Con Chapman's Blog (1,948)

Mud Lizards Say Recent Political Events a Wake-Up Call

FRAMINGHAM, Mass.  It’s 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning, and Jim Glzorp readily admits he’d rather be in bed than standing outside in the cold handing out leaflets at a strip mall.  “I’ve successfully avoided politics all my life,” he says, as his 9-year-old son Jim, Jr. hugs his leg.  “When I read about all the crazies out there these days, I had to start getting involved–for my kid’s future.”



Added by Con Chapman on March 27, 2017 at 4:30am — 3 Comments

The Abraham Lincoln-Marilyn Monroe Letters

One day Marilyn Monroe confessed a crush on Abraham Lincoln: “He was such a great guy.  When I see a man like that, I would love to just sit on his lap.”

Review of “Marilyn in Manhattan,” The Wall Street Journal

“I’m a one score and sixteen inch D cup, in case you’re wondering.”


Dear Abe:

I hope you don’t mind my getting familiar with you…


Added by Con Chapman on March 26, 2017 at 5:56am — 2 Comments

New Drug Cocktail Helps Break Grip of Hummel Addiction

MAYNARD, Mass.  In a darkened room, Rose Alba Mercurio sits in a comfortable chair and repeats the words she hears on a self-hypnosis tape especially prepared for her by a local support group.  “I don’t need another . . . I don’t need another,” she says in a trance-like monotone for twenty minutes, then opens her eyes.


“Gateway” figurine


“I think it’s working,” she says after she recovers her waking consciousness.  “I haven’t been on eBay for…


Added by Con Chapman on March 25, 2017 at 6:17am — 1 Comment

In Battle of Mascots, San Dorito State Usually Wins

SAN DORITO, California.  Like many college presidents, Norman van Dorn of San Dorito State College wouldn’t mind the publicity that comes with a winning sports program.  “You look at what Doug Flutie did for Boston College,” he says, referring to an upsurge in applications that school enjoyed after a “Hail Mary” pass by the diminutive quarterback beat Miami on the final play of a nationally-televised game in 1984.  “I’d like to have some of that mojo working for us when a kid is choosing…


Added by Con Chapman on March 24, 2017 at 4:41am — No Comments

Gritty City Creates Knowledge Zone, But Some Feel Left Out

WORCESTER, Mass.  This gritty central Massachusetts city is known to some as the Industrial Abrasives Capital of the World, and to others for its numerous railroad car diners.  What it is not known for, to the dismay of many, is its educational and cultural attractions.

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Added by Con Chapman on March 23, 2017 at 4:44am — 1 Comment

My GPS Cats

Using tiny satellite tracking harnesses, the Cat Tracker Project has enrolled more than 500 cats in a program that will outfit them with Global Positioning System devices.

          The Boston Globe


“Is Okie lost–again?”


I was pretty excited to be chosen to test drive CatTrack, the state-of-the-art global positioning system for cats. It would mean an…


Added by Con Chapman on March 22, 2017 at 4:30am — 4 Comments

Barkley Takes Baby Steps on Road Back From Gambling

BIRMINGHAM, Alabama.  The revelation by two-time Basketball Hall of Famer Charles Barkley that he’s lost more than $10 million gambling over the years has led to an outpouring of support in his hometown, where locals point to the good he’s done for numerous charities.


 Barkley: “I’ll bet you six to one I can lick this thing.”


“He’s one of our biggest supporters,” says Children’s Hospital CEO Mack Doolin, M.D. “We’re going to stick with him until…


Added by Con Chapman on March 21, 2017 at 5:30am — 3 Comments

Business Group Sues as Secretaries Again Dominate March Madness

INDIANAPOLIS.  Marty Trowbridge is Chief Operating Officer of WidgeTek, a manufacturer with locations throughout the midwest.  “Our business is crucial to customers who buy our stuff,” he says, “whatever it may be.”…


Added by Con Chapman on March 20, 2017 at 4:50am — 3 Comments

An Indifferent Irishman Signs My Petition

I ask if he can spare a minute and he says yes.

This is about your ancestors and mine, I say,

how, forced off the land, they sailed west

to Boston where, if they didn’t die on the way,

they and their faith were scorned in the schools.

He listens, a bit distracted I can see.

He has work he’d rather do

than listen to a lurid history

told by a man too full of rue.

He lumps me with the zealots and other fools

who have yet to…


Added by Con Chapman on March 19, 2017 at 2:09pm — 2 Comments

Volunteers Raise Like Millions for Liberal Arts Major Disease

LAS VEGAS, Nevada.  It is Sunday morning in this desert city and the streets are quiet.  Inside the casinos, where there are no clocks, gamblers who have played through the night order breakfast at blackjack and craps tables.…


Added by Con Chapman on March 19, 2017 at 7:54am — 3 Comments

Koga the Gorilla Takes a Break

Koga, a 24-year-old male gorilla, escaped from his cage at the Buffalo zoo and was captured in the staff lounge.

Associated Press


“How come stupid humans get lounge Koga no can go in lounge?”


Cold cold cold cold cold.  Why does anyone live in this godforsaken place, it’s cold ALLA TIME!  If stupid humans had more highly-developed brains they never…


Added by Con Chapman on March 18, 2017 at 4:51am — 1 Comment

A Poem to St. Gertrude, Patron Saint of Cats

(Upon the poet learning that his cats had chased off a pack of coyotes)

You wish for assistance?

No, my cousin Okie.

If we die, it is our master’s loss,

But if we live, the fewer cats,

The greater share of honor.

With God as my witness,

I wish not one cat more.…


Added by Con Chapman on March 17, 2017 at 4:39am — 2 Comments

Voodoo Makes Inroads in Stressed-Out Suburbs

WELLESLEY FALLS, Mass.  Marci Scribner looks like a typical housewife in this affluent suburb of Boston as she climbs into her forest green Range Rover, Kate Spade handbag in hand.  “I’m always on the go,” she says with a smile as she drives her 17-year old son Tyler to his weekly appointment with a tutor who she hopes will increase his SAT scores and get him into Dartmouth, where she went to business school.…


Added by Con Chapman on March 16, 2017 at 4:47am — 6 Comments

Freedonian Choir Has Hit With "Songs of Romantic Remorse"

ZLOTNGYSBJZ, Freedonia.  This industrial city is often referred to as the “Liverpool of Freedonia” because of the number of famous musicians who have plied their trade here before moving on to bigger venues in the nation’s capital, Dronskvb.

Freedonian Idol Season #2 Winner Nilo der Vrsdorfk


“Music is in our hearts, also in our spleens,” says Doron “Tony” Vlazchjk, a booking agent.  “Still, there has been no Freedonian Invasion of America as…


Added by Con Chapman on March 15, 2017 at 4:45am — No Comments

"Rescue Dudes" Find Shelter in Arms of Less-Intense Women

SOMERVILLE, Mass.  Eli Tucker is a twenty-eight year old man with above-average looks and a good job, but his self-esteem barely registers on the Kinsdorph-Eisenstat Personality Index.  “Eli bears the scars of an abusive relationship,” says Tom Selfkirk, executive director of the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dudes.  “When we rescued him he’d been starved on white wine, quiche and arugula,” Selfkirk notes with a lump in his throat.  “He’d cringe when he heard the…


Added by Con Chapman on March 14, 2017 at 8:30am — No Comments

The ZaSu Pitts Look-Alike Contest (Men's Senior Division)

I’m hoping the weatherpeople get it right for once; they’re calling for blizzard conditions, and the fewer contestants in the Men’s Senior Division of the ZaSu Pitts Look-Alike contest, the better–for me. I know the greats like to win against the best competition, but not me. I just want to win, baby, win, as Oakland Raiders President-for-Life Al Davis likes to say.

Image result for zasu pitts

ZaSu: *sigh*


I suppose I should be embarrassed at the feeling of stark…


Added by Con Chapman on March 13, 2017 at 4:48am — 11 Comments

Outbreak of Triple Names Raises Concern Over Bovine Growth Hormone

KNOB NOSTER, Mo.  In spring, the schoolchildren of this small town west of Sedalia and east of Lone Jack can taste a difference in the milk they are served in school cafeterias.  “It’s not stale anymore,” says Joe Don Mergen, a 6th grader at Jerry Lumpe Middle School as he tries to conceal his fishsticks beneath green beans.  “It tastes like your lawn after you cut the grass.”

That change in flavor is the result of cows switching from barn hay to pasture grass, but…


Added by Con Chapman on March 12, 2017 at 7:00am — No Comments

Me 'n Mick: The Keith Richards Children's Book

Keith Richards has co-written a children’s book.

Rolling Stone

Mick ‘n me was flirtin’ with some birds of the human kind when it started to rain.

“Let’s go inside ‘n play!” Mick says and the girls says “Sure!”

When we got inside we wondered what we was going to do.

“Do you like arts ‘n crafts?” one of the birds says and Mick says “You bet!”

“Do you have any plaster of Paris around?” the other…


Added by Con Chapman on March 11, 2017 at 4:30am — 2 Comments

Behind Enemy Lines With the Parachute Cat Corps

Thomas De Quincey’s elder brother William succeeded in some attempts at bringing down cats by parachutes.

                                              The Life of Thomas De Quincy, Malcolm Elwin

Image result for cat parachute

As I looked around the hold of the Puss in Boots, I realized I might be spending my last moments with my buddies Okie, Chester and Chewie.  We were cats on a mission; to drop behind German lines and insinuate our way into the hearts and…


Added by Con Chapman on March 9, 2017 at 5:45am — No Comments

As Decorating Tastes Change, Naugas Make Comeback

PAMPA, Texas.  Duane Dunham hasn’t had a day off in two weeks, but the twenty-two-year-old native of Hereford in Deaf Smith County isn’t complaining.  “It’s great to be workin’ agin,” he says in his flat, uninflected drawl.  “My pappy thought the good times were all gone, but I guess they’re back.”

Blue ribbon Nauga appears on Johnny Carson show in the 60s


Dunham comes from a long-line of “naugaboys,” trained horsemen who herd naugas across the…


Added by Con Chapman on March 8, 2017 at 2:30am — 6 Comments

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