WITH APOLOGIES TO JONATHAN SWIFT --
Dear President Elect Trump:
I understand that you're having problems lately. Hollywood doesn't like you, and neither does the CIA. You're having troubles understanding how the US government works, and some of your policies already look like they won't float. Cheer up! I was awake all night thinking of things that could help you out, and what Kellyanne Conway said was true: Who needs words to pass legislation or policies when all people have to do is to look into your heart. So, relax! Here are five surefire policy changes that will really make America great again, just like you said.
You promised West Virginia to help them mine more coal, and I'll bet you're with Mitt Romney's proposals in 2012 to add another 200 ships to the US Navy. But what are you going to do with all of those horrible cost overruns?
The aircraft carrier, the USS Ronald Reagan has cost over $13 billion dollars already. It's still trying to get the bugs out, and the first of the Zumwalt class destroyers (at $1.1billion a pop or more) was last spotted being a floating paperweight in the Panama Canal. You certainly cannot spend that much money on massively beefing up the Defense Department budget when there are so many friends who are building contractors needing construction projects. My solution is easy. Why not return to a proven, low cost technology that can turn out ships, tanks, and other vehicles that are one tenth the price they do now? I am thinking of coal power.
If we do away with those needless environmental and safety standards, I am sure we can build a coal fired aircraft carrier, for example. Imagine the majestic plume that the USS Rutherford B. Hayes would make as it sank below the horizon. I'm sure that army tanks can be converted to coal, too. I am sure that this is the kind of creative thinking your administration needs. And while we're on the subject of the armed forces, let's think about privatizing
MILITARY GOLF COURSES!!
I read somewhere that the Armed Forces own something like 27 golf courses all over the world. What kind of waste is this, anyway? I'm sure that they should be privatized immediately and sold off to the best (not necessarily the highest) bidder, and that means you! Once you take ownership of all those golf courses, they can be branded as Trump golf courses, and I am certain they will immediately attract only the finest golfers in the world. That, and the fact that it makes your pocketbook swell up. Who could ask for anything more?
LIARS LOANS ON ARMAMENTS
In terms of appealing to particular target groups, I am thinking of people who own major stockpiles of all kinds of weapons. They are some of your biggest supporters, but they are also potentially the most dangerous. I mean, if something goes wrong, they might come gunning for you. (Sorry! I am only joking here!)
Now I am sure you want them to share in the prosperity with you. And you can appeal to their patriotism by urging them to buy Trump bonds. Like war bonds, but they're Trump bonds! Catchy, eh? Let them not only invest in their favorite US weapons systems, but let them collectively have a voice as to where these weapons can be used. I mean -- Iran or Berkeley, California -- what's the difference?
Better yet, if any of your policies tick them off enough and they start to rebel against you, you can activate the massive balloon payments on their debt -- which leads to my next policy to make America great again!
BRING BACK TRUMP UNIVERSITY!!
If gun nuts, negroes, or hippies rebel against your administration, no doubt you'll have to activate all those FEMA concentration camps that we've been hearing about for some time. But think about this -- who will you put in all those camps? LOSERS! That's right! You will have people who do not know how to be big, fat, rich successes like yourself. What better way of setting them all on the right path than by requiring the inmates to take daily classes on your proven methods of success? In no time (with enough indoctrination) you will put them on the right track. Once released, they will busy themselves with making bigger and bigger real estate deals, and you will be their model. And I am sure that you won't mind getting those additional fees from helping all those losers to become truly productive members of society. Lastly there's:
SEPARATE BUT EQUAL FOR ALL!!
We know that you're already trying to do this with healthcare. After all, women have special healthcare needs from men, and insurance companies have special needs to maximize their profits by charging women more for health insurance, bringing back exclusions for pre-existing conditions and other exciting things. But why stop there?
Think about the bankruptcy laws! You are certainly the expert on this. Think about how unfair all those one size fits all bankruptcy laws are for someone in your position. Why shouldn't women have their own special bankruptcy laws, too? It would be easy to change the law stating that when women go bankrupt, the first claims on all their assets should go to their male relatives.
And while we're at it, why shouldn't black, brown, yellow, and red people have their own bankruptcy laws as well? Here I would suggest changing the laws so that any racial minority going bankrupt should have rich white men (with your annual income and assets) as having first priority on any bankruptcy claims for them. And the best part about that is -- that those thresholds for your claims would be secret -- whatever you wanted them to be!
I'm sure that these policy changes are just what the doctor ordered. I have taken Kellyanne Conway's advice, and I have read your heart instead of the Constitution, which only has words in it. Please let me know if you need any more of my ideas to make America great again!
old new lefty
PS: i aM YoUr BiGgEsT fAn!!!!!!!!