Jewellya's Blog – January 2013 Archive (11)

Wants and Desires, Preferences and Priorities

I’m sitting here, thoroughly exhausted, trying to burn the hour between when I put my daughter to bed and when I get her back up to potty—without falling asleep myself. I will then take a dose of Tylenol PM or, no matter how exhausted I think I am, I will not fall asleep until 1 or 2 AM.  

Today I met with the fertility specialist to discuss my “options”. He had called me yesterday after meeting with my oncologist and various other specialists during the conference held each Tuesday…

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Added by Jewellya on January 30, 2013 at 10:00pm — 10 Comments

Hair cut!

Went to a stylist today for the first time in YEARS. Whacked about six inches to a foot of hair off and dyed in purple highlights. Straightened it too so it will only look like this until I wash it. That'll be fun to see.

Letting yall know I'm changing my avatar.…

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Added by Jewellya on January 27, 2013 at 1:00pm — 10 Comments

I have the veins of a three year old

I went for the MRI on Thursday--loud noisy thing. It was relatively uneventful and kind of relaxing, or maybe I was just tired. I was lying face down on a inclined ramp with The Girls suspended within the framework. I was pretty amused that I needed to adorn each nipple with a medically necessary pasty with a little ball on it. For my comfort, I was fully draped in a robe and a blanket, so at least I didn’t feel exposed.

And it was relaxing, that is, until my arms, resting on…

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Added by Jewellya on January 26, 2013 at 10:00pm — 12 Comments

You know that cartoon...where the oasis is just a MIRAGE?

Wow. Hollywood needs to tap into this kind of emotional rollercoaster. Apatow wouldn't know what to do with it, but I think Tarantino could come up with something. He knows how to fuck with people.

Oncologist went through the pathology report and the new pathology results from the various stain tests.

Depending on which scan they’re reading results from, the tumor is either just under or just over 2cm long. 2 centimeters is also the cutoff for Stage 1 or Stage 2. So apparently…

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Added by Jewellya on January 23, 2013 at 7:00pm — 4 Comments

Medical Update--Scans, Good News:

Mammogram in general did not hurt as expected. That is, until a "spot" was required for the mass itself. a smaller plate and a tighter squeeze meant i might notice some bruising in a day or two. Ouch.

Ultrasound concluded that my lymphnodes are clear. Big Yay!

A re-scan of the mass confirmed that it is about twice the size originally thought, which is why the biopsy was troublesome--Doc was pressing on one end, not knowing it was attached, which would move the other end further…

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Added by Jewellya on January 22, 2013 at 8:00pm — 5 Comments

Watching time be cast aside

It's more than the cognitive disconnect that allowed me to think cancer wasn't "in the family" when I recall that at least two of my father's mother's sisters had breast and "abdominal" tumors. My memories of them are glazed with concealed apathy. I had long learned to humor these old folks that I barely knew by listening with feigned interest, returning home exhausted from the effort.

The younger sister, Dessa, relished the attention and would lift her shirt to show my twelve year…

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Added by Jewellya on January 21, 2013 at 8:40pm — 3 Comments

Invasive Ductal Carcinoma

I was told I would know by today. But the phone call yesterday saying that I needed to visit my doctor to discuss the biopsy results told me everything I already knew.

All the reassurances that it was benign, that this lump was common, just didn't sound right to me. Of course, this is a classic example of confirmation bias; if it were benign, than I was just nervous and would now be suddenly, completely relieved.

 

The only women in my family that discussed lumps were…

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Added by Jewellya on January 18, 2013 at 10:28am — 9 Comments

The Doctor did Bad Things to me

Let’s see how much of this I can type up before the lidocaine wears off…

I am home from my biopsy of the rambunctious little lump that has upended my new year. I have purchased Tylenol Extra Strength and ZzzQuil—the sleep aid from Nyquil without the cough medicine.

Why the fuss, right? One needle stab, sure there will be “tenderness” and “possible bruising”. “High strain” activities should be avoided, my instruction sheet says. Ha! I laugh at you. I wonder if I have any expired…

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Added by Jewellya on January 15, 2013 at 3:00pm — 9 Comments

Hello Deductible, Pleased to Meet You.

In our previous installment, our heroine was reminiscing over the last three years’ accomplishments in her life—three years which seem to completely overshadow the previous twenty-eight. While she carries the knowledge and reality of a hardened mass, an interloper, among otherwise fluid and swishy breast tissue, she presses onward. In all honesty: she is scared shitless.

Now we continue with the ongoing saga: Alone in a Boggy Marsh.

 

Coworkers…

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Added by Jewellya on January 9, 2013 at 10:00pm — 3 Comments

Keep Your Silly Superstitions. Your fears. Your insecurities...And I'll keep mine.

I made a joke recently about how “the lucky number 13” was bound to spawn some kind of superstitious crap this year. Last year it was the Mayans; 2011 was the non-Rapture—twice—remember that?

For 2010, I’m not sure about the doomsday theories, but that year was my slow climb out of hell.  August was my first breath of freedom, but planning and final dispatch of the then-husband was a year’s long ordeal. I would have been confused and disoriented without an incessantly needy spouse to…

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Added by Jewellya on January 5, 2013 at 8:30pm — 2 Comments

2013: Watch the party come to a screeching halt

At the stroke of midnight, if it was unsold at the fireworks warehouse, it went into the sky. This warehouse was three suburban blocks from my friend's home. The flaming kaleidoscope was close enough that the ash would rain down upon us as we stood in the street, sharing the experience with every human being in a two mile radius.…

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Added by Jewellya on January 2, 2013 at 9:00pm — 5 Comments

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