I wrote the following post (heretofore only published in my head) on May 6, 2015.  I know it is WAY too long and really only fit for skimming.  I was going to try and cut it down a little (I DID remove a couple of "ands"), but I feel it is a nice representation of the kind of person I am...wordy, scattered, spastic, sweaty and hugely entertaining to myself.  So here you have it. 

After having re-read this just now, I'm a little worried that my post may seem fluffy for the dignified Our Salon crowd.  If that is the case, please show no mercy and simply give me the boot.  If you don't cut me off at the knees, I guarantee I will keep running and running with it.


So here we go.  I have made a goal to write for a half hour every day.  I actually started with the goal of an hour every day and that was yesterday.  I wrote for exactly zero minutes yesterday.  Therefore, I think my goal may have been too lofty, so I’m lowering it to a half hour.  And look at me go!  I have already started. 

I am going to begin with the story of my teacher intern program interview.   As is the case with many of my appointments, I was running late.  Time is elastic to me.  I always underestimate the amount of time a task may take me.  I was going to stop at the post office to mail my daughter’s graduation invitations and thought that would be a quick stop.  That turned into hand-stamping 46 envelopes at the postal counter.  Not an easy task, pealing all those little stamps off a sheet and sticking them on, particularly when you are a little jittery from your medication for ADD.  But that’s a story for another day.

So, I leave the post office with 25 minutes to get to my interview.  No way in hell.  I had to make the call of shame to let them know I would be late.  She was friendly and seemed okay, yet I was still very nervous and stressed and jittery.  And almost out of gas.  I sped to Iowa City and about halfway there, my last bar was gone.  Running on fumes.   There was no time to stop for gas or I would be even later.  I was the final interview of the day, so I knew they would want to get home.  I decided praying was my best option. 

I made it.  Parked my car in the parking ramp near the College of Education and tried to compose myself as I walked across the street to the building.  I didn’t want to be that crazy hot mess that rushes in all flustered apologizing up and down.  Nope.  Not me.  Not me at all.  Well…totally me.  But, I acted calm and collected and gave a very personable and professional thank you for waiting for me.  I apologize for being late. 

The professor that was assigned the “greeter” position gave me a warm welcome and assured me that this would not be like a typical job interview.  It was an opportunity for three professionals from the state universities to have a conversation with me to determine if they think I would be a good candidate for the alternative teacher licensure program.  I would have an opportunity to ask questions.  “Please just be yourself,” she said, “we want to get to know you.”  Okay.  You asked for it.  I decided to be myself.

All in all, I feel I did a nice job answering questions honestly and professionally.  I later looked over the star teacher interview format they were using, which the interviewees knew about ahead of time.  I realized AFTER THE FACT, that I had answered almost all questions ON POINT.  Yay me!  About three fourths of the way into the interview, one of the interviewers gave me the following scenario, “Let’s say I’m a student in your class and we have spent a lot of time on a class community service project and we are excited about it.  The principal tells us we can’t do it.  How should I, as a student, act when I see the principal in the hallway?  Should I turn my head away from him?”  I looked at my interviewer and gave a shoulder-shrugging, both palms up, isn’t-it-obvious look and said, “Duh…you flip him the bird!”

Bear in mind this is a nice, professional, well-mannered, middle-aged group.  But, while they didn’t guffaw at my terrible joke (although I thought it was completely HILARIOUS), I think they, too, thought it was hilarious.  I kind of half-heartedly apologized and said, “I’ll bet you haven’t heard THAT today.” They chuckled quietly and said, “No, we haven’t.”  Back on task.

I left the interview feeling very pleased and amused with myself.  Just having had the experience was great.  I am really okay if they don’t think I will be a good fit for the program.  Something better happened to me in that interview.  One of the interviewers asked me, “So, Lisa, how many books have you written?”  I looked at him and said, “Zero.” He told me that I should keep that in the back of mind.  I should write a book.  I’m not really sure why he said that, but I feel he saw something in me.  He thought I had something to say.  So, I’m saying it. 

[After the interview, during the polite handshaking phase, this same distinguished gentleman professor asked me, “So what would the 20-year-old Lisa say to the Lisa of today?”  My pithy response was, “She would tell me I should have written a book by now.”]

I will leave you with the image of my glorious exit from my fabulous interview.  Remember the parking ramp?  Remember how flustered and medication-jittered I was?  I was chuckling to myself at my clever sense of humor as I walked into the ramp.  I walked to where I thought my car was parked.  No car. I walked up the ramp.  I walked down the ramp.  Those damn ramps are so fucking confusing.  They go up, but not really.  There are ups and downs and in-betweens.  After about nine minutes, I called my daughter in a panic.  “I can’t find my car!”  She said it has to be there.  Try pushing your key button to make it honk.  So I did.  I could hear it honk!  As soon as I walked toward where I thought it was honking, I couldn’t hear it anymore.  Walk, walk, walk, walk.  Push, push, honk, honk.  Please don’t let any of my interviewers be parked in this ramp.  Please don’t let them see me walking and walking and sweating. And honking.  Horrible.

NINETEEN MINUTES!!!  I timed my fiasco because that’s just something I do.  I enjoy quantifying and categorizing occurrences.  Sometimes if I have an annoying spin instructor who talks too much, I will start to keep track of the number of seconds she can keep quiet.  When she talks again, I restart the timer.  Usually she can only make it about eight seconds before talking again.  Anyway, if you think nineteen minutes isn’t that long, try walking up and down a parking ramp for nineteen minutes in your dress clothes when it’s warm out.  And when you are now going to be late to your spin class because of losing your car in a parking ramp.  Let’s hope they decide I would be a good candidate to eventually teach your children in the public school system.  

Views: 534

Comment by JMac1949 Today on March 20, 2017 at 7:20am

Welcome.  I've been losing my car in parking structures for over twenty years.  Longest search effort was on the order of twenty minutes.  Although I have only a high school degree circa 1967, I have no doubt I could teach Art, English, History, Biology, General Science, Political Science or Geography. I'm a bit rusty on Chemistry, Physics and Geology and Algebra, Engineering and other subjects that require higher level mathematics would require refresher coursework.  Hope you got the gig and look forward to reading more.

Comment by Rodney Roe on March 20, 2017 at 7:21am

Lisa, I really enjoyed reading this.  The car search story could have ended much worse.  The car could have been stolen and used in a hold-up, or as happened with me once (also absent minded and probably and adult with ADD) you could have left the car out of gear with emergency brake off and found your car across the parking lot, gently resting against the side of a building.  Did you get the position?

Comment by Rodney Roe on March 20, 2017 at 7:55am

I have one friend here-from another life-who only posts to herself. She apparently keeps a diary and is compiling a family story. There are all sorts of options. I like the conversation.

Comment by JMac1949 Today on March 20, 2017 at 8:06am

BTW: I'm only thirty or forty pages short of finishing the first draft of a novel,  People of the Book, which I wrote on line here on Our Salon.  I began posting in March of 2013 Some Background is Necessary, and most of the rest of the book is scattered across my posts from March 2013 through Sept 2014  when I ran into some writers' block.  I expect to finish the damn thing over the next few months. 

I collaborated with another Our Salon writer James Mark Emmerling on the text for what we wanted to become a graphic novel, Heaven and Hell, Burroughs and Blake.  James chose to end his life in January 2016 and that left me to write the end of our novel: The Last Episode of Heaven and Hell, Burroughs and Blake: In Memori....  You can read the whole story by following the links.

Hope you find your path to expression here on Our Salon.

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on March 20, 2017 at 9:13am

...for the dignified Our Salon crowd. 

BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!   Now pass the bong...  that must be some seriously good shit you're smoking!

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on March 20, 2017 at 9:15am

P.S.  Welcome aboard.  ::she says as she wipes her nose on her sleeve in a very "dignified" fashion::

Comment by Jonathan Wolfman on March 20, 2017 at 9:23am

welcome; yes

Comment by nanatehay on March 20, 2017 at 10:31am

We need new people here, new perspectives, pretty much new everything, so welcome aboard, Lisa. You'll need to watch Amy, though - she puts mayonnaise on tacos, a condition which, if left untreated, can potentially lead to interpretive dance and free-lance meteorology. 

Comment by Lisa Winkie on March 20, 2017 at 10:34am

Thank you for the warm welcome, friends.  I feel like a giddy school girl checking every ten minutes for "likes" and new followers on Snapchat.

Totally gross on that mayo lime jello thing.  I ACTUALLY do remember something made with those ingredients. Throw in some shredded carrots and you've got yourself a real culinary delight.  Oh, no.  Wait.  That's orange jello.

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on March 20, 2017 at 11:42am

Did you see how vile those to anti-mayo-ites were, Lisa?  Did you???

All I did was post a simple recipe for Irish Tacos.  In the recipe it called for mixing a delicious aioli sauce with nice, wholesome sour cream and using it to season the tacos.  What is the harm in that?

I mean, what kind of low life, scum sucking, gutter dwelling, skank (who I hope ending up rotting in a pool of their own defecation as wild, rabid dogs rip pieces of their still living flesh from their bones) dislikes aioli sauce ? (which in their demented hateful minds might SLIGHTLY resemble Italian mayonnaise, but IT'S NOT!) 

You don't seem to be one of ^^ "THOSE" ^^ people, so surely you don't think that way?  

Please don't let Foolish "scum sucking skank" Monkey or Nana- "low life gutter dweller" -tehay poison your mind against me because, as you can tell from this comment, I really am a sweet, nice, kind, sensitive, caring person who is kind to kittens, puppies and small children.


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