This just in; the whereabouts of President Trump's billionaire pick for Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, are still unknown after a pre-dawn raid this morning on her rented Bethesda town home by Maryland state police. The raid uncovered grisly and disturbing evidence of devil worship, necrophilia and cannibalism, but Ms. DeVos's supporters on Capitol Hill claim she is still a "stellar and compassionate educator, and hands down the best pick for this critically important position." Chris Wallace of Fox News claims to have received a text message from DeVos's brother, Erik Prince, founder and CEO of Blackwater USA, the controversial security contractor and employer of the mercenaries who murdered dozens of innocent Iraqis in Baghdad and elsewhere, in which Mr. Prince demands that 144 Muslim virgins be delivered to his compound near the Great Dismal Swamp in North Carolina by midnight tonight or his sister will "Unleash Yahweh's Wrath" on "every apostate apologist for Islamic atrocities from the Bowling Green Massacre to the Battle of Hattin." President Trump responded by issuing a statement calling Wallace a "big poser and not even a real reporter" and re-affirming his confidence in Betsy DeVos's "excellent judgment and unwavering commitment to a robust system of public education provided it's paid for by Mexicans."