ah fucking motherfucking fucking fucking fuck fuck

arrest number 5 yesterday, in about 18 months.

my son.

doesnt matter why.  doesnt matter if he was, in my opinion, doing the right thing but in the wrong way.

i dont fucking care.

i cannot stop sobbing, and i hate that fucking dramatic word.  crying is good enough, bawling is perfectly descriptive, but i am sobbing till i cant breathe, over and over.

i dont really want advice.  when you have a kid who doesn't fear homelessness, who has already chosen homelessness, tough love is hard.  doesn't really work.  nothing has ever worked with him.  not one person with any level of kindness or decency or humanity or desire to help or experience in helping - NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF HIS LIFE has been able to get through to him.

keith probably got fired today.

me, i cant even work.  

i dont want advice.  you can come try it here for one week and see how grateful you are when you go home.

i am speaking with anger, but my heart is decimated and i am broken and you guys, you guys never even knew me when i was good, but i am way worse than even five years ago now, worse than three worse than ever.

i can abandon my son and go make a life.  thats my option.  thats my ONE OPTION.

i am not ready to do that bc he is still only 19 and because i am the one who gave him the shit life that has fucked him up.  i need a middle ground where we are out of this house and see what we can fix when we dont live with a goddamned dementor.

thats all.

sorry to rain on the excitement parade.

did you know that every time i just EVER SO SLIGHTLY begin to catch my breath, to feel like OKAY, i AM strong enough to do what life demands of me, what NEEDS to be done, to at least move towards being FUNCTIONAL again,

my kid gets arrested.

its fascinating.

its fascinating.

now, a normal person, maybe their kid gets arrested and they continue to function.  i am no longer functional.  i dont get dressed.  i wear the same clothes for days on end.  thats the truth.  i am not doing okay, and so this is just one more thing that makes me not okay.

and there it is.

Views: 369

Comment by Anna Herrington on February 17, 2016 at 1:13pm

Hitting 'like' seems a little weird, but I mean it in mothers' solidarity. 

When my son got arrested years ago, was continually on the edge, I sat like a zombie, rode wild mood swings, tried to fake being 'together' for everyone else. It's completely heartbreaking, I so understand.

Your son seems determined to go his own way as so many do, who knows, you never know what makes them grow up in the end.  Hang in there, Daisy. big hug to you today!

Comment by DaisyJane on February 17, 2016 at 1:21pm

thank you, anna.  i will take that big hug.  thank you.  

Comment by JMac1949 Today on February 17, 2016 at 1:29pm

A lot like me, from 15 to 28, my stepson was pushing the envelope... fortunately he was only arrested once.  I grew out of crazy when I met him, and he grew out of crazy when his son was born.  Hang in and hope for the best, with any luck your son will get out on the other side of this.

Comment by DaisyJane on February 17, 2016 at 1:54pm

thank you, jmac. that is just what i want to hear - tho i hope it doesnt last that long, but i will take any light at the end of the tunnel anyone can offer.

Comment by Jeanne Sathre on February 17, 2016 at 2:21pm

Hang in there, Daisy. As one article explained it, if the 19 year old male brain was a car it would be a Corvette convertible with 430 horsepower, no seat belts or brakes and a horn that blared, "Hey, babe, wanna go for a ride." Time will get both of you out of this.

Comment by Ron Powell on February 17, 2016 at 2:39pm
You say you don't want advice but if this isn't a cry, nay a scream, for help there's no such animal:

On Children
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children." And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

From The Prophet
by Kahlil Gibran

"...and this, too, shall pass."

Venting is a component of the healing process. You're already on your way to getting through this...Even as you feel like you'll never get over it.

Be good to youself and stay well...
Comment by tr ig on February 17, 2016 at 3:08pm
Hmmm well this is not exciting. I wonder if he's considered all the implications of being housed by the state, in da jail?! Sorry. I'm still excited, but almost feel guilty, for living a life free from calamity and drama. Hopefully time will help. Maybe not.
Comment by Rosigami on February 17, 2016 at 3:19pm

You're in my thoughts, dj. In some ways this is harder to deal with than death, because it hurts just as much but it just keeps happening. I wish you strength. 

Comment by Arthur James on February 17, 2016 at 3:26pm

`

aye...

go read

and no

be bitter

and too

ill-ilk a

scornful

`

Best to Ya's

and eat Green

Pureed Grub

that Children

Critics Say?

`

Pa Pa Ya food

looks like Mud.

I Love Daisies

Petals. thanks

`

nice vent and

Great Cathartic

relief of Hurts.

``;`` pause

`

`

A true Prophet

Moses and Poet

Kakill abran

Comment by Arthur James on February 17, 2016 at 3:33pm

`
I KNEW IT.
YA's CAN TELL?
SQUARE RETURNS.
`
DAISEY JANE?
I HELP YOU?
HUH? I HELP?
`
I SET YA's UP?
I KNOW a dude?
his name a odd?
`
EDWARD F- UCKER
`
I PLAY CUPID? I
HELP YA's with a
ROMANE Green herb
salad? Ya's KNOW a
NICE LONELY NICE a
FRIENDLY HUMAN? huh?
`
it can Be Lonely.
But that's Safe.,
We no Be grieved.
`
`cc`
`

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