As I begin this I try to find a short way of saying that I meet with my counselor every two weeks, so I look for the definition of biweekly. Whomever came up with that as a useful word must have been working on a dare to see who would fall for it. The definition for biweekly is every two weeks, or twice weekly. How are we supposed to be precise in our word usage when using this word leaves it necessary to further explain to the reader, or listener, which definition we're referencing? 

As a segue before beginning, I wanted to let you know that two monarch caterpillars are feasting on my front yard milkweed plants! Almost all of them are blooming, a bumble bee has staked a claim to the flowers, and I found these two lovelies last night. I am thrilled beyond compare with this. I can't do much to save much of anything on this planet, but I am making a solid contribution to the continuation of the monarch butterflies, and it feels good! They are on separate plants and one is at the bottom while the other is at the top, so they won't fight for territory.

My counselor and I made plans to revisit the Cognitive Processing Therapy that I worked through with my previous counselor two years ago, and it seems to be a good decision. We started with my first stuck point, reworded it to be more accurate, and then proceeded to work me into a migraine. Migraines in counseling are a good sign because it means that we are digging into stuff that I don't want to dredge. Eventually, I am going to end up in Prolonged Exposure therapy, which I am not looking forward to, but I need it. She became very concerned today because I talked about what happened, even laughed in places, without breaking down as I describe horrific and painful events. 

So here's my question for you, if you can help me. How do I break through this barrier to my emotions? This weekend is huge astrologically, the new moon conjuncts Pluto, opposes Mars and the Sun, and squares Jupiter. I need to keep working towards my future and learn how to let the past be past. Is going back to the CPT and making a commitment to this other therapy that step? I wish there was some way to know.

After counseling today, it struck me that my messy house is another of my protective mechanisms, a way to keep people out and away from me. Doing the re-post last night made me think, I was having all kinds of issues with my neighbors before I had the fence installed. Now I have no issues, and I don't talk to any of them anymore. Even the newly widowed neighbor across the street is no longer waving to me; she has some set ideas about the people here, she is a retired school teacher, and she didn't take it well when I told her that her former students have made a hobby out of ridiculing me. It seems she has a different perspective on them and didn't want to hear mine. Oh well, I tried.

So I have my weight as a way to keep people from being interested, my messy house to keep me from bringing anyone home, prickly neighbors and a fence to keep me from making new friends, and constrained emotions to not let people in. What else can I do to isolate myself?

Views: 142

Comment by Phyllis on July 7, 2017 at 7:04pm
Comment by koshersalaami on July 7, 2017 at 9:40pm

What do you mean by "break through to my emotions"? Are you saying you want to experience more pain or are you saying you can't figure out what you really want?

Comment by Ron Powell on July 8, 2017 at 2:53am

Cambridgeport (zip 05141), Vermont

People

PEOPLE OVERVIEW  

The 2016 Cambridgeport (zip 05141), Vermont, population is 77. There are 78 people per square mile (population density).

Family in Cambridgeport (zip 05141), Vermont

The median age is 71.3. The US median is 37.4. 62.16% of people in Cambridgeport (zip 05141), Vermont, are married. 25.68% are divorced.

The average household size is 1.48 people. 8.33% of people are married, with children. 0.00% have children, but are single.

Race in Cambridgeport (zip 05141), Vermont

100.00% of people are white, 0.00% are black, 0.00% are asian, 0.00% are native american, and 0.00% claim 'Other'.

0.00% of the people in Cambridgeport (zip 05141), Vermont, claim hispanic ethnicity (meaning 100.00% are non-hispanic).

http://www.bestplaces.net/people/zip-code/vermont/cambridgeport/05141

"What else can I do to isolate myself?"

Seems to me that you're pretty much "isolated" already.

Are you sure that you mean "isolatated" and not  "insolated"?

No Black people, no Hispanic people, no Asian people, no Native Americans, not a single person of color.

You're living in a white people's heaven, the idyllic pastoral ideal, and you want to become further isolated?

Very well then, here's what you can do:

Let it be known that you're a black woman who has been passing as white for your entire life.

But before you do that, read the following books and if you've already read any of them, read them again with your plan of "escape" in mind:

BLACK LIKE ME, by
John Howard Griffin

THE HUMAN STAIN, by
Philio Roth (You should enjoy the fact that the story is set in rural New England.)

IMATATION OF LIFE, by
Fannie Hurst (1959 film)

TO KILL A MOCKING BIRD, by Harper Lee

All of these books have been made into motion pictures, so if you don't wish to read about how you can "further isolate" yourself, you can rent or buy the films and see how it can be done for/to you.

However, you may have to leave the lilly white cocoon to acquire either the books or DVDs.

Comment by Phyllis on July 8, 2017 at 3:04am

Ron, I don't live in Cambridgeport, the site forced me to enter a location so I chose a very small town that I've never been to.

Kosh, I'm saying that I can't cry. I have sublimated the horror. I have bundled everything away and am afraid to process it because I might break down. I can analyze what happened but I run from feeling it. 

Sophie, you get it. Thank you. I wish the writing could help me find the emotions but mostly it helps me to detach from them. And I agree, CBT and CPT are great tools, they've helped me to learn how to behave like a normal person. I think I missed the boat on processing the trauma, though.

Comment by Phyllis on July 8, 2017 at 3:11am

Also, Ron, physical location and level of diversity have zero to do with the isolation I'm speaking of. It's a mental illness thing. Everyone is suspect in my world. White people have done the damage, so I'm not sure why you think living in a white enclave would be safer for me. I will look for the books you mention, though. Thank you for the list.

Comment by Ron Powell on July 8, 2017 at 3:25am

"White people have done the damage, so I'm not sure why you think living in a white enclave would be safer for me."

Quite the contrary, your "location", in my view, would be a contributing factor to your issues...Not "safer"...

That's why I asked whether you meant 'insulated'rather than 'isolated'.

The books and corresponding films are excellent.

You'll do well to read them...

Why did you choose to put yourself in a 'location' you've never visited and know nothing about?

Comment by Steel Breeze on July 8, 2017 at 6:30am

you'll be all right Phyllis.....jus keep on keepin on.....

Comment by Phyllis on July 8, 2017 at 6:59am

Ron, I choose to be anonymous. Phyllis isn't a common name.

Steel, thanks. I slept awesomely last night.

Comment by Phyllis on July 8, 2017 at 7:00am

Maybe I do mean insulated. Thanks for the thought to ponder.

Comment by Phyllis on July 8, 2017 at 7:02am

And my question was meant to be ironic. I would like to have real life friends, I just don't know how.

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