Betsy DeVos In Hiding Amid Charges of Devil Worship, Necrophilia and Ritual Cannibalism

This just in; the whereabouts of President Trump's billionaire pick for Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, are still unknown after a pre-dawn raid this morning on her rented Bethesda town home by Maryland state police. The raid uncovered grisly and disturbing evidence of devil worship, necrophilia and cannibalism, but Ms. DeVos's supporters on Capitol Hill claim she is still a "stellar and compassionate educator, and hands down the best pick for this critically important position."  Chris Wallace of Fox News claims to have received a text message from DeVos's brother, Erik Prince, founder and CEO of Blackwater USA, the controversial security contractor and employer of the mercenaries who murdered dozens of innocent Iraqis in Baghdad and elsewhere, in which Mr. Prince demands that 144 Muslim virgins be delivered to his compound near the Great Dismal Swamp in North Carolina by midnight tonight or his sister will "Unleash Yahweh's Wrath" on "every apostate apologist for Islamic atrocities from the Bowling Green Massacre to the Battle of Hattin." President Trump responded by issuing a statement calling Wallace a "big poser and not even a real reporter" and re-affirming his confidence in Betsy DeVos's "excellent judgment and unwavering commitment to a robust system of public education provided it's paid for by Mexicans."

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Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on February 5, 2017 at 3:29pm

I always believed that when it came to cannibalism and necrophilia:  If you can't eat it, fuck it!

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Comment by nanatehay on February 5, 2017 at 4:52pm

Well said, Amy. And, as Sarah Palin taught us, it's not necrophilia if you don't have to dig 'em up.  


Comment by nanatehay on February 5, 2017 at 6:04pm

Though I don't agree with her politics, I gotta admit Betsy DeVos is good-lookin' in that "Hey, look at me, I'm a devil worshipping, cannibalistic necrophiliac" kinda way.

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on February 5, 2017 at 6:41pm

Please note that, based upon the Insane Clown Posse eyeliner, Betsy DeVos is a Juggalette.

Also, based on the short finger nails, she is a wannabe lesbian, but, unlike Congress, her application never made it out of committee.

Comment by nanatehay on February 5, 2017 at 8:14pm

The Juggalette thing doesn't surprise me, them's some crazy fcukers. BTW, I shared your comment on FB since it was so funny it made me blow Johnnie Walker Platinum out my nose. Is that alright? I shoulda asked first, but there was a chance you might have said no, and, well, fuck that.  This is shaping up to be a pretty good day tho - Betsy DeVos is hiding out in a swamp, Tom Brady's Patriots are  getting beat at the Super Bowl (though they're tryna make a come-back damn their eyes) and we got some excellent Scotch and home-made oatmeal molasses cookies goin' on over here...





Comment by JMac1949 Today on February 6, 2017 at 8:28am

Then with the psycho-kinetic interference of their Republican space alien reptile relations, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick tied and won Superbowl 51 in overtime:

Comment by greenheron on February 6, 2017 at 2:41pm

Don't know about the juggalo connection but there's a look in Betsy's eye that is similar to the one in Michele Bachmann's. An aspect of some fundie faiths is that believers must become involved in politics and channel their beliefs into law-making. This came out with Michele if anyone remembers. Her jesus schools thing seems like that. 

Comment by nanatehay on February 7, 2017 at 10:50pm

JMac -I read a nicely impartial, well balanced article today about this year's Super Bowl in Deadspin - I'm going to shamelessly copy and paste it here because it perfectly sums up my own feelings about the Patriots and their fans - present company excepted of course:

Let’s start with the obvious, which is that (gun to head) the Patriots are the greatest dynasty in NFL history. Bill Belichick is the greatest coach in history. Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback in history, with last night being the definitive instance of him performing football miracles with little more than weeds and garbage at the skill spots. Truly, NO ONE DENIES THIS. You will never see a run like this in pro football—with any other player, coach, or team—ever again.

If you’re a Pats fan, you now have everything you ever wanted, your own claim to every possible bar argument. You have your precious revenge against Roger Goodell, even though he remains firmly in power and could give a shit about your supposed vindication either way. You even got a fucking Tyree catch to call your own, so you can stop bitching about the original (not that you ever will). You should enjoy all of this, because Lord knows no one else did.

Okay, I’ve said enough nice stuff about the Patriots. Blech. Time to state a few more obvious things, FUCK YOU being foremost among them. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU WITH A FULLY INFLATED FOOTBALL. Eat shit. Die.

Literally no one is happy for you, Patriots fans. Everything good about sports is wasted on you. Any enjoyment to be had as a neutral observer of last night’s game—objectively, it really was one of the greatest Super Bowls ever, if not THE greatest—is soured by the fact that you bloated bags of shit are, through sheer cosmic luck, the beneficiaries of the Patriots’ greatness.

I’m sure you already know this, and are dealing with haters by retreating even further into the miserable, defensive arrogance you perfected long ago. That little THEY HATE US BECAUSE THEY FACKIN’ AIN’T US routine has always been a hilariously transparent cover for your eternal need to be adored. It’s actually the one thing that does make you unique among sports fans. You’re no tougher or more loyal than other sports fans, even though you constantly pretend otherwise, but you are historically needy and insufferable, so I’ll give you that.

You are scum.

You are the sorest winners God ever created, and last night will make you even worse. It’s a lock. This will only make you louder and dumber. You are the franchise of Marky Mark (he left early… NAWT A TRUE FAN), Dana White, and Donald Trump. You are proof that karma is a great lie; that the universe is randomly ordered and sometimes great things happen to truly awful people. Once the Patriots pulled to within eight, it was obvious (except to me, because I was drunk and thought the Falcons would be smart enough to run the ball) that the Patriots would come all the way back and then win, because God is sickening in his cruelty. It was like watching a puppy get its skull crushed.

So enjoy your fifth championship, you shitty-ass bandwagon Pats fans. Hell, you posers may even get to watch Brady and Belichick win a couple more titles before this is all said and done. Savor the victories, because they’re all you have. And they’ll never change the fact that everyone fucking hates you and will never respect you, because you are puke fucks.

Comment by nanatehay on February 7, 2017 at 11:52pm

greenheron - Apparently the Misguided Miscreants of Minnesota wised up for a minute and shitcanned that rancid harridan. She's gone now, was last sighted in Tijuana doing evangelical donkey shows and Bikini Milf Wrestling with Sarah Palin, but we'll always have the Iowa State Fair - 


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