World’s Oldest Fossils Found in Greenland: Geologists in Greenland have discovered what they believe are the oldest physical evidence for life on Earth in rocks that formed 3.7 billion years ago. So if I understand this correctly, the next time some smart-ass native Californian asks me where I’m from originally, I should tell them Greenland?…Continue
Doctors Say Disease Lurks in Wind Instruments: The LA Times reports that doctors are cautioning musicians to be sure to frequently clean their wind instruments in order to prevent the growth of a a dangerous fungus which is responsible for a possibly fatal illness known as “bagpipe lung.” Those familiar with the dreaded “bagpipe lung” say they’re not quite sure why, but for some reason, the disease also appears to make men want to dress themselves up in the…Continue
Man Shoots Self Instead of Raccoon After Sneezing and Falling Off Chair: A 81-year-old man has been hospitalized after accidentally sneezing, falling off his chair and shooting himself while attempting to kill a large raccoon that had broken into his home. Police say they were unable to identify the raccoon intruder because it was wearing a mask.…Continue
Maine Gov LePage Leaves Profane Voicemail: Maine’s controversial Republican governor Paul LePage left a long string of profanities on the voicemail of Democratic Rep. Drew Gattine after Gattine implied that LePage’s comments, which laid all the blame for illegal drugs in the state of Maine on black people, was racist. Coming to his defense, supporters of the governor say he was a committed racist long before Donald Trump made it cool…Continue
Coast Guard Spots SOS in Sand and Rescues Stranded Couple: The U.S. Coast Guard reports it has rescued a couple who were stranded on an uninhabited island in Micronesia after crews saw the giant “SOS” they scribbled in the sand. Well one thing’s for sure, they can now cross “stranded on a deserted island” off their bucket list.…Continue
Usain Bolt Brought 10 Women Up to His London Hotel Room: People Magazine is reporting that Olympic gold medal sprinter Usain Bolt - considered to be the fastest man in the…Continue
Trump Calls Hillary Clinton a Bigot: Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told followers at a rally in Mississippi that Hillary Clinton is a “bigot who only sees people of color as votes, not as human beings.” I can’t believe Trump would call Clinton a bigot in a place like Mississippi. What was he trying to do, drum-up more votes for her? Anyway, who better to warn people of color about Clinton’s bigotry than a shady, New York developer who was…Continue
Earth-Like Planet Discovered Close to Our Solar System: In an article published by Nature World News, researchers announced the discovery of a new unnamed rocky “Earth-like” planet orbiting our nearest star Proxima Centauri, 4.25 light-years away from Earth. The question we must now ask ourselves as a civilization is whether or not we will be able to reach that planet by the time Keith Richards has smoked his last cigarette. At current rocket speeds, its…Continue
Added by Johnny Robish on August 24, 2016 at 9:02pm — No Comments
Nine Million Americans Take Sleeping Pills: A five-year government study concluded that Americans are drugging themselves to sleep more than ever, with nine million Americans now taking sleeping pills. Call me old fashioned, but whatever happened to drinking yourself to sleep?…Continue
Ryan Lochte Dropped By All Four Commercial Sponsors: After he falsely claimed he and three teammates had been held up by armed robbers at a Rio de Janeiro gas station, U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte has been dropped by sponsors Speedo, Ralph Lauren, Airweave and Gentle Hair Removal. On a positive note, the makers of Mad Dog 20/20 and Colt 45 Malt Liquor have generously agreed to pick him up.…Continue
Group Warns Target Boycott Failure Could Leave Christians With No Place to Pee: In a recent interview, the American Family Association’s Sandy Rios warned that should the Target boycott they’ve organized over the company’s transgender bathroom policy fail, transgender acceptance will spread like a virus and soon “Christians will no longer be…Continue
Florida Student Kills Couple and Eats Victims Face: Officials say a 19-year-old Florida State University student whom friends describe as “a smart guy with lots of potential,” was having dinner with his family when he became angry, stormed out of the restaurant, killed two people and ate one victim’s face before being subdued. Good grief, I’ve been to some terrible restaurants before, but the food couldn't have been that bad - could it? This story…Continue
Ford to Sell Driverless Cars By 2021: Ford announced that they plan to begin selling driverless cars in the year 2021, beginning a new era in car travel. I guess when you make cars that nobody wants to drive, driverless cars are about the only way to go. …Continue
Ohio Man Arrested After Having Sex With A Van: A Dayton, Ohio man is in custody and facing indecency charges after a witness reported seeing him attempt to have sex with the front grill of a van parked on the street.
Wow, sounds like the witness must have caught him in her…Continue
Piranhas With Human-Like Teeth Found in Michigan: Three large “vegetarian piranhas” with human-like teeth discovered in Michigan are causing environmentalists growing concern over tropical and invasive fish infiltrating the Great Lakes region.
Vegetarian Piranhas with human-like teeth? Yeah, well good luck trying to…Continue
California Has Forty-Two Infants in Their Gang Database: An audit of California’s state gang database, CalGang, found 42 individuals in the database who were less than one year old at the time of of entry. Police say they most likely belong to either the “Cribs” or the “Grandsons of Anarchy.” Authorities say a good way for a parent to detect possible gang affiliation is if the child says things like “you wanna give me another swig of that formula…Continue
Evangelist Claims Homosexual Lobby Stole Marriage and the Rainbow: Walker Weldon of the American Family Association, is accusing the “homosexual lobby” of not only stealing marriage, but also stealing the rainbow, both of which are God-created and don’t belong to them.
Trump Spokesperson Denounces Obama Over Invasion of Afghanistan: During an appearance on CNN, Trump spokesperson Katrina Pierson basically claimed that President Obama destabilized the Middle East when he made the decision to invade Afghanistan.
Wow, all I can say is, Trump…Continue
Study Explains Why Orgasms Help People Sleep: A new study found that having an orgasm is not only fun, but also a great way to induce sleep - because when you orgasm, you release a cocktail of hormones that actually promote good sleep - including oxytocin, serotonin and norepinephrine. Of course the exception would be women who’ve been with Bill Crosby, who are already fast asleep long before sex happens, let alone an orgasm.…Continue
California Grapes Threatened by Giant Wildfire: The wildfires burning across California are threatening wineries and vineyards across the region at the start of harvest season, posing a potential risk to the state’s lucrative wine industry already hit by drought. Many local residents say they were unaware of the fire danger until they heard it though the grapevine. All we can do is hope the California Raisins make it out okay.…Continue