Astronomers Find First Tailless Comet: Astronomers say they have found a first-of-its-kind tailless comet whose composition may offer clues into long-standing questions about the solar system's formation and evolution. Ironically, when scientists first observed the object, they weren’t exactly sure what it was, so they decided to put a tail on it. Researchers say they were very lucky to find it before someone like Bruce Willis tries to destroy it. When…Continue
Study Finds Women with Larger Butts are Smarter and Healthier: A new study from the University of Oxford determined that women with larger than average butts are not only more intelligent, but also very resistant to chronic illnesses. In related news, Oxford University has announced they will award Kim Kardashian an honorary doctorate for her contributions to medical science.…Continue
Female Terrorists Getting Exploding Breast Implants: British spy satellites have intercepted terrorist communications from Pakistan and Yemen, discussing women suicide bombers getting explosives fitted inside breast implants. Intelligence agencies warn that anyone who tries anything like this will surely get busted.…Continue
Frequent Ejaculation May Lower Risk Of Prostate Cancer: A new U.S. study suggests that men who ejaculate often may have a lower risk of prostate cancer than their peers who don’t do it as frequently. So, if I understand this right, it seems I now have a choice of either going blind, or getting prostate cancer. Let me think this one over for a bit. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my room - fighting cancer - and I do plan to fight it - hand over…Continue
Texas Sheriff Would Beat Transgender Women Unconscious: Tracy Murphfree, the new Republican sheriff of Denton County, Texas, told reporters that he would beat a transgender woman unconscious if she ever tried to share a bathroom with his daughter. And, to ensure the public safety, Murphfree said he plans to spend a lot of time hanging out in women’s restrooms, just to be sure there’s no transgender people in there.…Continue
Dozens Attend Retirement Party of 98 Year-Old Waitress: Dozens of people showed up for 98 year-old Angie "Ju Ju" Vergnetti’s surprise retirement party at the airport restaurant where she has worked as a waitress for the last 44 years. Wow, hard to believe she worked there all those years. Apparently Hooters isn’t such a bad place to work after all. …Continue
Many Red States Restoring Gun Rights for the Mentally Ill: Despite recent increases in gun deaths in the United States, many states are increasingly restoring the right to carry firearms for people who’ve previously lost that right due to mental illness. I get where that would be totally necessary. After all, we don’t wanna leave our nation’s mentally ill completely defenseless against a better-equipped, well-armed, imaginary enemy.…Continue
Colorado Legalizes Medical Marijuana for Horses: Colorado voters have approved a controversial new amendment which will allow horses to use medical marijuana to lower pulse rate and reduce stress. Marijuana opponents say supporters of the measure need to “get off their high horse.”…Continue
Amnesiac Florida Man Wakes Up Speaking Only Swedish: A 61-year-old Florida man woke up after being found unconscious in a Motel 6 in Palm Springs, California, with no memory of his past and speaking only Swedish. Kind of reminds me of that time a few years ago when I woke up in that cheap motel with empty wine bottles and Rosetta Stone CD’s scatted all over the floor. Oh, what a night that was!…Continue
Jesus on the Cross Appears In Mom's Sonogram: Aley Meyer has become an internet sensation after friends noticed that the fuzzy image on a sonogram of her unborn child looked to some to be the image of Jesus Christ on the cross. …Continue
Louis Vuitton Fried Chicken Owner Fined in South Korea: A South Korean court has ordered a fried chicken restaurant owner to pay 14.5 million won ($12,500) for refusing to comply with a ban on using the luxury Louis Vuitton brand name for his outlet.
I understand why they’d…Continue
Americans Getting More News From Mobile Devices than Newspapers: A new study from the Pew Research Center has determined that more Americans are now getting their news from mobile devices as opposed to newspapers. Which makes me wonder, are we now gonna have to teach our dogs to “go fetch” our mobile devices?…Continue
Mega Concert Celebration of 60’s Music Planned: Classic rock fans are ecstatic about the just announced concert to be held in October at the Coachella venue, which will feature none other than Paul McCartney, Bob Dylan, the Rolling Stones, Neil Young and Pink Floyd's Roger Waters.
Mountain Lion Strolls Onto LA High School Campus: Students and teachers at Los Angeles area Granada Hills High School were forced to miss their lunch break and secure themselves inside classrooms after a mountain lion strolled onto the campus. I think its a sign of the times that these cougars are now prowling high schools instead of hanging out in singles' bars. Now I’m no wildlife expert, but I think its a pretty safe bet this cat wasn't there to solicit…Continue
Couple Threatened With Jail for Overdue Library Books: A judge threatened a Michigan couple with 93 days in jail and a $500 fine for failing to return a novel and a Dr. Seuss book borrowed from the local public library. Wow, sounds like the judge really plans to throw the book at them! …Continue
Mysterious Giant Sphere Found in Bosnia: Archaeologists admit they’ve no explanation for a very large, perfectly round rock with a radius of close to five feet that has been recently discovered in Bosnia. Come on, it’s obviously part of a really big set of marbles used by the dinosaurs.…Continue
Bono Suggests US Send Amy Schumer to Fight ISIS: Bono recently appeared before the US Senate and advised them that humor as opposed to more violence is the best way to combat extremist groups like ISIS, suggesting the U.S. send Amy Schumer and a few other comics to combat the extremist group. Oh yea, I’ll bet ISIS will just laugh their heads off.…Continue
Ocean-Mapping Satellite Decommissioned: NASA says it has decommissioned a satellite that tracks rising sea levels after its last transmitter failed, but estimates the satellite will still remain in orbit for about another 1,000 years before falling back to Earth. Scientists say that means the satellite poses no threat to anyone living today with the possible exception of Keith Richards, Betty White and Larry King.…Continue
Ancient Whip Found at Medieval English Monastery: An ancient whip, discovered in the basement of a medieval English monastery, was probably used by monks to whip themselves as a form of penance and to ward off the Black Death. Archeologists say they’ve catalogued the artifact as well as informed Porn Hub that such an item has been found. …Continue
Human Foot Found in Seattle Recycling Bin: Police in Seattle report that a local homeowner found three adult body parts - including a foot - in his recycling bin over the weekend.
Wow, sounds like those people in Seattle are starting to take recycling very…Continue