yes we love you and to know how bad you are suffering...I just wish there was something I could say or do to help. I am hoping all the love being sent your way helps at least a little.

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