i was asking for help with insomnia & may have found the answer. thanks to a serendipitous mix up between an herb store & and "herb" store...

the whole saga of an incompetent and possibly misogynist psychiatrist prescribing the wrong meds.. well, failing to prescribe the right meds. and the resulting months of the pain and suffering of insomnia and anxiety and bipolar depression. not so fun, is below....

but much more important is a lovely mix up that has led to the solution. well, it will be that once i get the dosage and the contraindications figured out. 

so i was desperate to get a handle on these extreme symptoms. my regular MD who is an angel on earth sent me to a naturopath at the clinic. she prescribed me a shitload of herbs to make in to tea and sent me to an herb store located, thankfully, just down a few roads from where i live. an especially wonderful turn of events considering that i am agoraphobic and yada yada yada...

now, i am not a conservative person by any means. way back in the day i experimented with quaaludes -- a major favorite -- and LSD and mescaline and well, you get the idea but that was kind of it. not so much in to the smoking stuff. and all these decades later not really up on the laws pertaining to those products.

the natural doctor had told me the street that the Herb place  was on but not the exact address. so i get to the general area and i see a store, on the right side of the minor hwy, with a giant leaf design on the window and i figure this is it. i let my trusty sweet sweet sweet senior service dog cocoa chanel out -- she is an adorable chi/min pin/dachshund mix that people immediately fall in love with but that is a whole other story.

we are out of the car and we head up the stairs. the door is locked and we have to be buzzed in but i am still not getting the idea. and there are canisters containing all kinds of what look like herbs... on shelves all along the several walls of the store.

the guy behind the counter asks for my ID and writes down the information, which seems odd to me. i am still not catching on. i know, i know. i'm blaming it all on the insomnia. that's my story...

he is very hip and kind of slick. not what i was expecting, which was someone more on the hippy dippy side but i tell him that i'm looking for some herbs and i pull out the list and he is kind enough to not laugh in my face.

he sweetly explains to me that they sell a different kind of Herb and i'm, well, color me red. as i said, i am not a fan of smoking so i ask him about edibles. mild edibles. i know that much. that you can eat pot in various forms. and i have a vague idea that things have gotten a quantum leap more sophisticated than what i knew way back then. so maybe there are kinds of marijuana that are specifically for anxiety or insomnia.

well, this guy of course sees that i am a complete novice and probably not ready to imbibe.. and he pulls out something that he tells me is called CBD. and that it is helpful for humans and also DOGS. well, i look down at my wonderpup... she is, as always, excited about anything i'm interested in. she's 14 but she is spry and happy to be Out the House.

okay, enough of this. i feel like shit and i apologize for this awful writing.

i buy the CBD and look across the street and there is the Herbarium!!! unfortunately it's on the other side of a kind of minor highway but still a highway so cocoa and i come close to getting hit by a car. i have got to get us some reflective clothing. she is very fashion conscious. and political. insists on being called a Canine American...

the herb shop is very hippy dippy. peter max would feel at home there. and the kinder gentler artists of the period. got my 5 herbs. cost 4 dollars. the CBD was 60. we'll see what is worth the investment.

what happened:

okay, so, i was taken off a bipolar med that had turned on me and was poisoning me, causing dizziness and numbness and falling down in parking lots... not as fun as it might sound.

unfortunately, that drug has a serious sedative effect which was extremely helpful. before that i was on something else that allowed me to sleep. before that i was clinically depressed and slept all the time.

so i have never had trouble sleeping and am sorely tempted to go back on the Dizzy stuff because i would rather fall down everywhere than feel the way i do now.

love love love and gratitude -- well, not, not so much with that right now.

teddy et al

answer to kosh's question about my doctor changing up my meds and whatever. pretty much a long novella:

my doctor is a ........ asshole. not going to use the words i want to use. he was the one who figured out that it was the seroquel that had turned on me. so that's great. said he was going to wean me off it. again, that's okay. i asked him if it wouldn't make sense for him to give me another bipolar med. since the seroquel was such a strong one. he said not. that the lamotrigine was fine by itself. and he told me i had to go off the lorazepam because he read that it's bad for geriatrics. well, i am agoraphobic which means that i have EXTREME anxiety. and i am not a drug addict -- i get regular urine tests since my clinic helps a lot of recovering people -- and i did not care about the old people shit. i joked at first. said i was really immature. he has no sense of humor. fucking ..... asshole.

cut the loraz way down. i went to get a refill of the very small dosage. he had canceled it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! never had anyone do that to me in many many decades. embarrassing in front of the pharmacy people i've gone to for 10 plus years.

and of course i should have gone to another meds doc --as we looney tunes call these people -- but i was really fucked up. was falling, getting lost, fuzzy thinking, hands were kind of like tremors. very bad. and i didn't know that they had another prescriber in that clinic. (good news. i finally thought to ask my wonderful non-asshole regular doctor and turns out there is someone else and she's hooking me up. ) meanwhile i lost months to, well, complete hell.

so for months i am so fucking depressed that i seriously could not get out of bed. well, barely. because that c---s------ asshole took me off a major med without giving me a replacement and took me off my anxiety med@!!!! with no replacement. i was just thinking that i should sue the motherfucker but he works at a clinic and has no money. and it's a bad thing to do. i sued my father for incest damages so i would not kill him and i was planning to go back to boston and killing him --and that did not turn out well.

so months go by and i keep calling and making appointments with the CS and with my therapist but of course i can't keep them. and i can't even take a freaking uber or whatever. because i can barely get out of bed. and i can NOT leave my apartment. this happens to me a lot, not being able to even get to the mailbox downstairs. yes, it is that bad. but that was the worst it's been in a long time.

and they tell me that they have a new outreach therapist who can come to me! and i'm so relieved and thrilled. but, of course, turns out that there is a line of people needing to see her and yada yada yada... i pointed out that they should not have gotten my hopes up and they agreed. these were the therapy people who are basically very good and kind. not like the c---s----- asshole.

and this whole time i cannot fucking sleep!!!! but i don't realize this at first because i was too depressed to realize anything. to put any of it together.

so i do finally make it in there, months and months later. and i see the CS again and ask him for another bipolar med and for something for anxiety and for fucking SLEEP. he won't put me on another bipolar med. i have no fucking idea why. because he's a cS, i guess. puts me on a depression drug that is supposed to treat the anxiety. of course it makes me more anxious. and the main side effect????????????????????????? WEIGHT GAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am old and no longer attractive but i am still vain. i'm a woman. he raised the amount of gabapentin, said that would help with the anxiety. this is not known for that.

and, again, i am not in my right mind at all so i go home and i have no sleep stuff or anxiety stuff and not enough bipolar support and i can't even get my mind around it now, now that i'm better. but still can't sleep. he obviously didnt' want to get sued because he took me off the lorazepam because of the old people thing. so why the flying fuck??? well, it all makes no sense. and he doesn't seem to get that i am extremely intelligent. which does me absolutely no good in my exceptionally downwardly mobile life. but, again, i was not in a right mind so i didn't put that together until recently, that he thought i was an idiot. probably a misogynist.

finally saw my good doctor. got myself to the appointment. thank god. and she put me on a sleep thing. related to benadryl. it didn't work which i knew it wouldn't because i'm immune to benadryl but she meant well. and she helped me with everything else. and she has a great sense of humor -- doesn't seem like this here but i am very very funny, especially when i am manic which i usually am when i see her and she lets me riff and rant and she laughs at all of it, genuinely and i love her so much.

i have a long fun story about herbs versus "herbs" which i will tell at some point. but long story short, i think i have a solution finally. i was given this stuff called CBD which i'm sure you all know about it. and i took it yesterday and i got really sleepy!!!! not high exactly but just kind of happy. i'm going to go back and see if i can get some very mild edibles because i learned from a friend that they are very specific now. that you can get pot for anxiety or for sleep or whatever. such great news!!! which to fuck i thought about this so much sooner. but i was never a pot person and i had barely registered that it was legal, even thought there is a pot store across from rite aid where i go all the time. -

fucking shit, i just wrote a fucking novella. i will put this in the body of the post too because i'm sure that others will wonder why i didn't go to someone else and i so would have if, well, i wasn't clinically depressed and out of my mind.

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Comment by moki ikom on January 6, 2019 at 2:41pm

Unfortunately none of us can prescribe ourselves LSD, psilocybin, peyote or something similarly natural to exercise our brains out of monotonously repetitive thinking patterns.  

Comment by Theodora L'Engle Knight on January 6, 2019 at 6:50pm

okay, doc and maui, that stuff obviously makes sense. but this feels kind of condescending. and

i have consumed caffeine in regular amounts and i have Not Exercised also -- terrible i know. i was always athletic and such until i moved up here to portland and my husband died and the weather and i morphed into a lazy piece of shit. the point being. and i have never ever ever ever ever --which i tried to make clear in my post -- had insomnia. sorry for being an asshole. it's just hard when you are in distress and pretty savvy and whatever. so this isn't a life style thing. this is a being irresponsibly taken off a major medication without being given things to make up for that one. this is bipolar and it can get really seriousll....

never mind. i'm grateful for the information. very.

the cbd is working. but i am going through this challenging mystery illness thang where i eat certain things that were never a problem for me. i overdosed on miralax. you are reading this right. long story for another time.

but i get numb all over. it travels up my body from my legs. mostly a joint thing. my knees ache and my arms get wobbly and i can't really use them. it's kind of scary. i ended up in the hospital once. and these are things that i have consumed before. obviously not the miralax. :)but other stuff. so this is something that came on suddenly. and it is probably related to the Dizzy Thing that was awful and scary and was the reason why i was taken off the bipolar med. good reason.

so of course, because life can just plain suck-- and, yes, i know that i should meditate and do yoga and shit and i do sometimes. never mind. anyway, the cbd is helping so much with sleep. but my hands have kind of seized up in to lovely claws and my legs aren't feeling great. but it is so worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and maybe some day i will get help in figuring out what the fuck is going on. my doctor said allergic reaction. and that seems kind of clear. but what and why and why now?

so, again, thank you so much for the advice. this is never happened to me before. the insomnia. and i was taken off my anxiety med -- and yes i know they are not healthy and can be addictive but i am more in danger of going in to despair because of the agorphobia and because i am not a substance addict. i am addicted to all the usual agoraphobic type things. tv, my computer, books, food, my animals and sloth. again, i have never been someone to sit on the couch all day. i have always lived places that were close to nature and could walk there and such. long story. lost my husband, lost my money, had to move in to subsidized senior heaven.

Comment by J.P. Hart on January 7, 2019 at 7:16am

{sic}'... not sure what you're saying JP....' Question mark.

Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours, that leaves 8 hours for OURING

Maybe take those old aphorisms off the shelf?

Keep writing,Theo!

Comment by Doc Vega on January 8, 2019 at 2:07am

I got to thinking further on this and since I am big on alternative treatments to prescription drugs and everyone's metabolism is different here goes. L Tryptophan a naturally occurring substance that encourages the brain to evoke endorphins, naturally occurring bodily generated pain killers that aid in sleep. You can take the supplement made of L-Tryptophan, but some have alleged contamination of some sources so there is a healthy alternative to the pure form which is just as good if not better and that is 2 to 3 ounces of turkey or chicken. A side benefit of this is the protein that induces human metabolism to fat dump because digesting the low fat protein content uses more calories than actually are derived from the chicken or turkey which do indeed aid sleep. So this is the best of both worlds low fat protein before bed time along with encouraging sleep inducement. Try this if nothing else. 

Comment by Theodora L'Engle Knight on January 11, 2019 at 5:08pm

thank you again, doc. everything you say has merit. what is going on behind all of this is that i am bipolar and i have been malpracticed on. probably not a word. i do not have adequate anti-depressant or bipolar meds. which have to be tweaked all the time. i was taken off the seroquel months ago for good reason -- it had turned on me, as i said before -- sorry for repeating myself so much -- and was basically poisoning me. but despite my asking if i would be at risk for being off of a major bipolar med, i was left without something that was a sedative and that was a huge support for me and should have been replaced by another one of that ilk.

i went in to a severe depression. could barely get out of bed. the worst in a long ass time. i won't detail how terrible my hygiene was and is. or how much laundry has piled up. but if you know about depression, well, it's not good...

so it has taken me a long ass time to realize that i was not sleeping. and to ask for help to find another meds doc. did not even occur to me to do that!!! which is not the Me of Me. i could not face going back to the asshole and not getting any help once again.

finally and only very recently, i went to my regular doctor and told her what was going on which i had not been able to articulate for so long due to clinical depression. she gave me something  for the insomnia. doesn't work but it made me feel so much better to have someone give a shit. and she pointed out that i could see another meds person in that department. of course it is taking forever because this is a clinic for people who are financially strapped and i am very lucky to be able to go there. and i am being treated by... never mind. this is so freaking boring.

the good news being that i am finally on the long path to getting to see another person. have to go through my therapist and yada yada yada... will be seeing her on tuesday. so there is finally hope...

oh shit, so getting back to the insomnia. i have a strong feeling that when i am back on decent meds, i will be able to sleep again. i'm not aware of being manic but that could very much be responsible for my not sleeping. but just getting away from that asshole who set this whole thing off, well, that makes a huge difference.

as it is, i am taking small amounts of the bipolar med that was poisoning me in order to sleep. not good. but i would rather be dizzy and close to falling down and such than be without sleep. and the part of the poisoning symptoms is a mental fogginess that is also kind of a high. so i feel better mentally while my body is off kilter. literally.

so i'm grateful for being on a path to getting some relief.

thank you so much for the many great suggestions. this is way beyond being helped my l-tryptophan. beyond anything holistic. don't know if you know any seriously bipolar people but this is a whole other level of dysfunction on every level.

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