Johnny Robish's Blog – October 2016 Archive (31)

Seahawks Safety Earl Thomas Penalized for Hugging Ref

Seahawks Safety Earl Thomas Penalized for Hugging Ref:  Seattle Seahawks safety Earl Thomas was so overcome with emotion after recovering a New Orleans fumble and returning it in for a touchdown that he gave the nearby ref a really big hug, then was immediately penalized for “touching a referee.”  There’s absolutely no excuse for this.  A professional like Thomas should know this is tackle, not touch football.…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 31, 2016 at 9:21pm — No Comments

Redheaded Donors Turned Away at Danish Sperm Bank

Redheaded Donors Turned Away at Danish Sperm Bank:  According to its director, Denmark's Cryosurgery International Sperm Bank - the world's largest - is turning away redheaded donors because ''there are too many redheaded donors in relation to demand.”  Not to be deterred, Denmark’s redheads vow to keep masturbating on. …

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 30, 2016 at 8:30pm — 4 Comments

Former Congressman Walsh Promises to Grab Musket if Hillary Elected

Former Congressman Walsh Promises to Grab Musket if Hillary Elected:  Former Illinois congressman and right-wing talk show host Joe Walsh found himself forced to explain what he meant after tweeting “If Trump loses on November 9th, I’ll be grabbing my musket.”  Wow, if he follows through, it will be forever known as the “shot heard round the trailer park.”  That said, I suspect that election time isn’t the only time Walsh finds himself “grabbing his…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 29, 2016 at 9:51pm — 8 Comments

Dylan Decides to Accept the Nobel Prize

Dylan Decides to Accept the Nobel Prize:  After a long silence on the matter, singer-songwriter Bob Dylan has finally told the Swedish Academy that he will accept the Nobel Prize in Literature.  Perhaps he just needed a little time to think it over.  Now if I were advising him, I would have told him “don’t think twice, it’s alright.”…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 28, 2016 at 9:23pm — 2 Comments

Two thirds of World’s Vertebrate Wildlife Will Be Lost by 2020

Two thirds of World’s Vertebrate Wildlife Will Be Lost by 2020:  A new report from the World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF) predicts that by the end of the decade, 67% of all vertebrate wildlife will be lost.  Perhaps, but it just seems impossible that so many could be lost when apps like Google Maps and Waze are everywhere.…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 27, 2016 at 9:37pm — 3 Comments

Catholic Church Announces New Guidelines on Cremation

Catholic Church Announces New Guidelines on Cremation:  The Vatican has just issued a new decree with the intent to discourage Catholics from choosing cremation over burial, pointing out that burial prevents us from forgetting our loved one.  Because the best way to remember someone is to dig a deep hole in the ground, throw them into it, and then cover them up with dirt.…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 26, 2016 at 9:39pm — 7 Comments

Study Suggests Taking Selfies May Make You Happier

Study Suggests Taking Selfies May Make You Happier:  Taking photos of one’s self (selfies) is often thought to be narcissistic, addictive and unhealthy, but a new study suggests they may actually help improve one’s mood and outlook.  Personally, I have no desire to take selfies, but then again, I may be suffering from low selfie esteem.  That said, I boost my mood and outlook through feeling superior to those who do take selfies.…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 25, 2016 at 9:45pm — 2 Comments

Man Dressed as Pine Tree Arrested for Blocking Traffic

Man Dressed as Pine Tree Arrested for Blocking Traffic:  Police say in Portland, Maine say they’ve arrested a man dressed as a pine tree for standing in the street and obstructing traffic in a busy downtown intersection.  Angry traffic cops say if this was a pine, it was “naughty” pine.  You can bet he’s really gonna get needled by friends about this.  Authorities initially questioned all his friends to see if any were accomplices, but they told police…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 24, 2016 at 9:00pm — 3 Comments

UCLA Study Says Fat Genes Determine Obesity

UCLA Study Says Fat Genes Determine Obesity:  According to researchers at UCLA, while diet and exercise are still large factors in obesity, the degree to which one gains weight from a high-fat diet is largely determined by your genes.  So guys, next time your girlfriend asks you “do these genes make me look too fat,” tell her “yes, and I have the studies to back it up.” …

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 23, 2016 at 9:26pm — 5 Comments

Trump Name Removed From His Hotels Due To Plummeting Business

Trump Name Removed From His Hotels Due To Plummeting Business:  Amidst reports of plummeting occupancy rates due to his controversial presidential campaign, Trump Hotels have decided its new facilities will no longer bear the Trump name.  In addition to changing the hotel name, they might also want to think about removing the Vladimir Putin portraits hanging in the Presidential Suites. …

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 22, 2016 at 9:30pm — 7 Comments

Hackers Launch Massive Attack Via Home Devices Infected With Malware

Hackers Launch Massive Attack Via Home Devices Infected With Malware:  Hackers have used a malware to infect tens of millions of home appliances and devices which they then used to launch an attack on a company which manages internet traffic, blocking or slowing access to major internet sites all across the internet.  Well, if that’s the case, on behalf of both me and my programable toaster oven, I’d like to send out a heartfelt apology to internet users…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 21, 2016 at 9:30pm — 2 Comments

Trump Will Accept Election Results If He Wins

Trump Will Accept Election Results If He Wins:  After famously refusing to state whether he would accept election results if he lost, Donald Trump told a rowdy crowd of followers in Delaware, Ohio that “I will accept the results of the election, if I win.”  Which is kind of ironic when you consider the way things are going with his campaign, about the only way this election could be considered "rigged" would be if Trump somehow wins.…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 20, 2016 at 9:30pm — 2 Comments

Trump Says He Will Remove Bad Hombres From the US

Trump Says He Will Remove Bad Hombres From the US:  Republican candidate Donald Trump stirred up more controversy during the final presidential debate after he declared "we have some bad hombres here, and we're going to get them out,” then calling Hillary a “nasty woman” and finally - admitting he may not accept the results of the election.  In related news, producers announced this week’s Saturday Night Live has been canceled because all the good jokes were…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 19, 2016 at 9:56pm — 3 Comments

Two Dark Moons Hiding In The Rings Of Uranus

Two Dark Moons Hiding In The Rings Of Uranus:  New analysis of Voyager 2 data from back in 1986, have revealed a pattern which some feel may indicate the presence of a pair of small, dark moons hiding within the rings of Uranus.  Guess that explains why I’ve felt so uncomfortable sitting on hard surfaces lately.  Its being reported NASA has already decided to name them Hemorrhoids #1 and #2.…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 18, 2016 at 9:42pm — 2 Comments

PETA Criticizes Beyoncé for Wearing Leather Costume

PETA Criticizes Beyoncé for Wearing Leather Costume:  Animal rights organization PETA has once again criticized Beyoncé for appearing onstage in a costume made entirely out of leather.  In Beyoncé’s defense, even if she was wearing all leather, she certainly wasn’t wearing all that much of it. …

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 17, 2016 at 9:29pm — 5 Comments

Scientists Find Planet Orbiting Very Young Star

Scientists Find Planet Orbiting Very Young Star:  An international team of scientists report that for the first time, they have discovered a planet which is orbiting a star that is only a few million years old.  While scientists were hesitant to say much else about the find, Donald Trump’s science advisor is describing the star as very young and extremely hot.…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 16, 2016 at 8:30pm — 3 Comments

Trump Suggests Hillary On Performance-Enhancing Drugs

Trump Suggests Hillary On Performance-Enhancing Drugs:  During a recent rally in Portsmouth, Donald Trump suggested that Hillary Clinton may have taken “performance-enhancing drugs” before the last presidential debate.

At first I laughed at the idea of Hillary on performance-enhancing drugs, but then it…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 15, 2016 at 8:49pm — 7 Comments

Iranian Cleric Blames Women’s Outfits for Earthquakes

Iranian Cleric Blames Women’s Outfits for Earthquakes:  A senior cleric in Iran warns that a terrible earthquake is on the way and that it's all because of women who wear revealing clothing.  Get real!  I mean if women wearing skimpy outfits really caused earthquakes, wouldn’t Hollywood be getting devastated by massive temblors on a daily basis?…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 14, 2016 at 10:18pm — 4 Comments

Bob Dylan Wins Nobel Prize for Literature

Bob Dylan Wins Nobel Prize for Literature:  In a rather surprising move, Bob Dylan has been awarded this year’s Nobel Prize for literature.  Wow, a pop singer wins for literature - guess the times, they are a chang’in.  When asked to comment about this year’s Nobel Prize winner, novelist Dan Brown said “all I know is it ain’t me babe.” …

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 13, 2016 at 8:30pm — 4 Comments

KFC Denies Their Chicken Has Maggots

KFC Denies Their Chicken Has Maggots:  Kentucky Fried Chicken has immediately issued a statement claiming “our chicken doesn’t have maggots” after an Arkansas mother told police her five-year-old son had to go to the hospital after eating maggot ridden chicken at a local KFC restaurant.  The statement went on to say that even if we did have maggots, they’d still be “finger lick’n' good!”…

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Added by Johnny Robish on October 12, 2016 at 9:18pm — 5 Comments

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