Beagle Commandeers Computer; Writes Own Rant


Yeah, I watched the Westminster Dog Show. What a bunch of phonies.

I could look like that too if I had my own fulltime groomer. My

tall dog had me sitting in her lap. She said, "Look, it's a Beagle

like you!" I yawned and burrowed deeper into her lap. She's not as

bony as the other tall dog, much softer to sleep on.

And Carlie, the Best in Show winner who impressed everyone by

standing still for ten seconds? Please. There are days I don't MOVE

from this the couch.

Supermodels, whether canine or human, don't serve any purpose other

than to make the rest of us feel bad about ourselves. I, for one,

refuse to starve myself to improve my topline. The thing with those

show dogs is that they're shallow. They know how good they look. A

dog that has to stay clean that long loses touch with what makes us

superior to humans. After all, we never stood up and took the

weight off the front legs. We know that spreading that weight

evenly over four feet is easier on the knees.

In my opinion, there is an inverse relationship between the amount

of time spent in salons and brain function. This goes for tall

dogs, too. All those conditioners strong enough to smooth the

tangles from one of those cockers trimmed to look like an

upholstered footstool must be strong enough to smooth the wrinkles

of the brain inside that domed little head. Shine a bright light

behind her, and it will beam right through those pop eyes. And you

know some of those dogs have implants-eight of them sometimes.

You want a real dog that knows its work, you need to get yourself a

mutt, or at least a dog without a seventeen syllable name. A real

dog proves her love by rolling in something so aromatic that it

will bring the smell of the great outdoors into your livingroom and

make your eyes water from sheer intensity of emotion. Those fancy

dogs wouldn't so much as chase a ball unless a judge and three

cameramen were looking.

A real dog plays with your kids and romps in the mud and doesn't

stop to admire her reflection in the puddle. A real dog is mellow

and laid back and makes you feel better when the other tall dogs

act like...well, like sons of short dogs. A beautiful dog might be

nice to look at, but those girls are high maintenance. The bloom is

off that rose as soon as the spotlight's off. What can you talk

about with a dog like that? Brushes and shampoos? Airline dog food?

In a few days, our tall dogs will forget all those fancy breeds and

the hoopla will fade. Until then, don't expect me to get excited

watching the Westminster reruns and don't try to brush me out to

look like an Afghan hound. I'll be practicing my "stack" right here

on the couch.

--

Views: 93

Comment by J.P. Hart on July 1, 2018 at 6:26am

gosh there's sumthin' Joycean comin' on hereon, Lydieth like, 'Portraits of an Artist as a Young Dog' what with:

'Rants like Us! Baby---we were born to run...'

And you've prompted me to google-up the name of LBJ's beagle(s) O! Him & Her!

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Comment by Steel Breeze on July 1, 2018 at 6:33am

R&L..

Comment by Lydieth A on July 1, 2018 at 6:34am

Sweet Biscuit has crossed the Rainbow Bridge since this was written, but she appreciates the thoughts! 

Comment by Dicky Neely on July 3, 2018 at 9:56am

Ever read Archy and Mehitabel, by Don Marquis?  Published in 1916 It was about a cockroach, Archy, who was a reincarnated reporter. Archy lived in a newspaper press room and wrote notes to a reporter on his desk typewriter. It was vary funny.

Comment by Lydieth A on July 3, 2018 at 11:04am

Loved them. Thanks for the connection--and the reminder. Gotta go look them up again.

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