omg my whole trig post disappeared

I can't retype it, and I can't recapture it.  I can tell you only, with no backstory and none of the journey bc I cannot do it again, HOW Trig was like my brother.

More like my brother than anyone else on this site or Open ever was.  I loved James, and I loved Scanner, and I won't ever get over either one of them being gone, but they were beloved friends, not brothers.

Because, like my real life brothers, Trig had the power to hurt me enough to just close the door.  But always, of course, realizing it will be reopened.

This morning was the time to let myself come to oursalon and let myself feel what I feel.  I have been pushing it away and pushing it away.  Still crying, but knowing that I was not letting it in, and I had to.

The other post took you on the whole journey with me but I guess the universe didn't want that.

As I eased into the idea of writing about Trig this morning, after steeling myself to open oursalon and feel what I am to feel and quit stalling, and then reading his post from OS, and reading the comments and looking at that format and all the people from before... Then reading a note from Kosher who had let me know on the 9th, but I didn't see it bc I don't come here anymore...

I still stalled, by seeing what was in my mailbox, which I had originally forgot we have and had to figure out how to get to it and had to figure out how to write a post, too.

And guess what was in my inbox?  A note from Trig.

And guess what the subject line was?

"you heifer"

And THAT is why he was more like my brother than anyone else has been who isn't my actual brother.

NOBODY else would write that to me.  And yet it was EXACTLY the perfect thing to write.  There's never a situation where that would NOT be the right subject line.

And I read the note and it just said come read and it said wee need you.  Which made me start bawling my eyes out.

I didn't see it then, of course.  Had I seen it, I'd have been back.

But we can talk about all that later.

Trig my brother,

not like you are Nana's brother where you are both there and where you talk, but like MY Brothers, who aren't there and we don't talk but I know they ARE there in a second if I need them and their needling has always made me laugh and that is why when I say to someone, "You're a jerk!" it is my absolute highest compliment (it really and truly is, no lie.  No better indicator that I'm fond of them and love whatever jerky thing they just said or did.).  You were a jerk, plenty...

My brother whose infractions stay with me and make me mad for far longer than is reasonable, but whose kindnesses also stay with me and make me smile or feel proud far longer than is reasonable..

{Detour - I stopped writing and let myself go read the post he linked in his note. This very second.  And it's about Valentine's day and his date with Jenny.  And now I am crying again.]

I will see you up there, Trig.  I'm sorry my good post got lost.   You guys watch over all of us, okay?

This post if not at all accurate to how I feel.  It is frivolous.  I am heartbroken, but don't write about feelings anymore and don't remember how to let it pour out honestly.  

I think he knows what I mean, I am almost sure he does, and I guess that's the important part.

Crying again.

Fucking fuck.  I guess I am going to have to call my real life brothers, aren't I?

Love everyone.

Views: 103

Comment by Foolish Monkey on July 22, 2017 at 10:29am

for someone who's forgotten how to write about emotion, you just slammed it out of the park!

I think you got this perfectly right - the brother thing.  I'm not saying I felt like he was my brother, but he definitely felt like family.  nana too - you just want to make soup and garlic bread and feed their asses.  

(you too, missy.)

family.

trig was rare - a man with a giant heart picture drawn by a little boy pinned to his chest, grinning out at you from where ever he was in his life.  even when shit was on - he was grinning past it.  he was a loving character; almost too good to be true and probably so, but I'm a believer and I'm gonna guess, like a hummingbird, he was all he seemed - a fast and flitting rare beauty of a human being.

and he could write.  and he was and is in what he wrote to you - 100% right janie.  we need you.  you are a friend and you touch hearts in your words in the most startling and honest and beautiful way.

you can kvetch like nobody's business.  and it never reads weird.  it reads real.

I'm glad to read you again.  I missed you.  

Comment by DaisyJane on July 22, 2017 at 11:02am

Ah you flatter me, but that's okay. I like flattery.  Maybe we will meet up somewhere for soup and garlic bread. Then too maybe we should plan a gathering, someplace cheap and since many of us are poor we will have too many people in one room and some of us sleep on cots and we get on each other's nerves and are too tired and we mostly eat meals we make ourselves, and sandwiches, so we can more easily afford it.  Let's think about that.  The company is the important thing, innit?

Comment by Foolish Monkey on July 22, 2017 at 2:06pm

{{{{{{{ janie }}}}}}}

Comment by koshersalaami on July 22, 2017 at 2:09pm

We need a kuchalein. A little old Catskills resort where everyone had their own bedrooms but bathrooms and the big kitchen with lots of stoves was communal. 

FM's right, it doesn't read frivolous at all. It reads like you miss someone funny. 

And Yes, You Are Going To Have To Call Your Real Life Brothers

Comment by DaisyJane on July 22, 2017 at 2:27pm

Kosher that is just what I want.  Someone needs to get a bungalow colony, and instead of renting out individual bungalows, rent out the whole colony for a week at a time.  That's a brilliant idea.

Comment by Rita Shibr on July 22, 2017 at 6:03pm

We always spoke of a campfire, Kim, Nana, Catch 22, and Inverted Interobang or the Captain,  on  TS like a big camp, meeting on an island and oh the conversation ......

Janie, I know you and Trig had the brother/sister type relationship going on and I am so sorry for your hurt and loss.  For some reason he never picked on me too much maybe because I seemed like a sad poet lol.  Anyway,  good to see you here that we can grieve together in a way.  I hope life has gotten kinder toward you and your boy.  

love and hugs, Rita. 

Comment by DaisyJane on July 23, 2017 at 6:35am

Rita, it is getting better, what parts I can control. There is no mental health care in this country to speak of though.  Till your wrist is bleeding, you're pretty much on your own.  Lots of good things tho, lots of good things.  Love and hugs to you.

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