We know change is inevitable, but the mind holds fast to what is known and remains anticipatory of the future. I liken my mind to a caged animal at times when I'm under stress. The different types of stress affect me differently emotionally but often the physical side effects are the same. Irregular heart beat flairs up, my blood sugar is more difficult to maintain (I don't test, I base this on how I feel) I'm unable to fall asleep and stay asleep, and excessive mental ruminating will likely occur.

Then I started taking melatonin, such a lovely mellow slumber aid. And I quit drinking coffee. I am drinking tea but drink less and sometimes drink herbal teas. AND I FEEL BETTER! The ticker is very regular, although I need to bring down my resting heart rate. I did have blood drawn earlier this week for a physical and I have a feeling my glucose was low, I was fasting and fading fast.  I will chat with the physician about the heart concerns when I go in.

Tomorrow my daughter was supposed to be getting married. Delayed now until next year, next fall...  It’s been a tough year for her. She lost her Father in December and her Grandma in July. Her fiancé Daniel was accused of harassing the neighbors, felonious something or another. They've spent thousands on a lawyer and are not done. It is, of course, fabrication. On the day the neighbor claims Daniel stood outside their house threatening them with a metal pipe he was in California at OCS (Officer Cadet School). Still, at the disposition hearing they moved it to district court because the DA is suggesting he hopped a flight back to Colorado for the expressed purpose of committing said crime. At this time, Daniel's lawyer has counseled them to remain in the house and to not use the backyard since his accuser's backyard is directly across from theirs. Life in the Denver 'burbs.

The other big thing that happened in 2012 is I lost my mom, easily the greatest loss in my life thus far. There is no way to prepare for death emotionally. There is no point in dwelling on impending death, this only robs us of joy and pulls us down. I knew she was weak and frail, I think she was ready, she was tired. She ran the race with perseverance but her race was done and it was time to go home.

By mid-week my house will be listed for sale. No mean feat. I actually hired someone to help wash the windows, and it was the clearly a good decision. I have sorted, cleaned, scrubbed, de-cluttered every room and every closet, every drawer, every cabinet. I have wiped down 1000' (?) liner feet of baseboard and trim, and umpteen 6 panel doors with "Restore A Finish" (great stuff!) and shampooed the carpets though out this 35oo square foot of living space on 3 levels including 24 carpeted steps friggen big ass house.          

And the last house my mom lived in.

The last kitchen she cooked in, the last porch she sat on, the last place she called home.

My son went off to college this year. I thought this would be an emotional zinger but he's been home 4 times so I haven't had time to miss him! His year has been a year of major changes, with funerals, a graduation and a move to a new city and on his own. Level headed kid = mom with few worries and is a good feeling.

What left me feeling ungrounded more than anything though this year was the passing of my mom. As I sit in my super tidy house, I wish I had made more of an effort to make her surroundings better. It’s a very nice house here but it never felt like home, it felt temporary and perhaps too temporary to invest time, money and effort (apparently). At what point I lost the urge to nest I don't recall. I want to nest, to put down roots, to be grounded. 

Enter boyfriend stage left. My rock of Kansas. We shall put down roots and start this new chapter! 

 

 

Views: 237

Comment by tr ig on September 29, 2012 at 7:31pm

I am a rock... I'm like that Duane guy, except more of a hillbilly rock, from Kansas.

Been a long year for you baby. I'm with ya.

Comment by Emily Conyngham on September 29, 2012 at 7:37pm

You have really been through it, Asia. Glad you are finding the the time to drink tea and quiet your mind these days.

And nice you have someone to drink tea with you!

Comment by greenheron on September 30, 2012 at 4:56am

My year has been like this too....like turning over a wastebasket and shaking the contents onto the floor. This time next year, I am aware that most every detail of my life will be different, and these months will be a dim memory. Your coffee advice sounds like something I should try. I don't think we are ever meant to get over losing our mommas though.  I kind of don't want to.  Maybe you understand what I mean.

Comment by Joan H on September 30, 2012 at 5:44am

I'm wishing you a beautiful new chapter, Asia. 

Comment by Kai on September 30, 2012 at 6:47am

I have found that in the midst of extreme events (and it is never just one thing), the tendency to just put ones head down and slog forward, doing what needs to be done without much thought.   The business at hand gets you through it.  The introspection begins when life starts its inevitable swing back upward ... and that's a good sign. 

Comment by Jenny on September 30, 2012 at 7:10am

Trig, yes, just like Duane. Now serenade me please.

Emily, most things in life we must go through as there is no way around them. It is what it is! 

V., my thoughts exactly!

Greenheron, I had this foreboding feeling very early this year. All we can do is continue to move forward, try to make smart decisions and accept that we are on a path often that influenced by factors we cannot control.  Roll with the punches.

Thank you Joan! I am really looking forward to this and I think I found the perfect companion to walk this journey with.

Kai, I'm quite familiar with that slogging thing. I've soldiered through but I'm keeping eye on the horizon.   

Comment by Jenny on September 30, 2012 at 9:59am

I know Rita. Getting over losing my mom would involve forgetting her, but I will keep her alive in my heart and mind. That is the best testament to her life I can give her. To live well and be happy, to care for my family and love freely.

Comment by Anna Herrington on September 30, 2012 at 10:55am

Re-reading here, thinking of you...

greenheron:  I know exactly what you mean.

Comment by Jenny on September 30, 2012 at 2:46pm

No getting over her. She has a permanent place with me. I like the wastebasket analogy greenheron, makes sense. 

Comment by Hyblaean~ Julie on September 30, 2012 at 7:34pm

when you going in for the doc?

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