Business Group Sues as Secretaries Again Dominate March Madness

INDIANAPOLIS.  Marty Trowbridge is Chief Operating Officer of WidgeTek, a manufacturer with locations throughout the midwest.  “Our business is crucial to customers who buy our stuff,” he says, “whatever it may be.”


Trowbridge:  “There’s somebody dicking around with a bracket sheet right now!”

 

But last week productivity stalled at the manufacturer of fly-wheel hasps and pneumatic flanges, then slipped behind schedule as the NCAA’s Division I men’s basketball tournament began.

“We generally see a drop-off of twenty-five to thirty percent in non-farm productivity once ‘March Madness’ starts,” said Edward Hutchins of the U.S. Department of Labor.  “All of sudden people who don’t give a rat’s ass about Gonzaga are checking scores on-line when they should be filing paper in manila folders or doing other important stuff like that.”


“Your secretary beat you too?”

 

In the past, business groups have held their fire under the assumption that office betting pools helped boost employee morale and ultimately made for a more productive work force–but no more.  Friday the US Chamber of Commerce, the country’s large business group, filed suit against the NCAA in federal court here, alleging that the annual hoops extravaganza hurts American businesses.


“I picked Wisconsin because . . . I think their mascot is cute.”

 

A poll by Fortune Magazine indicates that the change of heart comes after years of losses by CEOs to their secretaries, who use non-traditional handicapping techniques to make their picks, ignoring more sophisticated measures such as strength of schedule, margin of victory and total compensation paid to players.

“I have found that the most reliable predictor of success in the tournament is uniform colors,” says Ilene Grealey, executive secretary to Marvin Kramm of International Auger and Boring Machines.  “A lot of ‘gals’ swear by mascots as the most relevant yardstick, but you never know who’s inside those big furry outfits.”


2017 All-Mascot 1st Team 

The Chamber is seeking a court order that would limit the number of bracket sheets a secretary could fill out at companies with fewer than 40 employees.  “In a mom-and-pop company, you can’t have somebody doing three different sheets based on who’s got the cutest coach, where their mother went to college and an old sweatshirt their boyfriend gave them in high school,” says Kramm.  “It gives your secretary too many ways to win.”


“There’s the wind-up–and the pitch!”

 

An NCAA spokesman said it would try to reach an out-of-court settlement with the powerful trade organization, but was not optimistic.  “Your average businessman is about as flexible as Bobby Knight on a bad day,” Allen Barkley noted.  “They don’t negotiate–they throw stuff.”

 

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “This Just In–From Gerbil Sports Network.”

Views: 20

Comment by Terry McKenna on March 20, 2017 at 8:35am

funny little piece

Comment by Con Chapman on March 20, 2017 at 8:40am

The secretaries at my firm usually crush everybody except the teenage kids of the partners.

Comment by Terry McKenna on March 20, 2017 at 8:52am

I don't play  - but it seems among those who do, the best strategy is ignorance.

Comment

You need to be a member of Our Salon to add comments!

Join Our Salon

NEW BLOG POSTS

You Should Know

Posted by Ron Powell on September 26, 2017 at 8:00am 0 Comments

Question for a Tuesday

Posted by Ron Powell on September 26, 2017 at 1:00am 2 Comments

Federal Service, plebes, swabs, beasts

Posted by moki ikom on September 25, 2017 at 10:24pm 0 Comments

WHISP

Posted by The Songbird on September 25, 2017 at 4:31pm 2 Comments

911 2017

Posted by vzn on September 25, 2017 at 3:30pm 7 Comments

the grace of protest

Posted by Foolish Monkey on September 25, 2017 at 11:43am 28 Comments

Just sayin'...

Posted by Safe Bet's Amy on September 25, 2017 at 8:47am 12 Comments

I Told You So - 25 September 2017

Posted by Robert Young on September 25, 2017 at 8:30am 0 Comments

Some of the past stays in the past

Posted by Terry McKenna on September 25, 2017 at 6:30am 0 Comments

Let's Get A Few Things Straight:

Posted by Ron Powell on September 25, 2017 at 5:06am 4 Comments

dirt calls

Posted by ABG 2.0 on September 25, 2017 at 4:14am 2 Comments

© 2017   Created by lorianne.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Privacy Policy  |  Terms of Service