Con Chapman's Blog (2,091)

One Dirty Old Man's Bucket List is Only Skin Deep

BRYN MAWR, Pa.  Doug Dickerman was a man who, until six months ago, seemed to have it all.  A good job, two high-achieving kids in college, and a wife–Meg–who tolerated his tendency to defer life’s pleasures.  “He’d never completely unplug on vacation,” she says, growing wistful.  “I had to make him put his cell phone on vibrate when he came to bed.”…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 18, 2017 at 4:52am — No Comments

One Prospect is Hot Because He's So Cold

CAPE GIRARDEAU, Mo.  Lyle Carroll is the starting left fielder for the Cape Girardeau River Rats, a AA affiliate of the Chicago White Sox, but opponents’ scouting reports paint a pessimistic picture of his chances of reaching the big leagues.  “Can’t hit curve ball,” says one in the telegraphic style favored by monosyllabic baseball lifers.  “Weak arm–we can run on him,” says another.…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 17, 2017 at 4:30am — No Comments

Pscooter & Pskipper Get Psychedelic in Pseattle

The kids are getting older–they’re in high school now–and with summer jobs and college campus visits, every year it’s harder to squeeze in the special family time of aggravation and bickering we used to experience during summer vacations.

“We need to get away and just do it,” my wife said. “Someplace far, like the west coast.”…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 16, 2017 at 4:36am — 1 Comment

A Day at the Fair

The bus came by to pick the residents up early, around seven, so they could make the half hour drive to the State Fair and get them down to the carnival before it got too hot. They would all want to go down to the midway, where the calliope music and the rides got them excited; they were all just children, Sue Ellen thought, and she wanted them to get their fill of it before the sun was too high in the sky.…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 15, 2017 at 6:59am — 6 Comments

Philosophers Debate Midget Wrestling, Pole-Dancing at Annual Confab

ST. LOUIS, Mo.  As the American Philosophical Association’s annual convention wound down after yesterday’s plenary session, professors from around the country took time off from the presentation of academic papers to focus their analytical skills on less weighty matters.…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 14, 2017 at 4:30am — No Comments

The Surrealist Corrections Department

CORRECTION:  In the Leisure and Arts story, “Fantastical Images of Dance–a Surrealist’s Work Goes on View After 50 Years,” Brett Littman said that he had seen a costume drawing of a squid atop a pile of other drawings at Dorothea Tanning’s archive.  Mr. Littman did not see a costume drawing featuring a squid at her archive. 

The Wall Street Journal…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 13, 2017 at 7:37am — 1 Comment

Paint TV Gains Audience Share from Golf Channel

HOLLYWOOD, Florida.  It’s lunch time at the Ugly Crab Bar across the street from the newest jai-alia fronton in the state, and the regulars are casting their votes as to which channel to watch on the single big-screen TV overhead.

“I’m sick of the liberals on ESPN,” barks Duane “Mudflap” McClary, a sheet-rock installer.

“You guys want to watch some golf?” asks bartender Mike Segalio, the son-in-law of the establishment’s owner, who is subbing while his father-in-law keeps a…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 12, 2017 at 6:48am — 3 Comments

007 Jr.

The British government is recruiting teenage apprentice spies in a bid to deepen the talent pool of its intelligence services.

Associated Press

We were the first class of Junior Intelligence Officers in the history of MI6, and I dare say it would be a long time before we were surpassed. There was Patrick O’Connor-ffrench—the superfluous “f” was quite a hit with the girls; Basil “Biffy” Dunderdale, who struggled constantly with the…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 11, 2017 at 4:32am — 2 Comments

Writing My Obituary

It came on all of a sudden, like a summer thunderstorm.  We had been talking at dinner about friends and family, and family of friends, who had passed on recently, and my wife became teary-eyed.

“You just never know when you’re going to lose someone,” she said as her face clouded over with foreboding.  “If you died . . .”

“You mean when I die . . .”

“I was going to say, if you died soon . . . I wouldn’t know what to put in your obituary.  You’ve done so many . .…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 10, 2017 at 4:34am — 3 Comments

Wanted: America's Next Prison Rodeo Queen

In uncertain economic times such as these, experts say job-hunters must be nimble and quick to leap at employment opportunities that may disappear in the blink of an eye. Sort of like Jack, the guy who jumped over the candle stick. Just try and find a high-paying job with health insurance jumping over candlesticks these days–they’ve all been outsourced to India, where candles are still plentiful.

If you’re not paying attention, a job opening can slam shut before you’ve read Ziggy,…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 8, 2017 at 4:34am — 5 Comments

At the Pine-Woods Golf and Poetry Club

For most of the 20th century, the poetry world resembled a country club.

                                     The New York Times Book Review

It was a Sunday afternoon, and I just wanted to get out of the damn house. I decided to head over to the club, see if I could squeeze in a round before dinner. I threw the old sticks in the trunk and, as I drove into the parking lot at Pine-Woods, saw Lowell, Berryman and Roethke heading down to the starter’s hut. Lowell…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 6, 2017 at 7:00am — No Comments

Tractor Pulls Gain New Fans on Urban Streets

CAMBRIDGE, Mass.  First it was Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer, an inexpensive lager favored by poor rustic whites and immortalized in the country song “Red Neck, White Socks and Blue Ribbon Beer,” then adopted by hipsters.  Then it was the music of Johnny Cash, whose rural noir look and tough guy attitude caught on with a generation of urban twenty-somethings more familiar with country clubs than country music.…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 5, 2017 at 5:00am — No Comments

Bud Zaremba, Knuckle Ball Pitcher and Joker, Dead at 86

KEOKUK, Iowa.   Elwood “Bud” Zaremba, pioneering knuckle-ball pitcher, died in his sleep in a nursing home here Sunday night after a brief illness.…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 4, 2017 at 4:26am — No Comments

Scooter & Skipper Make a Bra

Middle of the summer and my kids–Scooter, the younger, and Skipper–are starting to get bored with their usual routine.  Too much “screen time”–TV, video games, computers–and their eyes have taken on the dull glaze of the Children of the Damned.  It’s getting too hot to play baseball for very long, however, so they’re spending more time indoors, thanks to our family dermatologist whose diatribes against the sun have turned more children into Goths than a thousand indie bands.…

Image result for children of the damned

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 3, 2017 at 5:02am — 5 Comments

Whither Butter Sculpture?

It has been several years since Norma Lyon, the pre-eminent practitioner of a uniquely American art form–butter sculpture–died, and the deep impact of her demise becomes more clear with each passing day.



“I can’t believe it’s not Jesus and the 12 Apostles!”

 

Lyon’s death was noted in The New York Times and on the front page of The Wall Street Journal.  She had appeared on the Today…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 2, 2017 at 4:37am — 5 Comments

For One New Jersey Town, Summer Project is a Snooze

HO-HO-KUS, New Jersey.  This borough of Bergen County has an identity problem according to Mayor Tony Latanzio.  “Ever since I was a little kid,” he says ruefully, “we’ve been in the shadow of Paramus,” an adjacent municipality that skyrocketed to national prominence in the 1960s as a result of “Make That Spare,” a televised bowling show.

“Forget about New York,” says local Department of Public Works Supervisor Mike Dibasi.  “How’d you like to have some mook from…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on August 1, 2017 at 4:40am — No Comments

Salad Lovers Toss as Crouton Shortage Looms

GREEN RIDGE, Mo. Sam Jones has been a grain buyer in this small town for nearly four decades, but he wears an expression of concern as he watches farmers arrive at the local grain elevator to sell their crops. “If I had the money right now, which I don’t,” he says with a knowing look, “I’d be buying up all the croutons I could find.”



Ripe croutons, ready for harvest

 

Croutons–sauteed or rebaked bread that is seasoned, cut into cubes and added to…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on July 31, 2017 at 4:24am — No Comments

WASPs Fret as Global Warming Causes Weaker Cocktails

EASTHAMPTON, N.Y.  Mornings are chilly in this upscale town on Long Island even during the summer, but by eleven a.m. temperatures are positively torrid. “I can hardly wait for five o’clock,” says Clifton Felton-Day, chairman of the annual Summer Fling for the Cure for Long Island Lockjaw here. “I so look forward to my gin and tonic.”…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on July 30, 2017 at 1:53pm — No Comments

Aging Chanteuse is Hot Again With Vocal Tribute to the Internet

QUESADILLA, Texas. Vikki Flores is an 80 year-old chanteuse who has sung for five vice presidents, but she hasn’t had a top-selling record in over two decades. She hopes to end that losing streak with her new CD “That Crazy, Wacky Thing We Call the Internet,” an attempt to re-position herself for a youthful audience “hip” to technological innovation.

singer

Vikki, in her salad days.

 

“I was in my urologist’s office and I read an article that said the…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on July 29, 2017 at 7:39am — No Comments

Bile Drive Helps Victims of "Cocktail Party Syndrome"

NEEDHAM, Mass.  It’s only ten o’clock in the morning, but Mort Klark is sitting down at an outpatient clinic here to eat a heavy meal that looks like a picture from a TV dinner box; Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes, peas and carrots, and apple crisp for dessert.  “I don’t usually fill up early in the day like this,” he says, “but it’s for a good cause.”



“When that kid gets a dose of my special…

Continue

Added by Con Chapman on July 28, 2017 at 4:43am — 2 Comments

NEW BLOG POSTS

Art By Committee

Posted by Terry McKenna on August 18, 2017 at 5:30pm 2 Comments

poor sad "violent" nazi guy

Posted by Foolish Monkey on August 18, 2017 at 3:30pm 10 Comments

Hi Ho Steverino

Posted by Robert Young on August 18, 2017 at 12:30pm 0 Comments

SHACKLES OF OUR OWN DEVISE

Posted by Jonathan Wolfman on August 18, 2017 at 6:51am 23 Comments

Omens

Posted by Terry McKenna on August 18, 2017 at 3:30am 4 Comments

Today is my birthday!

Posted by Ron Powell on August 18, 2017 at 2:12am 12 Comments

A Couple Questions

Posted by nanatehay on August 17, 2017 at 3:28pm 40 Comments

© 2017   Created by lorianne.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Privacy Policy  |  Terms of Service