As I begin this I try to find a short way of saying that I meet with my counselor every two weeks, so I look for the definition of biweekly. Whomever came up with that as a useful word must have been working on a dare to see who would fall for it. The definition for biweekly is every two weeks, or twice weekly. How are we supposed to be precise in our word usage when using this word leaves it necessary to further explain to the reader, or listener, which definition we're referencing?
As a segue before beginning, I wanted to let you know that two monarch caterpillars are feasting on my front yard milkweed plants! Almost all of them are blooming, a bumble bee has staked a claim to the flowers, and I found these two lovelies last night. I am thrilled beyond compare with this. I can't do much to save much of anything on this planet, but I am making a solid contribution to the continuation of the monarch butterflies, and it feels good! They are on separate plants and one is at the bottom while the other is at the top, so they won't fight for territory.
My counselor and I made plans to revisit the Cognitive Processing Therapy that I worked through with my previous counselor two years ago, and it seems to be a good decision. We started with my first stuck point, reworded it to be more accurate, and then proceeded to work me into a migraine. Migraines in counseling are a good sign because it means that we are digging into stuff that I don't want to dredge. Eventually, I am going to end up in Prolonged Exposure therapy, which I am not looking forward to, but I need it. She became very concerned today because I talked about what happened, even laughed in places, without breaking down as I describe horrific and painful events.
So here's my question for you, if you can help me. How do I break through this barrier to my emotions? This weekend is huge astrologically, the new moon conjuncts Pluto, opposes Mars and the Sun, and squares Jupiter. I need to keep working towards my future and learn how to let the past be past. Is going back to the CPT and making a commitment to this other therapy that step? I wish there was some way to know.
After counseling today, it struck me that my messy house is another of my protective mechanisms, a way to keep people out and away from me. Doing the re-post last night made me think, I was having all kinds of issues with my neighbors before I had the fence installed. Now I have no issues, and I don't talk to any of them anymore. Even the newly widowed neighbor across the street is no longer waving to me; she has some set ideas about the people here, she is a retired school teacher, and she didn't take it well when I told her that her former students have made a hobby out of ridiculing me. It seems she has a different perspective on them and didn't want to hear mine. Oh well, I tried.
So I have my weight as a way to keep people from being interested, my messy house to keep me from bringing anyone home, prickly neighbors and a fence to keep me from making new friends, and constrained emotions to not let people in. What else can I do to isolate myself?