Chipotle Considering New Chain Called Better Burger: Chipotle Mexican Grill is rumored to be considering entering the hamburger business after filing a trademark application for the name "Better Burger.” This will come as welcome news for those who prefer to get their E. coli on a bun instead of a tortilla. Analysts say its about time the troubled chain branches out into other things, like Mad Cow Disease. That said, many food critics believe Chipotle…Continue
Nurse Who Took Pics of Unconscious Patient’s Penis Surrenders License: Kristen Johnson, a nurse at Upstate University Hospital, who was convicted of taking photos of an unconscious patient’s penis with her iPhone and sending them to co-workers, has surrendered her nursing license to New York authorities. In her defense, her last name is Johnson, so there’s always the possibility that she just assumed sending photographs of someone’s "Johnson" was like…Continue
Mississippi Senate Approves Christian Paramilitary Bill: The Republican-dominated Mississippi state Senate has approved a bill which would not only allow concealed weapons, but permit churches to designate and train parishioners to serve as armed church security militias. Makes pretty good sense - I mean, why stone gays, blasphemers and adulterers when you can just shoot ‘em? Stoning seems so 2nd century. Now the question remains, is there an open arrest…Continue
Man Planned Model Airplane Attack on US Capitol: A 26-year-old Massachusetts man with a physics degree was sentenced to 17 years in prison for plotting an attack on the U.S. Capitol with a remote-controlled model aircraft, which he planned to fill with C-4 plastic explosives. Neighbors expressed shock, saying that this guy has always been a model citizen.…Continue
Printer Misprints UK Parish’s Easter Signs: The Acomb Parish Church in the town of York (UK) ordered a bunch of Easter signs declaring "Christ has Risen,” but a mixup at the printers left off the “t” at the end, leaving the signs to read “Chris has Risen.” Bad news for the Parish, but of course great news for Chris. Sounds like that Viagra shipment has finally made its way to York.…Continue
Petition Allowing Guns at Republican Convention Has 25K Signatures: According to the Akron Beacon-Journal, so far over 25,000 people have signed a petition calling for the open carry of guns at the Republican National Convention, which is slated to take place in Cleveland this July.
Study Says Sleep 'Cleans' Your Brain: According to a new study published in the magazine Science, our brains utilize sleep time to “clean” the brain, removing waste products that build up in the brain while we’re awake. If sleep really does “clean” the brain, then explain how I can get plenty of sleep and still have such a dirty mind?…Continue
Rare Instance of Two Pandas Mating Filmed at Vienna Zoo: Officials at Vienna's Schoenbrunn Zoo say they have video recorded a rare case of two giant pandas mating, to which excited zoo officials point out how extremely rare it is for endangered pandas to mate in captivity.
Wow, sounds like it must…Continue
Tennis Chief Moore Resigns Over Comments Made About Women: Indian Wells tennis tournament CEO Raymond Moore has stepped down after provoking outrage by stating top-level women players ride "on the coattails of the men" and are "very, very lucky" to have equal prize money. Moore’s allies say its ridiculous for people to try and paint him as anti-woman, pointing out that Moore bought his lovely wife a new dishwasher and a top-of-the-line vacuum cleaner last…Continue
Sarah Palin to Star in Judge Judy-Like Courtroom Show: Even though she has no law degree or legal training, the producers of a new reality courtroom show modeled after “Judge Judy” have confirmed that former Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has been signed to act as a judge.…Continue
Intel Mastermind Andy Grove Dead At 79: Andy Grove, the Silicon Valley elder statesman who made Intel into the world’s top chipmaker and helped usher in the personal computer age, has died at the age of 79. No word on whether his coffin will say “Intel Inside.”…Continue
Mississippi Politicians Allowed to Pocket Campaign Cash: When former Republican Mississippi Lt. Gov. Amy Tuck shut down her campaign in the closing days of 2013 and took a job at Mississippi State University as “special assistant” to the president at a starting salary of $160,000, she also took with her the hundreds of thousand of dollars remaining in her campaign account, something quite common in the Republican stronghold. In related news, I’m excited to…Continue
NFL Warns Atlanta No Super Bowl if Anti-Gay Bill Passes: The NFL is warning the Atlanta Falcons that if Georgia passes their anti-gay “religious freedom” bill as expected, they may not get to host the Super Bowl. I think Arizona would be a better choice for a Super Bowl than Georgia anyway. Arizona has more of a dry hate.…Continue
El Chapo Reading Self-Help Book in Prison: A prison official says that Mexican drug lord Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman is reading a Christian-oriented self-help book in prison after being denied the small television he used to have before escaping last July. What kind of self-help book could he be reading? Drug Trafficking for Dummies? But good for him! Reading is a much better way for him to pass the time than say, turning to drugs.…Continue
Cops Arrest Vandal Who Egged Home Over 100 Times: Police say they’ve finally arrested a 30-year-old man in the case of a Cleveland-area elderly couple who’ve had their home continuously egged (over 100 times) in the past year and a half.
Seemed like every time they investigated…Continue
Astronomers Discover Unexplained Activity on Giant Asteroid: Scientists say they’re struggling to explain several dazzling bright spots that are showing up on photographs inside a 50-mile-wide crater located on the asteroid Ceres, the largest object in the asteroid belt. Wow, what an interesting Ceres of photos! Perhaps we could send Trump up to investigate. This could be HUGE! Of course I’m no scientist, but if you ask me, those lights are coming from a…Continue
Scientists Believe They’ve Found Pregnant T. Rex Fossil: Scientists have made a rare discovery after examining the femur of a 68 million-year-old Tyrannosaurus Rex, not only confirming that the creature was a female, but also a mother-to-be. Its hard to imagine how a T-Rex could have sex, especially when you consider that the T-Rex had such tiny little hands - you know, kind of like Donald Trump.…Continue
Added by Johnny Robish on March 15, 2016 at 8:59pm — No Comments
Scientists Create Pineapple that Tastes Like a Coconut: Scientists in Australia say they have created a pineapple that tastes like a coconut. That was certainly money well spent. OK, but if you’re searching for something that really tastes like coconut, you might wanna check out a coconut.…Continue
Danny Devito Surprises Bernie Sanders Rally: Actor Danny Devito has made a surprise appearance at Bernie Sanders' rally in St Louis. Wow, that really is a surprise! You’d think Danny Devito would be one of those people in favor of “small government.” Meanwhile, the Clinton campaign is asking just how low is the Sander’s campaign willing to go to get endorsements?”…Continue
Famous Mountain Lion May Have Killed LA Zoo’s Koala: Well-known area mountain lion P-22, who regularly prowls LA’s sprawling Griffith Park, may have made a meal of a koala found mauled to death at the LA zoo. Lawyers for the mountain lion deny the charges and add that P-22 vows not to rest until the real killers are brought to justice.…Continue