There are days when certain things hit me. It could be a sentence in a book, the end of a movie, the smile of a stranger. I feel a tug at my heart and have the desire to crumple on the floor and sob until I'm empty. I can't do it. I don't know how to get it out. My heart is so broken. 

I was watching a movie last night. "The Vow" with Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams. It's not a movie I would make the effort to see in a theatre. It's a little too Nicholas Sparks. (Sorry Mr. Sparks) But it was a Tuesday night and there was nothing on so I watched it on cable. It's not a movie that received award nominations and stellar reviews. But it is a true story - the couple it is based on are real. 

Basically, a young man and woman meet by chance in Chicago - both beautiful because, let's be realistic, this is Hollywood casting here. I loved the fact it was in Chicago - my home. I recognized the landmarks and places they frequent. They were totally in love. The kind of love where you can breathe for the other person. The kind of love where you feel the other's pain and would take it all on if you could, to spare your partner in life. They marry and don't necessarily live happily ever after. 

One night, they go to see a movie. They go to the Music Box theatre, on north Southport - a place I've been a few times. It's the first snowfall of the year. They race to the car and get in. Her fingers numb from the cold, he takes them to his mouth to blow on them with the warmth from inside his body. She reaches over to kiss him and that is when she unbuckled her seatbelt. Tragedy strikes. Though at a stop, they are hit from behind by a truck from Streets and Sanitation out to de-ice the roads. Both survive but she loses her memory. She has no memory of him whatsoever.

I won't go into more details other than to say that he tries as hard as he can to make her remember. She feels more comfortable with her family and her old life because it is the last thing she knows. One line from the movie hit me. He is leaving her to stay with her family - giving up on the idea of them being together again. She says, "I hope I can love someone the way that you love me."

They end up together. They are still together in real life though she never regained her memory. What hit me in the chest like a punch from a heavyweight was the fact that I may never experience such a love. What I would give to have that kind of love. Even if I lose it, to experience it would be the greatest gift. 

It's something, at this moment, I feel I will never have. I'm so focused on myself. I wear my armor, afraid to let anyone close because I know they will all just leave with the others. 

This love, this beautiful, all encompassing and fulfilling love. I reached out for it. It is beyond my grasp. I crumpled. Shook with tears and grieved over something that will never be mine.

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Comment by anna1liese on August 30, 2012 at 4:04pm

Thinking of tiny words of hope I heard in your last piece.  Let me offer them to you once more here ...

Who can know what one day might be yours.  I hope ... for you ...

Comment by lemonpulp on August 30, 2012 at 5:15pm

damn. great post katie. also, will NOT be watching it because i don't need the migraine that will result from bawling my eyes out.

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