a play in one act-- nanatehay, prodigal son, and Bob Vila (moi)

A random thought: I totally understand why many former OS contributors now contribute at fictionique.com. I tip a tin cup (if only I had a silver chalice!) to Lisa Neal and Candace Mann! It's an arty environment, mostly devoid of the negativity often found here at OS, some of that being my negativity. But, since I rarely, if ever, write fiction, I don't feel like I would fit in there. If I had the ambition, drive, and knowledge of the how to (which I don't, on all three counts), my site might be called realystique.com, because I blog what I know, the real day to day.

A pertinent sidenote: Yesterday, here relaxing on the couch, blinds closed and AC hard at work, I saw a blurb on some TV show, maybe a pharma commercial, that stated the average American passes gas fourteen times a day. I then, out of curiousity, did a study on myself. I watched the clock, carefully timing an hour to the second, making a hash-mark every time I farted. Guess what? It was fourteen! I then extrapolated the math using my cell device. That would put me at 336 foul expulsions per day, far above average.

Then, we went and ate Indian cuisine.

The setting: I (Bob Vila) show up at the new job site today before the crack of 9:30. My brother (Jeff) rolls up no more than half an hour later. We do what we can towards setting piers and receive the large materials delivery- when I realize that I had forgotten the wheelbarrow which we need to mix concrete. Not only that, the customer did not have a garden hose outside. We resolve to return to my house to pick up these necessities, and eat a free (or previously bought, much cheaper than eating out) made at home lunch at the same time. The boy-man (prodigal son, and nephew) is still asleep, having the day off from life-guarding, although the crack of noon is approaching by this time. 

Bob Vila:  "Dayumm, wake up!" (then, not seriously) "Want to go deck building like the old days?"

Prodigal son/nephew: "Huh? Dad, do you think you and V made enough noise this morning? It sounded like you were both wearing Dutch wooden clogs."

Bob Vila: "Was it not after sunrise? Is this not Monday?"  

Prodigal son/nephew: "You may call it Monday. I was calling it my day off. Then, after you left and I finally fell back asleep that cat snuck up on my chest. I woke up from a fur tickle only to see it's asshole six inches from my face."

Bob Vila: (laughing)

Jeff: (pacing in circles, chuckling and nodding)

As I'm preparing the lunch thing...

Prodigal son/nephew: "Yeah, I'll go with you and help."

Bob Vila: (surprised) "I was just playing. There's not that much you could do today."

Jeff: " What? Holes to dig, wood and quikretes to carry!"

Bob Vila: " True dat, actually."

So we eat, load items previously forgotten, and embark to the job site through the beautifully coiffed suburbs of Johnson County, Kansas. Prodigal son/nephew hooks his iPhone through the auxillary jack to my truck stereo. We listen to his latest discovery, Dr. Dog, as we travel..

Jeff: (as we enter the vehicle) "Eli, I have to warn you. I didn't shower this morning. While you slept, semi-peacefully, I was digging piers and noticed my own funk. You know it's bad when you can smell yourself." 

Prodigal son/nephew:  "Yeah, when you smell your own, you can bet it's magnified ten times to the noses of others."

Bob Vila: (nodding)

Jeff: "Those iPhones can do pretty much anything I guess."

Prodigal son/nephew: "Pretty much."

Bob Vila: (passes gas, but not so loud that it can be heard over Dr. Dog)

Prodigal son/nephew: "DUDE! Yeah, I just got a whiff. You smell like sasquatch dick!"

Bob Vila: (casually checks traffic)

Jeff: "Told ya"

Prodigal son/nephew: "Wait, it's not sasquatch dick. No. More like a diaper full of used Indian food on a hot day in Calcutta!"

Bob Vila: (chuckling and nodding) 





Views: 99

Comment by tr ig on December 25, 2012 at 12:26pm
You lie: I got to the site at 9:39.
"You smell like sasquatch dick!"

Wait, how does he know....NEVER MIND!!

Great story!! ~applause~ I LOVED IT!! I want to publish it on my new website --- DONKEYDICKSINCORP.com!! Where only the best of the worst get to write!!!

Yes, yes, Nana can be published there too!!!


~wanders off to watch America's Got no Talent~
Nana, he already said IT WAS FICTION, gawd!!

Wait, no he didn't, I just thought that!!

~wanders farther away into the night~
Can ya see the damned video? OS is freaky these days. One time I look and it's here, the next time not.

Joisey.... excel? Thanks
This sounds like my sickness.. NO Indian food involved though.
Id huge ya but y;all probably stink/:)
IQ, you should have been in that truck; definitely NSFW.
Hey, be careful with that Sasquatch dick comment, tr iger man. I hear that Nana is very sensitive.
Good thing this post doesn't come with Smell-O-Vision like in the movie theatres of old.
Jeff, 9:39 was, maybe, when you were walking through the backyards of the wrong address houses, you non-bathing, non-writing down the correct address heathern!

Tink... yeah, how does MY SON know what sasquatch dick smells like? Not from watching that show on A&E!

iq, Linda, and future visitors... I'm sorry!
awww, you came and looked at fictionique?? how sweet of you, kc brother o' mine. but i'll hafta tell lisa you called her place -- [i'm just hired help. well, help anyway :-S] -- *artsy*!! tough chica that she is might ... well, i dunno what she might, but you'll find out. 

lots of us writing over there are still writing over here, too. i mean, how could i pass up the chance to stay in the pool with you guys of the eating-indian-food and discussing gas-passing for a whole post? aaaaah, home sweet home. xoxo
i just looked on your right column and one o' your faves, jaime franchi (?) has a post entitled Aromatherapy.

coincidence? i think not.
I had to chuckle while reading this. Boys will be boys! So many of you are proud of those "not very sexy" (as I tell my husband) bodily functions. And yes, I've been held under the sheets, too. Ok...maybe that was TMI. ( but it was a long time ago) When my son lived at home, he would hold my head in his armpit after a workout. Ewwww! Boys are gross!
Mojo, he is in fact sensitive, yet manly. The perfect mix.

Scarlett... laughing.. it would take a true pro to duplicate the smells described wouldn't it.

Candace, keep Lisa Neal off my ass! Please!!! True, I must see Franchi's post after I watch the nightly descent of the bats.

Chelle.. it's crude, yet real. Funny? Not particularly!
One of my old boyfriends used to call me with the daily Poo Report. You would have liked him.
Fiction is complicated with character and plot development and denouement and such going on all the time, and sometimes requires wearing a beret which is damn goofy on a job site, while writing a one act realist play including snappy dialogue takes a certain sort of je ne sais WTF that defies ordinary boundaries and brings one into touch with their inner essence. In an olfactory manner anyways......
Ahhh...Animal House meets Little House on the Prairie. I'll bet being around you three is a laugh riot, tr ig. :D

alsoknownas gets "best comment" or at least "best piece of a comment" for "je ne sais WTF."

lisa says "thanks, you're sweet." she's not nearly as tough as i said. 

My advice is to avoid those cabbage and lentil combos.
Since I don't think my earlier rate too and am back here anyway, I can't think of 'prodigal son' without thinking beggar's banquet and the rolling bones. here's to you stinky boyz.


p.s: slaughter any fattened calf lately?
Scarlett, far out! Listening now. He's been listed in my phone as prodigal son foreva for my own reasons. Cool.
Back to respond to all immediately. 

The bats have lifted, either that or I can't see them any more. 

Talked to Connie Mack, my (and our) friend from OS. Going to hang out with her at her son's new place on "the west side" of KCMO tomorrow afternoon. Unfortunately, damned circumstances, I'll miss the concert tomorrow night.
Hella thunderstorm out. 

greenheron.. we mens do like that kind of thing. And we think women have issues.

aka, the French waste so many vowel sounds! Great comment and thanks

Lezlie "Animal House meets Little House on the Prairie." Well said :o)

Candace, is Lisa's OS log-in broken? OK, you can be liaison.

ONL, cabbage and lentils sounds explositorally delightful!

Sheila, don't encourage her!
What's that smell? Are we in Tacoma?
Mojo... here is a song that mentions aroma and Tacoma. You'll like it, even though it's an artist you don't care for.

...and Indian food? Single is heaven, I love my cat, single is heaven, I love my cat, single is heaven, I love my cat, single is heaven, I love my cat...

Thank you for an informative post.
Oh dear Lord, I just lost a load!
This is genius. It is epic. I’m talking “Tony.” How did you do it? How did you take a seemingly insignificant “day in the life” episode and turn it into a multi-layered diatribe that rages against child pornography, herpes, the Holocaust, pollution in space, urban sprawl and the heartbreak of psoriasis, among other things (these are just what I picked up on the first reading; it is so nuanced that every time I re-read, I get more out of it).

The reader is immediately drawn into the drama, kicking, screaming and cursing, and the full-blown sensory descriptions are more effective than watching Avatar in 3D.

If the three of you were on stage, taking your bows, and I was in the audience, I'd be applauding wildly while hurling Febreze-soaked roses at you.

(I usually have trouble interpreting "deep" things like this without CliffsNotes but I got it this time!!!....right?)
Go ahead - make me snort out loud. POSB! Say hey to the Nanaburger and the Chip! Seize ya later.
sometimes you post stuff and i think: "man i wish i was there with 'em"

but todays tale of 3 dudes in a truck...funk & farts...

yeah...not so much today
OMG!!!! Now this is why you just CAN'T move over to Fictionique trig! OS would be so darn boring and lifeless without you!
I hope you guys survived the storms, the Weather Channel lady was all over your part of the country with her ass(and yes, she has a nice ass!!)

~hugs~ Manly hugs, like you see on those movies with those manly men, like Bird Cage. Wait....

Aromatherapy, indeed. Now I'm inspired to write about what memories boy farts bring up...I'm transported to my brother's childhood bedroom - the windows were always closed, and my first boyfriend, and the introduction to the "dutch oven." Good times.
We don't call them skunk apes down here for nothing.
Dr. Dog is very groovy, also.
Wow! You garnered a comment from the elusive Connie Mack. Thanks for the tip about fictionique. I wondered where everyone had gone to. OS really needs to get its act together...beginning with some new editors, for sure.
Thanks for reading this load of crap! 

Woke up too late to reply better than this.

Got to go (to work that is)!
You realize, of course, that when you really translate Shakespeare from the Elizabethan/Jacobean English, he comes out about like this, right? 

That's an exaggeration. Chaucer, on the other hand, did write about passing gas. Based a tale on it. That, however, is even harder to translate. You could try writing this in Middle English:

"Swiche thoughtes as these come from I knowe not Where - 
Atte Fictionique my peeres dothe wrighte
Whilst I pass gasse that puts them alle to flighte
Without theire Presence I am alle berefte
Thoughe Truthe I be the Reason that they lefte
So many gonne, alike both manne and wenche
In faithe that none of them coulde stande the stenche"

I leave it to you to continue
sasquatch dick - available on www.ebay.cn

Just thought it may come in handy.
"Press send FRed(tm)"
You know what's funnier than farts?

A swift kick in the nuts! Come 'ere you lug, I got something for ya!

Bada Bing!!! Stop squealing like a little girl, your brother Nanatehay only cried and said stuff like, "That's not funny!" in a high pitch, girly voice.

God, the men of Open.salon is more like than High Pitched Sounding Can't take a shot to the nuts without crying boys!

I's alreadys luvs ya!

Rated and favorited!
Hmm. It's fortunate, I guess, that the deck I want built is downwind from the house.

Enjoy your time with Eli. Make memories.
Sasquatch dick is the new goat ass. You're ahead of the eight ball. Oh my. I long for the elegant, tea-sipping days of goat ass.
heehee to the new goat ass. Yeah, we have fun, and yes this was a fun day believe it or don't : )
Comment by Boanerges on December 25, 2012 at 3:06pm

I'd like to have said these are carrying recycling too far, but I couldn't, because they're good. Brings back some times, Trig.

Comment by tr ig on December 25, 2012 at 4:34pm

I'm letting most of them lay over there and rot Bo... thanks man

Comment by Boanerges on December 25, 2012 at 4:36pm

Bring 'em on, Trig old son. There was an awful lot of really fine stuff there. Hate to think of it all disappearing into the cyber abyss.


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