It's more than the cognitive disconnect that allowed me to think cancer wasn't "in the family" when I recall that at least two of my father's mother's sisters had breast and "abdominal" tumors. My memories of them are glazed with concealed apathy. I had long learned to humor these old folks that I barely knew by listening with feigned interest, returning home exhausted from the effort.
The younger sister, Dessa, relished the attention and would lift her shirt to show my twelve year…Continue
I was told I would know by today. But the phone call yesterday saying that I needed to visit my doctor to discuss the biopsy results told me everything I already knew.
All the reassurances that it was benign, that this lump was common, just didn't sound right to me. Of course, this is a classic example of confirmation bias; if it were benign, than I was just nervous and would now be suddenly, completely relieved.
The only women in my family that discussed lumps were…Continue
Let’s see how much of this I can type up before the lidocaine wears off…
I am home from my biopsy of the rambunctious little lump that has upended my new year. I have purchased Tylenol Extra Strength and ZzzQuil—the sleep aid from Nyquil without the cough medicine.
Why the fuss, right? One needle stab, sure there will be “tenderness” and “possible bruising”. “High strain” activities should be avoided, my instruction sheet says. Ha! I laugh at you. I wonder if I have any expired…Continue
In our previous installment, our heroine was reminiscing over the last three years’ accomplishments in her life—three years which seem to completely overshadow the previous twenty-eight. While she carries the knowledge and reality of a hardened mass, an interloper, among otherwise fluid and swishy breast tissue, she presses onward. In all honesty: she is scared shitless.
Now we continue with the ongoing saga: Alone in a Boggy Marsh.
I made a joke recently about how “the lucky number 13” was bound to spawn some kind of superstitious crap this year. Last year it was the Mayans; 2011 was the non-Rapture—twice—remember that?
For 2010, I’m not sure about the doomsday theories, but that year was my slow climb out of hell. August was my first breath of freedom, but planning and final dispatch of the then-husband was a year’s long ordeal. I would have been confused and disoriented without an incessantly needy spouse to…Continue
At the stroke of midnight, if it was unsold at the fireworks warehouse, it went into the sky. This warehouse was three suburban blocks from my friend's home. The flaming kaleidoscope was close enough that the ash would rain down upon us as we stood in the street, sharing the experience with every human being in a two mile radius.…Continue
Mary of Nazareth was found to be pregnant before she was wed. She was set to die, a sentence determined by the men in charge of her life. Men who would have carried out this charge in the name of honor—in other words: “Traditional Family Values.”
(Traditional Family Values have nothing to do with Christianity; they would not have given Mary Magdalene the sense of self-worth to banish her demons; they would have not spared the unborn life of Christ.)
Added by Jewellya on December 24, 2012 at 2:55pm — No Comments
The box arrived Thursday night; I knew not to open it. Even though the next day dear daughter would be picked up by her dad and not return until New Year's, I figure waiting that long for more presents she didn't know existed would be a small price to pay for my mental sanity.
I was still psyching myself up to run in a marathon, even though my attempted 20 mile training run over Thanksgiving was shot all to hell: I had stopped and came home shortly after 13 miles, at the start of my…Continue
Of the parents who have lost a child:
God will be found in their ability to love their remaining family each day as if today is their last. Not with fear of tomorrow, but with appreciation of today.
God will be found when the father or mother looks into the mirror and sees him or herself as if for the first time. “Who is this person?” they ask.
God will be found when the small things in life finally seem small.
God will be found as death brings new life to old…Continue
I have a habit of waking to a song already in my head. In many cases, the lyrics perfectly match the resolution to some inner quarrel I must have been pondering while I slept.
Friday morning it was "Seven Spanish Angels." I heard it on the radio just this week, so it did not strike me as odd. Just one of those songs I love best in small doses. Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson hold the pain and grief in their voices so you feel the piercing of your heart. We have all loved someone we…Continue
Today the scale said 200lbs after a couple weeks of upward creep. Decisions about the holidays and my kid, a plethora of office sweets, and fewer hours of sunlight have made me feel less than stellar while I watch time’s unceasing march toward December 22nd, when I will truly challenge myself to do something I do not yet know I can do. There is a marathon to be run. I discovered the other day that there are members of the military on the wait-list hoping for a spot to free up. I…Continue
Occasionally you find a moment in Life when you realize that it is ok to want, it is ok to ask, and it is ok to fight for your desires.
Sometimes the answer from Life is yes, and it scares the shit out of you.
But sometimes the answer is "Maybe, but not right now, you might have to wait a while, and I won't tell you how long."
Patience then, ages the wine you dare not taste too soon.
Yesterday, the reality that I am the subject of men’s gossip (what's the term?) had become readily apparent. As I passed a gentleman of a solid professional demeanor with a moderately roughneck exterior, he commented on my freshly prepared lunch.
“You sure do make the prettiest salads.” His words sounded as a cross between a love-struck schoolboy and something altogether feminine--men do not typically use the word 'pretty' to describe many—if any—things. And something about the nuance…Continue
While I'm still debating if this is blog -worthy, I am sitting at home alone on Thanksgiving, so I might as well do something with it.
My mother and I have a tenuous relationship at best. I haven't actually spoken to her for over a year. She recently interjected herself into my life with a package containing presents for my daughter's 4th birthday. But that wasn't all that was in the box:
- A handful of random purse-sized hand-sanitizer from Bath and Body Works. two…Continue
I've been having a back-and-forth with an old friend and class salutatorian by way of the illustrious Facebook. He is the born-again evangelical type who attended Oral Roberts University then quickly spiraled into drugs and alcohol. He is 31, single and doesn't want to be, overweight and fighting it, and with a degree in marketing, tries to sell insurance over the phone. I worry about him. Of the four of us friends, the top four students of our class, he is the only one who is visably,…Continue
I don’t want to spank my kid, so I don’t. And I think that is where I have missed something in this adventure in parenting.
In the archaic scheme of things, I would be living reasonably close to my mother, who would have had an overbearing influence on my childrearing. I would not seek to be the mother I wished to be, but the mother she expected me to be. I would do as I was told, therefore continue to follow the simple…Continue
Added by Jewellya on November 11, 2012 at 5:30pm — No Comments
He has to answer for the 400 million dollars very publicly wasted on a campaign that failed to deliver. Stock brokers have off'd themselves over less.
Or perhaps he really is a sicko-sociopath and could care less, but his recent ramblings to say that Democrats are guilty of voter suppression (!?!) suggest he is in a tailspin.
What will be the headline of his demise? Within what timeframe?
To see something within two weeks of the re-inauguration would be…Continue
Added by Jewellya on November 9, 2012 at 5:30pm — No Comments
Did you know dolphins discipline their young? And not just the mother. If a youngster is out of line, any of the older dolphins will rake their teeth across his body or give him a good smack with a tail.
Dolphins are like humans in other ways, we know. They are sociable and intelligent, even without domestication and training. Wild pods have been known to protect lost swimmers from sharks. It is believed they circle and protect their young in much the same way.
A dolphin alone…Continue
Added by Jewellya on October 28, 2012 at 5:30pm — No Comments
We never really got along, Facebook and I. Sure, my voyeuristic tendencies would enjoy the sampling of other people’s drama, provided they weren’t too melodramatic or annoying about it by dragging negative energies on for weeks. Provided, too, that they weren’t incessant in their commentary on my drama, making too much out of nothing, further annoying me by not adhering to the strict standards I neglected to tell them about. Via “un-friending” and…Continue
Added by Jewellya on October 19, 2012 at 5:30pm — No Comments
Imagine for a moment that you are a Gazelle born at the San Diego Zoo. Being the San Diego Zoo, you have bountiful space to run and frolic and you never pay much thought to the weird pink and brown creatures who come to look at you. Your world is vast and all you could ever want or need is provided for you.…Continue
Added by Jewellya on October 18, 2012 at 5:30pm — No Comments