Wiener Wednesday (because I missed Foodie Tuesday)

Today, children...  we will be discussing how to create an authentic Chicago style "Red Hot"!

Image result for chicago style red hot

First of all let me make it CRYSTAL clear that the ONLY authentic hot dog is the CHICAGO style one and everything else is a pale ass imitation.  Anyone who disagrees can go fuck off.

Okay... ready???

Image result for vienna hot dogs

The absolute most important thing is the hot dog itself.  When you bite into a Chicago style dog you feel a distinct "snap".  If it don't "snap" toss it because you got screwed.  The boiled to death crap you get from anyplace else (especially the utter shit they serve in New York City) is disgusting.  A REAL hot dog is steamed, never boiled.  PERIOD!  

Therefore, because I don't feel like wasting my time with dumbasses, the ONLY acceptable brand of hot dogs is Vienna Beef frankfurters.  Think differently? Go fuck off.  (and yes, Koshersalaami, they ARE kosher, but you can still go fuck off.)

poppy_hots_package

Next in importance is the bun.  "Red Hot" buns need to be fresh and have poppy seeds on them.  Anything else is not REALLY a "red hot" bun.  If you prefer sesame seeds on you buns, please go fuck off.

Next part II, is the "toppings".  You can go pretty wild here, but (unless you are a dumbass who needs to go fuck off) you will include either raw or lightly sauteed chopped Bermuda onions, bright green sweet pickle relish (I'm talk'in about the BRIGHT green glow in the dark shit here), a dill pickle spear (Puckered Pickle Company ones if you can find them, if not Claussen is okay), tomato slices and pickled sport peppers (if you don't know what a sport pepper is definitely go fuck off).  

If you really feel like letting your freak flag fly you can also add some chili, sauerkraut, coleslaw, etc. as long as you are adding it to the basic, REQUIRED toppings.

frenchs mustard yellow

Lastly and VERY importantly, are the condiments...  the ONLY acceptable condiments that should EVER be pull on a Chicago style Red Hot is yellow French's mustard and celery salt.  If you put Grey Poupon or some thing else "exotic" go fuck off.  It is YELLOW mustard ONLY.

Image result for ketchup on hot dogs

Which brings up ketchup...

People who put ketchup on hot dogs are simply perverted deviants who should be beaten to within an inch of their lives, cut a gazillion times, rolled in cayenne pepper then used as chum on a fishing boat after serving time in a Turkish prison.  THEN they can go fuck off.

*ahem*

When you are finished you should end up with something that looks like this.  Enjoy! 

Chicago-style hot dog 2.jpg

(If it doesn't look like this, then you are a moron who can't follow simple instructions and you need to...  )

Views: 833

Comment by nanatehay on April 6, 2017 at 12:34pm

Comment by nanatehay on April 6, 2017 at 12:57pm

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on April 6, 2017 at 1:07pm

Kansass City...  St. Louis...  Texass...  its all the same to me...  its the land of ketchup smeared over-cooked meat...

But what the hell...  I've got my own definition of "barbecue"...

Disaster Girl Meme | LOOKS LIKE BARBECUE SEASON HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN | image tagged in memes,disaster girl | made w/ Imgflip meme maker

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on April 6, 2017 at 1:10pm

Oh, and Wench-Boy?  I AM your cat...

No automatic alt text available.

Comment by nanatehay on April 6, 2017 at 2:11pm

Comment by nanatehay on April 6, 2017 at 2:34pm

Comment by nanatehay on April 6, 2017 at 2:46pm

Comment by lorianne on April 6, 2017 at 3:25pm

i love hot dogs, but never eat pork.

vienna beef dogs are the very best thing...ever! 

carry on with yer food fight.

Comment by Anna Herrington on April 6, 2017 at 4:59pm

Dear Barbarians ~ Ye Olde Vegan Curse Upon You....

(Oh, okay, I just made it up but it will catch on! Go viral! )

May your ankles sprout hooves,

your noses grow snout-ish,

your asses, curly tails,

 and may your bacon be cursed to come from

leathery old chihuahuas.

....and I don't know how to do all this fancy-schmancy image/curse combo, so, you know...

Fuck off.

(I just have to add a smiley face.

NO! No smiley faces!

A /xoxo ?

NO!

Have a nice day??

NO!!!!

...

A winky face?!

Oh ... fuck off.)

Comment by Phyllis on April 6, 2017 at 5:22pm

All of this over a hot dog? Without ketchup or spicy brown mustard? Sheesh.

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