I was just washing my face, all covered with soap and my eyes closed, and I got very scared and saw a man coming up behind me to grab me. I don't know if I knew him, I might have, I just know that he scared me.

And I was child sized. Is THIS why I don't like to have my face in the water and unable to see? I thought it was Mom, but this was so real... Put me with a sketch artist and I can give you a face.

That's me in front of the mirror and the man reflected in the mirror. It's not a perfect fit for what he looks like but it's close. He was more weather beaten middle aged with gray hair that was white around the edges and an intense look on his face as he was reaching for me.

After I finally fell asleep I had a complex dream of the family hiding that someone had hurt me because it would mess up his life. In my dream it was his dad making snide comments about the unreliability of my accusations and my dad sitting there and taking it.

It looks like I'll be using my FMLA sick time today to find dad and ask questions. If he can remember. 

Views: 78

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on March 19, 2018 at 7:49pm

Geez, babe...

If you are having PTSD flashbacks you need to talk to somebody pronto, okay?

Comment by Phyllis on March 19, 2018 at 8:57pm

Hey, Amy. I'm not sure who I'd talk to at midnight. I'm not freaking out like I did after my rape flashback but I admit that I'm not sure I want to go to sleep, either. I was really afraid when I saw this face, usually when I start to freak out washing my face I pull out right away, tonight I really thought the fear was irrational so I just kept going.

I guess it's like all of those vegetables I've always hated then tried to eat as an adult and got sick after. It was there for a reason.

Dammit.

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on March 20, 2018 at 6:40am

Hey, Amy. I'm not sure who I'd talk to at midnight.

Good morning!

...and **ahem**...

http://ptsdusa.org/get-help/hotline-crisis-numbers/

Comment by Foolish Monkey on March 20, 2018 at 7:30am

Phyllis, I don't have any answers except keep working your therapy, call that hotline number amy gave you and keep pushing yourself to heal.  maybe your subconscious is throwing old scary shit in your path just when you decide to take control and make more positive moves outward. 

As for washing your face, with soap etc....I stopped that kind of washing after I got this dry rash and a dermatologist told me I was drying out my skin.  she suggested I use coolish warm water and a rough cotton washcloth and scrub my face, she said I could use a moisturizer to clean my skin after wiping it.  and then reapply moisturizer if it needed it. No soap.   I've been doing that for years and it works. And I don't submerge my face.  Just scrub a couple of times a day, moisterize and I'm done.

Comment by Phyllis on March 20, 2018 at 8:31am

Thank you, Amy... :)

Monkey, thanks for the face washing tips. I usually do use a wash cloth because of this fear that I have, I just felt like using the immerse the face method last night. I really won't be doing that again. How do you wash off makeup with just water? Or is it the old Noxzema thing, slathering on the cold cream and then wiping it off?

Comment by Foolish Monkey on March 20, 2018 at 9:33am

you can use anything you want but I use a relatively decent water based facial moisturizer - slather it on and then wipe off with a warm clean washcloth. you can rinse out the washcloth and do another rinse on your face.  but most important to then put on a better moisturizer.  

Comment by Phyllis on March 20, 2018 at 12:38pm

Found him. My mom's step dad's brother. Dad said, in a dead sarcastic voice, that he was definitely the type to scare a little kid to death. 

Comment by Foolish Monkey on March 20, 2018 at 1:41pm

phyllis, that picture you drew is VERY accurate.  the eyes.  wow.  spooky. 

Comment by Phyllis on March 21, 2018 at 5:52pm

Thanks, Monkey. He does look creepy, doesn't he. He ended up married with several kids and grandkids, too. Life just isn't fair.

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