I am making carrot soup tomorrow. Not just any carrot soup, but my favorite curried carrot soup with rice. It is a good tummy warmer for when I feel less than terrific and also nice when the weather is cold. I went to the store today for some more carrots, knowing full well I did not have enough of them to make this recipe, then found I had a little extra time near the end of my visit to do some people watching.
It's a busy store, generally speaking, yet I was surprised at just how many people were out and about in the middle of the afternoon for groceries, etc. on a weekday. There were mothers with babies and young children, elder couples, and lots of young people, all shopping and enjoying the scene.
There's also a Starbucks in that shopping area, so lots of coffee drinking was going on. What I noticed most of all was that people were, for the most part, glad about being in the store together. It was one of those moments when we notice the best in others, as if there is some magical force tying us all together by invisible threads.
Now, I had been in a pretty punky mood, one I'm not proud of. I really had my life painted a pretty dark color this morning, for the most part. That this is not uncommon for me this time of year, many of you already know, based on my most previous post's second section. Yet this was darker, more serious, and lingeringly dangerous than I'd seen it in a long while. I like to know what my psyche is up to, and have found medication (to ease depressed states of being) to be something which either would not work for me well enough and/or has caused allergic reactions, some of them quite alarming, and so dispensed with them a few years ago. This was not handy. Yet I do like to keep my finger on the pulse of my own mindset so I can fix it if need be, like a mechanic fixes his/her own vehicle. I wouldn't recommend this for some people, yet it seems to work pretty well for me--much of the time. I do my meditation routine in the morning, then fix a bite to eat, perhaps blog a bit, do some chores, maybe even make a trip to a store, like today. But I felt like flatlining this morning and that won't do.
This close call is not my cup of tea. I do not dig suicide. While it is always an option, and some may find it a relief just to give up, I've managed somehow to tough it out through some pretty bad times for a lot of years. To give up now would be a real cheat for all that time spent on expanding my chances of survival along with my understanding of human consciousness.
While I awaited my homeward ride, I had two things happen that surprised me. One was a nice looking older man made eyes at me, and the other was that a young teenaged girl waved at me, even though we don't know each other. It suddenly occurred to me how in contrast to my regular levels of courage, determination for the journey and stick-to-it-inveness my new bad mood had grown.
I said to myself, No way will I allow the old "black dog" (ala Winston Churchill) to take me down such a path. Not that I think I would have come home and drowned myself, mind you, nor done damage to myself. But. I was beginning to get to the point of being just maudlin enough to scare myself. So here's to my curried carrot rice soup and a new day. In saying No to the "black dog," I hope to move through this time into a better one.