A lesson about establishing closeness and a subsequent story

When my oldest nephew was two, a couple of years before J was born, my wife and I went on vacation with her parents, her sister and husband, and my nephew. We rented a house at the beach in North Carolina for a week. I was not yet a parent but was anxious to become one and I had always liked kids, so I spent a lot of time that week playing with my very cute nephew.

I think my sister in law was pregnant with her second son on that vacation. Once I had two nephews, I saw the boys on the same visits for the same amount of time, but I was distinctly closer to the older one, mainly because he reacted differently to me. He was happier to see me, knowing better who I was. Two is, I think, too young to remember back to once you're older, but the established bond was remembered from then and continued to have an impact. My nephew didn't remember getting close to me, he just remembered that he was close to me.

He got older and learned to play bass, which he played mainly in church bands. Music was a common bond and sometimes I'd e-mail him about older music to check out. I didn't see him much because the closest I ever lived to him was three hours away.

Six or seven years ago, my sister in law's family was awakened in the middle of the night by a fully armed SWAT team crashing through their door and arresting my nephew on drug charges. He was accused of selling drugs. There was never any evidence that he was armed; that series of SWAT raids was essentially a local political stunt. But it was worse than that. The raid was just before Christmas, timed deliberately so families couldn't get their kids out of jail to spend Christmas at home. My nephew was out just after Christmas. My brother and sister in law had no idea their son had any involvement - they went from zero to SWAT team in the house essentially instantly.

Part of his drug scene was pills. I don't remember if he had a medical reason for getting on them. What I do know is that they led to heroin.

I'd seen my nephew while he was either on it or had been on it relatively recently. I don't think my sister-in-law was telling the family what was going on yet, but it was obvious that something was going on. Have you ever spoken to someone on heroin? My nephew was skinny, kind of lethargic, incurious - lacking a spark, and spoke with a simpler vocabulary. In short, my bright nephew wasn't bright. His parents went through all sorts of efforts to get him clean, going through all their money and dealing with an addict in the house.

At one point he got himself shot in the leg. He claimed it was part of a carjacking, but there was no way to be sure under the circumstances. If that was true, it was unlikely to have been the whole story

My nephew cleaned up and his brightness returned. He was surprised when I told him how different a person he was when he was on it. We heard stories about how friends of his had died and it shook him.

On Thursday I think it was, maybe Wednesday, my wife got a phone call. My brother in law found my nephew in a coma and he was on a ventilator in the hospital with a bad prognosis. My wife, daughter and I started to prepare ourselves to drive to Ohio for a funeral.

Did I mention that my sister-in-law has been fighting cancer? She got good news about that in the middle of all this.

Yesterday (Friday) we got more news from Ohio. My nephew has been pronounced dead because he has no brain activity. They put some sort of dye into his blood and discovered that none of it was reaching his brain. However, on his driver's license he checked Organ Donor, so his body is being kept alive pending anyone needing an organ.

And we got another piece of news: his toxicology report came back negative. His parents said he'd been clean for a year and it turns out that his coma was not induced by an overdose. A young man addicted to heroin is found comatose - what would you assume? Addicts aren't exactly truthful when they lapse. That was everyone's first thought, including his parents'. But no paraphernalia was found in the house and his tox screen says he was drug free.

That was, oddly, good news.

Of course, we now have no idea what killed my nephew. We're hoping to find out once they get to an autopsy, which will happen after organ donation assuming someone somewhere needs an organ and there's a match.

I know I'll be driving the family to Ohio soon for a funeral, though I don't know exactly when. I hope my wife and I can be of some help to her sister and our brother-in-law. After all, we have some experience in this area.

Update, 12:57 PM EST Sat.
They have taken his heart and kidneys. He saves three lives.
Mon.: Not heart, liver

Views: 453

Comment by Rodney Roe on March 12, 2017 at 6:03pm

Thanks for the update.  Our granddaughter has lived 10 years now with the kidney of a 23 y/o woman who had the good grace to declare herself an organ donor.  She's now 13.  Her life on dialysis would have been much different.  I hope that knowing that their son has done that for others helps them just a little with their grief.

Comment by koshersalaami on March 13, 2017 at 7:05am

I hope so. By the way, I was wrong about which organs: it's liver and kidneys. I was wondering about that because last I heard they suspected heart attack - weakened heart due to addiction. Is that possible?

Comment by Anna Herrington on March 13, 2017 at 9:26am

I wondered about the heart, one reason I was hoping it wouldn't have been addiction related, but yeah, the heart can be definitely affected by heroin and pill abuse.

Again, so tough. I'm so sorry for your family's loss, and the future lost for that young man, as well.

Comment by Theodora L'Engle Knight on March 15, 2017 at 12:08am

oh god, kosh, i somehow missed this one. i'm so sorry. but his being sober...., well, in that community that's the most important thing. this opoid thing is completely out of control. i'm just so sorry for your loss and for this heartbreaking experience.

Comment by koshersalaami on March 15, 2017 at 2:39am

Thank you

Comment by Rodney Roe on March 15, 2017 at 4:45am

kosh, your question about whether it is even possible for a young person to have a heart attack secondary to drug abuse is complicated.  Some abusers use only one drug, or one class of drugs while others experiment with a number.  Chronic abuse weakens systems all through the body leaving all of them vulnerable, and there are genetic factors to consider as well.  Cocaine and meth are particularly hard on the heart.  I.v. drug use of any substance can be harmful due to the effects of whatever the drug was "cut" with.  Some substances cause foreign body reactions everywhere, notably the liver, and since they decided that they could use his liver that must not have looked like a big problem.

Again, I feel for you.  I always liked the Spanish version of "I'm sorry", lo siento, literally, "I feel it."

Comment by koshersalaami on March 15, 2017 at 7:17am


Lo siento

That's cool

Comment by Rodney Roe on March 16, 2017 at 4:10am

FM, when our granddaughter was waiting for a kidney our daughter had a code.  She would text, "We're going to Phoenix."  We were at friends, sitting on their dock, when the text came.  I looked up to see Lynn crying.  "What's wrong"? I asked.  "Someone has died."  More overwhelming than the emotion of joy that our granddaughter would get a kidney transplant was the feeling of sympathy for some family's grief..That young woman's liver was divided and transplanted into two people, and her kidneys went to two recipients.  The transplant surgeon worked all through the night.

Comment by koshersalaami on March 16, 2017 at 7:25am

This was strictly my nephew's generosity. My sister in law didn't know he'd checked that and says if she was asked she's not sure she was in any condition to agree. 

Organ donation led to a Talmudic decision. Jewish doctrine says our bodies are on loan from God and should be returned in as good and complete condition as possible, but it's a major mitzvah to save a life, which is a bigger deal. 


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