This song is just permanently stuck in my brain as the eternal question:

Where do we go from here now that all of the children have grown up
And how do we spend our time knowin' nobody gives us a damn

I don't want to live here no more,
I don't want to stay
Ain't gonna spend the rest of my life,
Quietly fading away

Games People Play, Alan Parsons Project

"I don't want to live here no more" seems more of a metaphorical statement these days. I have a serious yen to finally finish the inside of my house this year. New furniture and everything. I can afford it, I will need to hire people to do the floor and I would love to have the kitchen moved to opposite corners. If I do it, though, it will be me settling in for the long haul, in the house and at work. I want the back yard turned into a woodland setting with very little left to mow, also. I already have a colony of voles. I am going to evict them, but at least I know my yard is a friendly place. I just hope that the universe gives me a good handyman to help me out. I need a new vehicle, too, and a job would make sure that I can pay for it.

So if I am going to stay in my house and at my job, what part of "here" do I not want to live in? I am going to take a hard look at counseling; I'm not getting anything from this new counselor, including a dog. I have had too much Cognitive style therapy and while I know she is learning how to do it, all I am doing is rehashing. The next appointment is going to surprise her because the 5 column form is going to be full of me questioning if I need to take a break. I think I do. It may be time to grow away from the security (crutch) of the counselor and be open to real people to interact with.

I am feeling better. I can't remember if it was Monkey or Nerd, but one of them suggested upping my Vitamin D so I am taking it morning and night now and it's made a HUGE difference! I'm actually getting out of bed on the weekends! I took the cats out Sunday and that's how I found out about the voles, Adso had his face buried in one of the holes so I started scouting it out and it's a classic vole colony structure; lots of holes and top of the ground trails, really messy looking.

Lunar Eclipse Friday, 4:33 pm PT, 22 degrees in Leo, part of a YOD pointing at Chiron at 22 d in Pisces. Charmic, past life, ancestral wound healing. Moon and Jupiter retrograde in Libra make up the YOD. Grand trine in fire- Uranus at 27 d, Moon at 22 d, Saturn 25 d and Lilith 19d in Sagittarius. Inspiration and creativity. Overall- fulfill your mission. A lot of Jesus, love and compassion energy. What is your mission on the planet? Ignite yourself! Don't try to control others, do what's true to you. Relationship could be highlighted.

So that's where I am today. This year is about growth and change and I can feel it working in me. I'm glad I took up the astrology when I did, otherwise I'd be all confused about what's going on.

Dawn on Feb 3.

Views: 74

Comment by JMac1949 Today on February 7, 2017 at 1:22pm

Diet often has a huge influence on mental health and if the Vitamin D is working out for you so be it.  Do you have access to a counselor who is trained as a holistic therapist?  You might search out that kind of help as you explore the coming year.  Hope your renovations go well, with the house and yourself.

Comment by Phyllis on February 7, 2017 at 1:41pm

JMac, I've cleaned up my diet before and you're right, my mood went through the roof, but I've never been able to maintain it. Lifelong junk food junky here. :) I might could find a holistic person, a friend suggested a place for acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine that is local.

Comment by JMac1949 Today on February 7, 2017 at 1:59pm

If your counselor isn't working out for you, then shop around until you can find someone who can help you get what you need.  Of the many psychiatrists and psychologists that I've encountered in my life only two did me much good.  Most wanted me to take Big Pharma anti-psychotics.

Comment by Phyllis on February 7, 2017 at 2:14pm

All of them have tried to give me drugs, it was trial and big error on my part to find out that I can't take them. That's okay, though, as I see so many people that just take drugs instead of really working on their issues. I've been in counseling for over 10 years, though, and wonder how ready I am to fly alone. I hate shopping for a new person, it's just constant repetition of what happened and blah blah blah. I'm tired of repeating it to everyone.

Comment by tr ig on February 7, 2017 at 2:20pm

Does remodeling necessarily mean being stuck? Or, that when you when you move on your house will sell quickly and for much more, not to mention the daily holistic effect of living in a place that you can truly enjoy during your time there, be that long or short? You sound much better today. Keep up the good work, if that's what it is. Only you would know.

Comment by koshersalaami on February 7, 2017 at 2:51pm

I'm glad you're doing better.

In terms of settling in, it sounds like you're in half of a DIY version of Love It Or List It.

Comment by nerd cred on February 7, 2017 at 3:38pm

Let the cats spend as much time in the yard as possible. My Kitty cleaned up at least 1/4 acre of infestation in just a couple of years. She was small but she was fierce.

I'm in a similar position with the house. My first big hurdle is refinancing for enough to make a serious difference, including kitchen and bathroom. Especially kitchen and bathroom. If it works out, a first floor bathroom - aging in place. It's all like what tr ig says too, resale value. But first money and that leaves me paralyzed with stark, staring fear. Irrational. The worst they can do is say no. Maybe laugh at me. They're not going to shoot me. I will do it this week. I WILL. (Hoping saying it in semi-public like this will push me to do it.)

I would like to do the floors myself because I don't want to do the typical sanded down and poly-ed job that I think is all most pros know how to do but can't think how to clear out the whole house at the same time. Maybe upstairs/downstairs. And where do I stay during? Close kid/far kid. I wonder if I can rent a trailer and stay in my driveway. What I want to do involves shellac which involves long dry times.

Counseling - totally with you. My daughter was training student psychiatrists the whole time she was in Chicago because she couldn't afford more. It got old. She was so thrilled to finally get medical insurance. Follow your instincts, I say, but why do you get 5 columns? I only get 3.

I'm not in therapy because of the same thing - repeating my whole damn story again - NO! Though I did at one time sort of develop and rehearse a quick, abridged story the therapist could pull questions from. 

Do you have nextdoor.com where you are? It's a neighborhood bulletin board kind of thing and here it's a good place to find a handyman, etc, from someone who knows them, has used them. Or a fb neighborhood page. Someone you know might know a good one, though.

Getting started is the hard part, right? We could both do house blogs once we start.

Comment by Phyllis on February 7, 2017 at 4:56pm

tr ig, nowhere do I say stuck.

kosh, I feel like the whole episode inside of my head, that's for sure. I wish I could get those guys to redo the house for me. :)

nerd, I don't let the kittens outside without me. I don't think they would break their leashes or anything but I like to be out with them. Re the money, the universe will get it to you one way or another. we can compare houses as we go. :) Shellac sounds interesting but I'll probably do the poly route, I did it myself in the small bedroom and it looks pretty good. It really bring out the grain in the wood. And the columns- the first sheet has 3, the next one has 5 to more fully ponder the existential questions of "Alternative thoughts" and "Outcome." Just make sure your counselor doesn't jump on your alternative thoughts in attack mode thinking she's helping. Nextdoor.com wants me to join before they'll let me see if my neighborhood has listings. Thumbtack is useless, no one on it wants to drive to my town. I'll find someone to help me, the furnace guy knows people. 

Comment by nerd cred on February 7, 2017 at 5:28pm

You don't want to join nextdoor? I haven't seen any negative consequences. Will it show you who's on it before you join?

Shellac is the only thing I've heard really good testimony for sealing in smells. Pet smells. Smoke smells. I have an area where Lula had her "accidents" when she got really old and I know the people before me left their share of pee stains. Since I can't smell such things I have to rely on testimony from people who can. Also I like the color. Also I'll top it with an oil varnish which will be easier to maintain than poly.(Waterlox) Also my floors are maple which is screaming white if you just poly it, especially water based poly.

She's not my therapist, supposed to just do meds but we always talk for a long time, too. She's trying to get her org to let her take therapy patients but they want strict division between that and meds. I'm actually waiting for that decision. She doesn't attack and the latest meds do a good job so most of my answers are not at all now so it doesn't give her any fuel anyway. 8-) I'm feeling like if I can get over the money hump the therapist need  will go away. (I have to check those powerball tickets I bought...)

My columns are not at all, some days, most days, every day I feel thus and such. I guess that's 4. Also a page about physical limitations.

You can go out with the cats. I didn't mean just let them roam. Can't predict if they'll hunt, of course.

Comment by Phyllis on February 7, 2017 at 5:48pm

My only problem with joining nextdoor is that I'll have ti unjoin when my town isn't listed and they'll harass me with emails forever after, if they're like everyone else. It doesn't show anything before joining.

That's good to know about shellac and smells, I will definitely look into it. I plan on sleeping in the garage when they do it, so it better dry in a decent amount of time...

I've never understood the division between counseling and meds. How are they supposed to know if the shit's working?

I understand your columns now, you're talking of a check in sheet to assess your mood. I'm talking about something called a thought record, where you write d0wn your errant thought and dissect it. They are:

Here's one that's close to mine.

And this looks like a really good website. http://www.cognitivetherapyguide.org/thought-records.htm

Adso would love to hunt, the birds just laugh at him. He had his entire face in a vole hole Sunday but no nibbles.

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