Yeah, I watched the Westminster Dog Show. What a bunch of phonies.
I could look like that too if I had my own fulltime groomer. My
tall dog had me sitting in her lap. She said, "Look, it's a Beagle
like you!" I yawned and burrowed deeper into her lap. She's not as
bony as the other tall dog, much softer to sleep on.
And Carlie, the Best in Show winner who impressed everyone by
standing still for ten seconds? Please. There are days I don't MOVE
from this the couch.
Supermodels, whether canine or human, don't serve any purpose other
than to make the rest of us feel bad about ourselves. I, for one,
refuse to starve myself to improve my topline. The thing with those
show dogs is that they're shallow. They know how good they look. A
dog that has to stay clean that long loses touch with what makes us
superior to humans. After all, we never stood up and took the
weight off the front legs. We know that spreading that weight
evenly over four feet is easier on the knees.
In my opinion, there is an inverse relationship between the amount
of time spent in salons and brain function. This goes for tall
dogs, too. All those conditioners strong enough to smooth the
tangles from one of those cockers trimmed to look like an
upholstered footstool must be strong enough to smooth the wrinkles
of the brain inside that domed little head. Shine a bright light
behind her, and it will beam right through those pop eyes. And you
know some of those dogs have implants-eight of them sometimes.
You want a real dog that knows its work, you need to get yourself a
mutt, or at least a dog without a seventeen syllable name. A real
dog proves her love by rolling in something so aromatic that it
will bring the smell of the great outdoors into your livingroom and
make your eyes water from sheer intensity of emotion. Those fancy
dogs wouldn't so much as chase a ball unless a judge and three
cameramen were looking.
A real dog plays with your kids and romps in the mud and doesn't
stop to admire her reflection in the puddle. A real dog is mellow
and laid back and makes you feel better when the other tall dogs
act like...well, like sons of short dogs. A beautiful dog might be
nice to look at, but those girls are high maintenance. The bloom is
off that rose as soon as the spotlight's off. What can you talk
about with a dog like that? Brushes and shampoos? Airline dog food?
In a few days, our tall dogs will forget all those fancy breeds and
the hoopla will fade. Until then, don't expect me to get excited
watching the Westminster reruns and don't try to brush me out to
look like an Afghan hound. I'll be practicing my "stack" right here
on the couch.