We know change is inevitable, but the mind holds fast to what is known and remains anticipatory of the future. I liken my mind to a caged animal at times when I'm under stress. The different types of stress affect me differently emotionally but often the physical side effects are the same. Irregular heart beat flairs up, my blood sugar is more difficult to maintain (I don't test, I base this on how I feel) I'm unable to fall asleep and stay asleep, and excessive mental ruminating will likely occur.

Then I started taking melatonin, such a lovely mellow slumber aid. And I quit drinking coffee. I am drinking tea but drink less and sometimes drink herbal teas. AND I FEEL BETTER! The ticker is very regular, although I need to bring down my resting heart rate. I did have blood drawn earlier this week for a physical and I have a feeling my glucose was low, I was fasting and fading fast.  I will chat with the physician about the heart concerns when I go in.

Tomorrow my daughter was supposed to be getting married. Delayed now until next year, next fall...  It’s been a tough year for her. She lost her Father in December and her Grandma in July. Her fiancé Daniel was accused of harassing the neighbors, felonious something or another. They've spent thousands on a lawyer and are not done. It is, of course, fabrication. On the day the neighbor claims Daniel stood outside their house threatening them with a metal pipe he was in California at OCS (Officer Cadet School). Still, at the disposition hearing they moved it to district court because the DA is suggesting he hopped a flight back to Colorado for the expressed purpose of committing said crime. At this time, Daniel's lawyer has counseled them to remain in the house and to not use the backyard since his accuser's backyard is directly across from theirs. Life in the Denver 'burbs.

The other big thing that happened in 2012 is I lost my mom, easily the greatest loss in my life thus far. There is no way to prepare for death emotionally. There is no point in dwelling on impending death, this only robs us of joy and pulls us down. I knew she was weak and frail, I think she was ready, she was tired. She ran the race with perseverance but her race was done and it was time to go home.

By mid-week my house will be listed for sale. No mean feat. I actually hired someone to help wash the windows, and it was the clearly a good decision. I have sorted, cleaned, scrubbed, de-cluttered every room and every closet, every drawer, every cabinet. I have wiped down 1000' (?) liner feet of baseboard and trim, and umpteen 6 panel doors with "Restore A Finish" (great stuff!) and shampooed the carpets though out this 35oo square foot of living space on 3 levels including 24 carpeted steps friggen big ass house.          

And the last house my mom lived in.

The last kitchen she cooked in, the last porch she sat on, the last place she called home.

My son went off to college this year. I thought this would be an emotional zinger but he's been home 4 times so I haven't had time to miss him! His year has been a year of major changes, with funerals, a graduation and a move to a new city and on his own. Level headed kid = mom with few worries and is a good feeling.

What left me feeling ungrounded more than anything though this year was the passing of my mom. As I sit in my super tidy house, I wish I had made more of an effort to make her surroundings better. It’s a very nice house here but it never felt like home, it felt temporary and perhaps too temporary to invest time, money and effort (apparently). At what point I lost the urge to nest I don't recall. I want to nest, to put down roots, to be grounded. 

Enter boyfriend stage left. My rock of Kansas. We shall put down roots and start this new chapter! 

 

 

Views: 238

Comment by Katie Badger on September 30, 2012 at 9:02pm

I can't even thinking about losing my mom without getting tears in my eyes. I cannot imagine...

Your mother knew she was cared for and loved and now, she is still loving you from wherever she is. 

Put down roots! Even if they are with that Trig freak :D!!!

Comment by Scylla the Rock on September 30, 2012 at 9:06pm

Strong post.  I don't know if we every pass from grief.  Peace and strength as you move through these changes and keep that trig in line.

Comment by koshersalaami on September 30, 2012 at 9:22pm

What you're doing makes sense. It's not an easy thing to do, because you have memories of your mother there, albeit perhaps not that many comparatively to those of the rest of your life.

Listen to me, willing to give you advice, like I know something. I'm familiar with the phenomenon but I haven't exactly moved on.

Still, I'm glad you understand that it's your life that takes priority.

Comment by Jenny on October 1, 2012 at 6:24am

Julie, I had blood work drawn last week for a physical. Due to my lack of insurance, I've let (some) of these things slide. No appt yet, waiting for them to call me once they receive the results.

Scylla and Kosher, I'm believe the grief of losing a child must be more complex than losing a parent. My mom was 81 and had lived a full life. A devout Christian, we all believe she is with her Lord.  I don't know how you move on after losing a child, I hope I go through life and never meet that grief monster.

Katie, well, prior to her death, I would on rare occasion, allow myself  to "go there", after a brief sob, I'd snap out of it. I wanted to encourage her, not bring her down, so I did my cheerleader routine regularly. Then when she did pass, and I was there with her, it was wretched. I don't know how to suggest it can be anything other than wretchedly painful to lose your momma.

Comment by Dan C. Boutwell on October 5, 2012 at 10:46am

Great post, Asia.  Been around long enough to know change is the only constant in our life...hopefully there are more good changes than bad ones...I'm looking at a major one myself right now....maybe we should just expect good stuff to happen...why not?

Comment by anna1liese on October 14, 2012 at 3:20pm

Sometimes I wonder if life isn't like a moving stage ... where there doesn't seem to be a pause button ... just moving and more and more ...

Somehow it feels as though you have found a pause ... and in the pausing ... there is looking forward ... and being with ...

In your words ... there is at last a smile ... I think ...

Comment by James Mark Emmerling on November 25, 2012 at 9:43am

The disappearance of one's mother from the world is an utterly uncanny experience.

A neverending fountain of love is snatched away. That is how it was for me...

"There is no way to prepare for death emotionally. There is no point in dwelling on impending death, this only robs us of joy and pulls us down. I knew she was weak and frail, I think she was ready, she was tired. She ran the race with perseverance but her race was done and it was time to go home.''

This thankfully applied to my mom. Liver failure got her, and she went goofy in the head, but one thing she kept saying was, "i just don't care".

I knew what she meant. She had wanted to die for about 5 yrs.

Comment by Oryoki Bowl on November 25, 2012 at 9:58am

Wow, it's been quite a load for you this year.  I am surprised you had the stamina to clean and sell the house, but understand the need to move forward towards things you love, and be more vibrant and alive.  Glad you had a chance to spend time with your mom at the end, she was aware of that over all other things.  Home is where the love is.  

Comment by Jenny on November 25, 2012 at 3:32pm

Dan, hoping the positive out weigh the negative, may be the best we can hope for, and I'd rather expect the best yet still keep one eye open so I don't get blindsided when the sh*t hits. Have to just keep rolling along!

Anna1, I do think we just keep moving, at various speeds, but always moving. When we can be alone with our thoughts, we can hit the pause maybe, even a busy mind needs to pause.

James, it is "an utterly uncanny experience", the rug yanked so viciously out from underneath. Being there at the end, my brain will forever be branded with the images of her suffering. It, all of it, changed me to my very core I hope, because it should impact that deeply.

Oryoki, I knew going in to 2012 it would be a big one, always had that on my mind somehow. No way to anticipate how these changes will affect, for me at least. Now the house is under contract, I have 3 more weeks and that will be done, but before that, her birthday. That will be a kicker.

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