CDC Issues Nationwide Warning Not Eat Romaine Lettuce: Just as millions of Americans were preparing for the biggest food holiday of the year, CDC officials issued a warning not buy or eat romaine lettuce - restaurants should stop serving it and anyone who has it on hand should throw it out and clean the refrigerator immediately. When asked about the situation, President Trump told reporters he’s not really concerned - because only liberals eat romaine lettuce. In related news, law enforcement officials expressed concern that now the warning has gone public, mass killers may switch from guns to romaine lettuce.
Trump’s Deployment Of Troops to Border to Cost $72 Million: The Pentagon says President Trump’s deployment of 5,900 active-duty troops to the southern border will cost taxpayers a staggering sum of at least $72 million. No problem - just fax the invoice over to Trump Tower. On the other hand, I suppose it’s kind of a bargain when compared to all his golf outings.
Palace Aids Tell Meghan to Stop Dressing Like Hollywood Star: The Duchess of Sussex is reportedly in hot water with the Royals for refusing to follow “royal dress protocol” instead of the more fashionable, laid-back outfits she frequently wears. Meghan, I can totally relate. I mean, back in the day, my grandmother didn’t often like what the hell I wore either.