I woke up at 830 tonight from one of those "I am about to die" dreams. I had fallen asleep around 600 after a day I took off work to put my apartment together. My dear friend from college was coming to visit for the weekend but she had to cancel at the last minute.
In the dream I was in a concourse or a food court area. I had been moving around from place to place as I was waiting for something to happen. There weren't many people in this space. Finally, I settled in to a…Continue
So I went on a date last night for the first time since my divorce. I separated in August of 2010 from a guy I had known since childhood. In college, I may have gone on two actual getting-to-know-you dates, which apparently aren't memorable enough for me to get a firm count.
I met "Charles" at a Winter Solstice party held by the Houston Atheist's Association. So, basically, we met at a bar. He's a former Jehovah's Witness who had a great many intelligent things to say about why…Continue
It's my Dad's hair, my Uncle's hair and my PawPaw's hair.
No, I'm not related to Lyle Lovett...that I know of.
Yes it had always been curly, but not that curly.
I like it because it's different, I hate it because I have to gel it into submission every morning.
I am no longer in the fishbowl.
The fishbowl being my term for life as a cancer patient. An invisible thing, but a barrier separating you from those who are not experiencing anything close to what you are experiencing. It even has a distorting effect on how you see the world much like a fishbowl would.
Patients themselves seem to be aware that we are not one lump of generalized experience; we each have our own fishbowls, and we ask about each others' experiences knowing they…Continue
The intensity plus duration of elation--pure happiness--stayed with me throughout work yesterday.
I told one of the first coworkers I saw that morning, "Today's my last day of treatment."
She was elated for me. "Congratulations!" She understood where I was in that moment. Her mother went through cancer.
I posted it on Facebook. (14…Continue
Tomorrow I begin week 5 out of 6 weeks of radiation therapy. This is the last week of the "full range" radiation, then next week, it's just a "boost"--where the beam is less penetrating and supposedly less damaging. I'm not sure why they call it a "boost", you would expect something called "boost" would be more intense, not less.
Maybe it is more intense. These doctors have a habit of playing up the best qualities of a therapy like it's no big deal--even fun. Like the fact…Continue
I think the fact that there was a medical student in the room altered the outcome of my last appointment. The Physician's Assistant, who I had initially pegged as "more authoritative" than the nutty-nerdy Rad-Onc-Doc, was apparently very keen on being my authority figure before I met with my actual Doctor.
"So..are you eating a high-protein diet?" she asks in near sing-song, with that grating lilt which makes a question more than a…Continue
For those who participate in various fasts for spiritual/religious purposes, one of the primary explanations I've been told is that fasting is a means to simulate what life is like for those who have very little, therefore gaining the participant an appreciation for their own blessings.
If that's your reason, then find another one cause it's a load of sanctimonious crap: the burden that comes with living on very little is not that you have very little, but you have No Choice in the…Continue
My boobs ache. And not in the fun way. Is there a fun way for boobs to ache? I don't remember, it's been too long.
Sutures came out yesterday and I'm finishing up the healing process. Dr. Cutie wasn't concerned about some mild discoloration on my left breast or when I showed him that the incision came apart a little at the bottom. It looked like a little piece of chicken fat was hanging out of my skin...except that it was my fat. Freakish, right? I put some gauze over it…Continue
They're called drains. Apparently when a large portion of flesh is removed from your body, your body creates a lot of that yellow-clear fluid to aid in the healing process. Now factor in fluid dynamics of breast tissue and huge incisions and the prospect for a rupture runs high. The drains help siphon off the fluid to alleviate internal pressure on the incisions. I appreciate what they're there for, they're just annoying as hell.
The ladies I've talked to who've had implants didn't…Continue
Recap of the Last four weeks:
8/8: Last Chemo.
Following week: Recovery from Last Chemo.
8/16: Weekend in Austin to celebrate Last Chemo. (it feels like so long ago, now. and that's a Good Thing)
Following week: Prep for Back-to-school. Wed: Meet the Teacher. Not quite nailed down whether Josie is in the Morning or Afternoon class.
Thurs: making lots phone calls to the school trying to get things sorted--with everyone in meetings.
Somewhere in the middle of chemo I've still had energy enough to be pissed at the Texas Legislature. Other's have made many relevant and worthwhile arguments of exasperation. My thought on the War on Women:
- I wonder if the Republican previous huffing and puffing over "Sharia Law" that Obama's secret Muslim acquaintances were supposed to inflict upon us was some kind of societal prep work, because they knew they sounded completely ridiculous. But ah-hah! when the Repubs promptly…Continue
Haven't posted in a while. Have little bits of everything going on.
1. Had third of four rounds of NoFun. Just got over the "bad week" and looking forward to two good weeks ahead before I sit in The Chair for the last time. I'm getting a bit antsy, waiting for this to be over with. Like you just driven clear across Texas, reached the city of your destination, and are now stuck in traffic. Which brings me to...
2. I'm all over the place at work. I don't talk about what…Continue
Plugged in, getting round 2 of 4 of NoFun Chemo. There are five little bags hanging on the IV stand and that's just the prep-meds. a little steroid here and there, a little Zofran to quiet the tummy, maybe Pepcid, too. and some saline to keep things moving..
When I came in for my Doc visit on Tuesday, my blood count came back "a little low". they wanted me at 1.5 of whatever, and I was at 0.6. When given the option of waiting an extra week, thus extending my three-week intervals to 4…Continue
And you haven't seen him in scrubs...
Well, since I lifted this pic from his website, I should probably clarify that Dr. Gordley is completely professional in his manner and competant in his knowledge. It just requires a bit of a mental check that this Grecian God went to medical school and was personally recommended by my…Continue
I had been lulled into complacency. I am halfway done; my fingernails and toenails are toast. I am accustomed to the neuropathy and learned to work around it.
OK, I have to look forward to one really bad weekend out of three, for twelve weeks. Meh, no big deal, I'd say, referring to my pregnancy and 30 weeks of horrendous "morning sickness" morning, noon, and night. Zofran would reduce the occurrence from every-two-hours-like-clockwork to maybe twice a day. Chemo? Piece of…Continue
My last cancer-related post focused on my perception of myself measured against my perception of others and my perception of others measured against my perception of others’ perception of me.
Yeah, you gotta untangle that one, but you know I’m right.
I’ve been quiet here lately, some due to chemo-brain where I can’t hold an organized thought pattern long enough to…Continue
There are some given “truths” of our lives near-universally taken for granted; “God exists” is, of course, one which has survived though the ages. When such a statement is held as a high truth, we then can only see the facts of the world as measured against that truth. If the fact validates and solidifies this statement, then the fact is upheld as fact. If the fact stands in contradiction to this statement , a workaround of some kind must be enacted that the fact can still be held as fact…Continue
An excerpt from an email to Jo's dad. Because we all want the best for our daughter, but no one really knows what that is. In order for me to effectively argue the point to my boss that ABA therapy must be added to our insurance, so at least the question can be asked of the Board, I first had to get my head on straight about the therapy itself.
My mental-block to this process was the need to put aside my own frustrations that our society has no…Continue
Before this New Year's Day (when I found a lump), the greatest worry of my life was my daughter’s well-being. This worry consumed the entirety of last year, when, in January, I enrolled Jo in a Montessori pre-school which turned around and said they couldn’t handle her. At three, she wasn’t self-sufficient enough, she didn’t participate in activities. Jo was so frustrated with the situation she was hitting the other kids.
If I had gone with my gut instead of my ego, I would have…Continue